My eyes fluttered open. I stared up at the ceiling. I looked back down, and I saw that I was surrounded by the seats that adorn the auditorium. There were nine people in all. This is what the world was reduced to. A group of people, less than the amount of a Sunday School class.
I musingly swiped my hand through my small, corkscrew curls that riddled my jet-black, untidy hair. That's when I remembered. I remembered how it started.
~ ~ ~
The red, acid rain stung my soft, pale skin, as I ran to my house. I ran to my house. I was a teacher. A chemistry teacher. I knew that something was off. I ran quickly into my house, and turned on the water. Brown, monochrome water dripped from the silver faucet, and it quickly trickled down the sink. Then I turned the faucet off.
I picked up the remote, and walked to the living room, turning on the TV.
The news anchor appeared. She had pale skin, and blonde hair that touched her shoulder. Here eyes were a sky blue.
"Hello, this is Kimberly Johnson, live toady from the NGC, National Geographical Center .This is Paul Ruth."she said, pointing at a guy with a go tee, and a small paunch belly.
"Hello, this is worse than anything you've ever seen. There are earthquake warnings from all over the world. The best thing to do is to try and survive."
I gaped in awe, and turned off the TV. I walked down towards the basement, accumulating as much food as I can. I didn't make it to the basement. The ground shook on the floor beneath me. There was a dark hole in the middle of the floor, and it began to consume my living room.
I had to run. I ran to the door. Bright, volcanic fire filled the streets, and a large crack perpilated from one end of the street, to the other. The clouds were engulfed by a shadowy darkness, as more sinkholes ate away at the streets.
I ran to my car, it was surrounded by fire, and then it combusted in thick fire. The explosion forced me back, and I hit the hard, asphalt ground with a thud. My head was woozy and my eyes were dizzy, as I walked through the disastrous streets.
I heard screams, cries of desperation. I saw a little girl, clutching a teddy bear towards her chest. I ran towards her.
"Come on." I said, pulling her arm. Then I saw a man, wearing a business suit, came and took her away.
"Wait!" I yelled.
"You'll see her again, if you survive." he said, putting the girl in the car, he nonchalantly drove his limo through the city. I wanted to beg him to take me away... but I didn't want to struggle in a society filled with death. I looked behing me, and a building was collapsing. A door opened up from the ground.
"Come in!" a voice called, and I ran towards the door. I leaped, and I fell in the door, it closed behind me. I was safe.
At least for now.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey Cesare!
I didn't know all these chapters had been posted D: My, you do write fast don't you! I enjoyed this little flashback which I predict will lead up to someone's point when they become a vampire. I am only saying someone because I am confused as to who's point of view this is coming from? Make sure you mention it at the beginning of the chapter, like you've done previously. Or the reader might get a bit confused as to whose eyes they are seeing things from. I know I am a little bit confused! That aside though, there is plenty of action in here and a of tragedy. Is this really all just because of an earthquake as the news says? Or would it be better to say a volcano is erupting, which would explain the splits in the earth, the shaking and the lava as well?
I think reading over this bit separate will also help you see what I think what is wrong with it. It's very repetitious! The same sentences are being repeated here all in one paragraph! I would suggest you get rid of the second 'I ran to my house' and the first 'I was a teacher.' And at the end, maybe put I turned the key in the lock and walking into the familiar living room. That we get the person is home, but we don't have to mention the house again or repeat the same words. If you still want to add the haste to the action of getting home, maybe put I frantically fitted the key to the lock, with trembling hands.
Whoa! All this stuff is happening and all we are getting are actions from the main character! Let's have some thoughts and emotions! What are they thinking as their photo frames and treasured carpet and all the rest of their belongings are sinking into the hole? What are they think as they see the lava submerge someone and watch them burn to death? What are they saying? Maybe they wouldn't be saying anything at all, simply screaming, or crying or something half in between. What are they doing that is showing their distress, fear, horror and panick? I need to see these things a bit more in the chapters! Emotion and connection to the characters thoughts are what readers connect most with. Usually they can relate or at the least empathise. If the reader can do that, you know you've got a good story going on. You need to do a little bit more of this.
I think you mean 'suit, who came and took...'
Firstly, a small typo. I think you meant 'behind.' Next, I don't think you should have a 'but' in the first sentence there. Because otherwise it doesn't make sense seeing as both the points presented contradict themselves.
My only problem with this is that you're not actually falling into the door, seeing as the door is open. Maybe you should fall into the darkness, or the space, or to the underground or something. Just not into a solid object... like a door for example
I am going to continue reading the other chapters! I have quite the catching up to do, hehe ^.^
Deanie x
Thanks for the review
This is incredible. I love the rome you use in your writing. It's one of those thing that you can't describe what you like about it. Kinda like how if you see two siblings that don't have the same color hair or eyes but you can somehow tell they're related by some unidentifiable feature in their face. It's like that. I can't put my finger on just what I like.
Although, I do have a critique. When you are saying something about someone or thing, you want to not repeat words too much and to clarify what it is immediately.
Example: "Putting the girl in the car, he nonchalantly drove his limo..." I recommend saying something like "Putting the girl in the limo as he nonchalantly drove her through the city.
Or: "It was surrounded by fire, and then it combusted in thick fire." You could also say- "It was surrounded by fire, and then it combusted into something thicker.
This was truly wonderful though. It sounded like it came from a published book.
Thanls for the review! Welcome to YWS!