Young Writers Society

Hey, I edited the poem according to the criticism I received, please let me know what you think. I couldnt figure out how to add italics, but al tge words in italics in tge first version woild stay the same. Thanks!



Gradually, dust gathered at my feet.
But I was unfazed, my head high up in the clouds,
My feet skimming the silky sheet of golden sand.
Gently, I swung myself back and forth on the bench,
Craning my neck in admiration of your starry night.
The metal bars dug into my back and thighs, and I... was unfazed.
My head, high up in the clouds.
I finally allowed myself to indulge in the ravishing tranquillity of your world.
Soon, very soon...your world would no longer exist.
Not in my universe.
--
Twisting and turning in restless agony,
I have long forgotten that these pristine sheets offered me no solace.
My tear-ridden eyes peel open to familiarity.
My universe. My reality. My life.
A world without you.
One with no youth and happiness and sincerity.
--
Chaotically, I search every nook and cranny for a hidden ray of hope, or warmth or joy...
Anything. "Please!" I plead.
Anguish encases my soul...
I uselessly let go and attempt to lose myself to a world of porcelain and elegance and grace.
--
Gently, I swing myself back and forth on a hammock of ivory,
My feet skimming the hard marble floor,
Craning my neck...craning my neck in admiration of...
In admiration of...
I scan my surroundings, searching for the life I had once owned.
A life of fulfilment and content.
A life of blissful ignorance...
A life without you.
--
Instead, all I find are the places you haven't been, the things you haven't seen...
The life you haven't lived.
A life you do not know.
You do not exist here.
And you cannot exist here.
This is my universe...that is your world.
--
My feet remain immaculate, and I am left unbearably fazed.
And my head...
My head is no longer high up in the clouds.

This is a beautifully written poem, but try adding where you are. I envisioned the speaker standing on a hill looking up at the sky, but the metal bars threw me off.

How come the speaker says "life of blissful ignorance without you?" Is the speaker ambivalent about the death of the person who died?

Great job, and next time try to follow through hints of the where and the how.

Thanx for sharing this poem. The determination to remain far from the person described comes across loud and clear. I like the effort at word diversity. I also like the way it is organized into stanzas as well as the use metaphors or symbolic language.

However, I did wonder why some phrases are repeated as if an echo.

The adverb, "nonchalantly" made me pause because the noun "nonchalance" is an attitude adopted by a mind and dust is mindless. Also, if indeed it were capable of thought and settling nonchalantly because it chose to, I saw no reason to be so fearful as to try to feel unfazed. Trying to reconcile all this brought my reading to a stop.

The poem also seems to express pride and satisfaction of being rid of a person but then describes life without that person as blissful ignorance. Satisfaction in a life one admits to be lived in blissful ignorance seemed a bit strange.

If life without the person was blissful ignorance, then why does the speaker prefer life without her?

What are those metal bars?

What does the dust represent?

Why does her existence have a starry sky and his doesn't?

How can a ray of hope be embezzled?
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/embezzle

So the effect off all these unanswered questions was confusion despite my best efforts to bring everything into harmonious focus.

Hello, Pentavalence here with a review.

Right off the bat, I'd like to add some disclaimers--

1) While this review will focus on areas where you can improve, I do think this work could be devastating (in a good way) with a few tweaks.

2) I'm not going to pretend to know much (or anything at all) about poetry, so take this review with a grain of salt. However, here are a few things that jumped out at me:

Where are you? You mention metal bars and dust gathering, but I never get a good impression of where you are and what you're doing. The image that came to me was monkey bars on a playground, but for all I know that's wayy off.

I think some setting would help with lines like this: "I uselessly let go and attempt to lose myself to a world of porcelain and elegance and grace.", because it's never clear whether it's literal or figurative.

Sometimes you repeat words, especially in the third stanza. (Chaotically, I search every nook and cranny in then hopes of discovering an embezzled ray of hope, or warmth or joy...)

One thing I do know about poetry is that word choice matters, and if you're going to repeat a word (such as hope, like you did in this stanza), then it should be deliberate. I can't vouch for your authorial intent, but this doesn't feel deliberate.

Okay, that's all. Again, I don't know much about poetry, but I hope this helps!