Darkness.
The eternal darkness that engulfed me. I wove in and out, looking for the light. A chasm of my darkest impurities surrounded me. My life flashing before my eyes.
The inside of my soul burned.
Burned by the outskirts of the stains that Lacrimosa secreted from her dark entity.
All I could feel was the sword that was ripping through my body. Tearing and destroying the last bit of mortal soul that lies within my fragile body.
I fell.
Fell deep into the dark chasm that surrounded me. Wrapping, and securing me in it’s thick, velvety and silky monochrome darkness.
I am young. Only nine years old. Raised to be a child prodigy, and died like a swine. I was also a murderer.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to murder, my soul to fragile and hurt from the death of my parents.
Then I was treated brutally, and I escaped, and that’s how I found Lacrimosa.
My first order was to kill the men that caused me pain, that caused me anguish. It was the only way I could find solace in a deprived world.
“Help,” I called out into the distant darkness.
“Help,” I called out once more.
Pain welled up in my body, and flared inside me.
My eyes closed.
Then I opened them. I could see a light that issued in the darkness, and I move towards it.
The light getting bigger and bigger, and I let it engulf me in sweet agony, as I entered the monochrome light.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,312 Literary Works • 674,341 Reviews
Heyo, happy review day! Subtle here for a review! I'm sorry for this rather squashed up review with content and technical things blurring together. Hopefully you won't die.
Flashing should be flashed. Also, don't you think this line is bit cliche, about the flashing and all. If you're going to be cliche, you might as well do it well. Describe a snippet of the life? Maybe something that can be used later on?'that was ripping' too many words, 'that ripped through' would have done the trick.
to -> too
Your chapter is in the past tense, so move should be moved. I suppose because this is written from the POV of a nine year old, you can get off with anything to do with grammar, spelling and word choice wise. But I'm still going to point them out to you so you're aware of them. Moved is a very vague word, how did he move? In what way did he move? Show us.
'The light getting bigger and bigger,' Is lacking a word there, I think you missed a 'is' between 'light' and 'getting'. Also the same here with the telling and showing. What colour is the light? Its texture, how is it getting bigger and bigger?
Pain? There's lots of types of pain. There's a thrumming pain, a throbbing pain, a lacerating pain, and there's the white-blinding agony pain. So what pain is this?
Overall: Look, this isn't bad. Is actually a new concept to me, I don't know what's going on right now but it has got my attention. What you really need to do is to actually describe things instead of just stating them and also, try and be more adventurous with your vocabulary and more precise as to how you describe things to the readers. You're trying to paint us a picture and make us connect to the character. Is not bad, but it can be better.
Keep it up!
-S.s
Hi CesareBorgia! This is Sherri, and I'm leaving a review.
I was sad at first when I got done reading this, simply because I wanted to keep reading! I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors; you did a great job on that. I loved your use of imagery, and how you decided to format this. The paragraph spacing gives the whole story a sense of smoothness and preparation for the ending. The only suggestion I can think of is to explain a bit more as of to what/who Lacrimosa is (unless you planned to do that later) and what the boy looks like (of course, you could also be planning to cover that later). Maybe even the boy's name?
This story kind of reminds me of a Japanese-style graphic novel/anime called Black Butler and its protagonist Ciel Phantomhive. I love that series, and I love this just as much! Do you plan on continuing this story? If so, I can't wait!
that's exactly where it's from
Thanks for the review.