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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
It's so deep, and jagged. Cuts into the dreams of mine and surely others.
"They said, don't be so dull. Don't keep
your eyes shut
your curtains closed
your sunshades on.
But I couldn't find a cover on my vision, or a roof above my head, just the resolute emptiness of space."
This part was my absolute favorite part. I'm in love with your writing, keep up the amazing work, love
Hey there! :3
I'm not trying to be.) Thank's for your time,
I really like the depth of this poem, I think this poem has a lot of potential! I love it, everything seems to fit and flow to each line. (Which is what we want!) but I don't really understand your outline or format. Are you trying to experiment? If so, I like it. If not, I can't really tell what format you are sticking too.
Personally, that's all I really have to say. Otherwise, keep on writing. Hope to view some more from you! :3 (Please don't take this rudely please!
~Whitewolfpuppy :3
I really liked this poem, it seemed to have a depth to it that just really drew me in. I didn't find any mistakes, so good job. A lot of people have really good writing, but something about this peice was different somehow. I absolutely loved it! It was well written and I liked it's format especially.
Hellooooooo,
I like this a lot. Your poems are always really rather good.
Firstly, to get it out of the way, you missed an apostrophe on the second line. I won't give you the rules as I'm pretty sure this was just a one-off and I don't think you've made an apostrophe mistake before that I've seen, but there we are. I am pedantic.
I think that the uhhhh... verse structure? Is that the name? I think it is very good. But the really long last line takes a verse or two to get used to...
I love the
layout
as well.
It is really cool.
And the last line also is especially good.
So, if I was telling you things to improve on, I would say maybe try to make the last line of the first verse feel less awkward. Because it reads fine once you've read the poem through once, but first time round it just feels a bit weird. Hmmm... That is all I can really tell you to improve on. I like this lots! You really are an excellent poet!
Thanks for the review - and thanks for catching the apostrophe. I should get better proofreading goggles.
Hi Cadi! I am going to review your poem... mostly to avoid feeling guilty about posting my own poem. Because I totally feel guilty... I need to review more, I do, I do! So, apologies in advance for singling you out.
Anyway! Before I begin, I have to admit... I really love the format of the poem and the way you spaced it and everything! It lends a certain parallelism to it all. Unfortunately, the last two stanzas seem weird, since they are broken up weirdly. But still! The other guys look wonderful.
The one thing that annoys me about your poem is that there is a kind of disconnect between the first stanza and the second one. And there is a disconnect between the second stanza and the third one. Basically, the second stanza seems out of place. The first and third stanzas are encouraging the (futile) pursuit of a star, while the second one admits that the there are no stars and that this is simply an exercise in futility. So, it really doesn't fit where it is! It would be better as the last note, really.
Anyway! On a positive note, I really like the image of the moon, though now I am wondering about the symbolism of it and what it could possibly be in your poem... there are a lot of different meanings that it could be!
Hope this helps! <3
What really surprises me, is that a piece as beautiful as this doesn't get more attention. It isn't to say other "featured works" aren't good, but this is just ... its so pretty. So applicable, in many ways. I'm not going to really get into it, but I think the use of figurative language of marvelous, and I think you deserve to have this piece read by more people. Its relateable, I think.
I don't have anything to say stylistically, because I like the way you arranged everything and, because I don't know much about poetry myself. I hope to see this featured some place, somewhere -- whether it be on here, another website, or in print.