I finally took up the courage to walk outside. Small specks of fire filled the smoky air, as my shoes clicked on the dark alley, filled with abandoned tenenments and slums.
"Help!" I called out, as a dark silhouette appropached me. The figure's face appeared, and there was a gun in his hands.
"Put your hands up, or I will kill you."
"Ok, we're all friends here," I said musingly, as I put my hands in the air. Slowly, I took the gun out of my pocket, and I pulled the trigger three times. The man stumbled backwards, his back curving into an arch, as he collapsed in a sea of pain.
I ran past the dead body as fast as I could. When I reached the end of the alley, I saw volcanic explosions rising from bombs. White dust fiiled the air.
I breathed shakily as I walked the streets. My head was dizzy, and my eyes felt as though they were going to burst open.
Then there was darkness.
~~~
When my eyes opened, I was surrounded and engulfed by ash. I rose from the piles of graveyard dust. I coughed, and dust spewed from my mouth, followed by phlegm. I wiped it of my skin and clothes.
Walking through the graveyard streets, I found peace and tranquility. Peace because I know that in this world, know misery could arise. Putting that behind me, I began to search for Kimeberly. She was nowhere to be seen. I was about to answer her question, before she slipped from my grasp. Now I may never know.
Kimberly... I know your there.
And I will find you.
Even if it means my life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Heya Cesare! I hope you didn't think I had forgotten about this story... I will be getting to Vampirisi soon as well. But I wanted to finish reading this one.
I don't think I ever mentioned before, but I did read all the chapters prior to the ones I started reviewing, but I think some awesome people had covered all there was to say! Now, on to this chapter!
Whoa, I couldn't see a way out of this situation for Chris, but I didn't think he was going to murder anybody! True, it was a difficult situation and it is kind of sad that even thought there are only 85 people left on earth (now 84 haha) we're still kind of trying to kill each other. Seems a bit cruel? But realistic too.
I am going to refer all the way back to your beginning chapters where a random man decides to drive Chris to wherever he is now. The thing is though, in the begging of chapter 2 she just wakes up in an auditorium all of a sudden and he is gone! Are we never going to hear from him again, or find out how he was drugged? Or maybe he just slept all the way? Either way, I am curious to know where this mysterious man went, so make sure you don't cut him from the story completely.
Also, I didn't know a chemistry teacher was didn't know a chemistry teacher was capable of murder. Maybe you should show his feelings and thoughts as he does so feelings as they do this? Like whether or not he has the right to do this, but it's an either kill or be killed situation. I can imagine his conflicting thoughts and shaky hands as he realizes he has never shot a gun. And how the kick will surprise him and so his other two shots are just blind un-aimed ones. Imagine you were shooting a gun for the first time as if your life was depending on it. Then write it like that
The your should really be a you're. But don't worry, this is a common mistake and I make it a lot myself too. Just remember that you're stands for you are, and then it's harder to go wrong.
I didn't notice Chris has such a deep connection with Kimberly? At first I thought it was just that they had ended up looking for safety in the same place. But now it seems like they have a deep friendship. Maybe make the conversation when they hide together more deep and well, friend-like so we get the picture of their relationship in such a way it can back up the ending of the chapter.
It ended nicely though, showing Chris's determination and strong friendship. He is not one to abandon friends during hard times. I love it!
I will keep reading soon~
Deanie x
Thanks for the review!
Here we are again. I love this story! One thing though. When "I" pulls the trigger, it seems like an overreaction. I mean, I see where you're coming from. Someone gives you a death treat so you run by instinct. I just think that maybe the person telling you to put your hands up is just as scared and confused as you are. We didn't really get to meet that character so the reader will never know.
I have another comment. So I get that the narrator had this 10 second bind with Kimberly but it didn't seem like they were besties or anything. But it doe keep the story flowing so I'm not going to say to much.
Also, is there any more of this story that I could read? It's sooooooo good!
thanks for the review!
Hey! IamTraunt here again!
Before I talk about the story, let me point out some things you need to correct.
Okay, I'm a little confused here. You make your protagonist's actions unclear. First you say he puts his hands in the air and then he takes the gun out of his pocket. Maybe if you put "As I slowly began to lift my hands in the air, I took the gun out of my pocket". When you put he "slowly" takes the gun out of his pocket, it seems unrealistic. If he has a gun pointed at him, I'm sure he'd speedily take the gun out of his pocket.
I think the 'sea' was unnecessary. It doesn't seem to make sense. Its just a thought though.
You spelt 'Kimberley' wrong.
You did very well with this chapter! It is quite eerie actually. The ashes made me think of all the dead bodies of the people who couldn't have escaped in time. And your protagonist was covered in ash! That wouldn't have been very pleasant. Just a tip: try to express the feelings of your character. Think: if you would have been there, what would you be feeling? Distraught? Angry? Frightened? Just open up your protagonist and give him more thoughts and feelings on the situation.
Well done! Keep on writing!
thanks for the review