When your eyes are stuck on the car in front, you're too tired to be driving.
The skin beneath your eyes is purple,
To match the top you're wearing.
The headache lasted from the night before.
It helps to check the mirrors when changing lanes at sixty em-pii-aich.
When you feel like this,
The whole world should move around you.
Which of them was up at three last night?
At roundabouts, you always check the right before you move.
Your eyes are out of focus,
Today's events don't register with your brain.
The thoughts that kept you up are more important.
When you're tired, it's easier to crash.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello there!
Welcome to YWS! It's such an awesome place and my writing has improved so much since I've been here. I hope that you like it as much as I do! If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask me! Now, on to the poem.
Very cool concept! Being tired and driving don't mix well at all; I've had to drive through the middle of the night with my mom quite a few times and I understand your inspiration. You've captured the drowsy feeling of midnight driving very well, and I appreciate that.
This is a very good opening line for this piece. The first sentence of any poem should interest the reader, and that's exactly what this did for me. Great job!
My favorite part of this section is the first line. I really like the detail about the eyes being 'purple'. It paints a (don't mind my pun) colorful picture in my mind.
This is a cool line. I like how you wrote the names of the letters the way that they sound. It almost feels groggy, and it replicates the way that your mind thinks when you're driving through the night.
I like the first two lines of this, but the third line I'm not so sure about. It's a tad confusing in that I'm not sure who the 'them' you're referring to actually is. Perhaps it's just me.
At
I'm skeptical about how this line contributes to the poem. If it were me, I would delete it entirely because I don't feel like it adds to the story or gives me anything to think about that the rest of the poem isn't able to. Remember that I'm just giving you my opinion about this; if you like this part of the poem, keep it. Your satisfaction with your writing is what's most important.
This is...okay. I guess I don't like it as much of the rest of the poem because it doesn't have the weary quality the rest of it has. In some ways, it almost feels like I'm reading a newspaper rather than a poem. Again, this is just my opinion.
Awesome ending. Don't change a thing.
Great work! I look forward to reading more from you. Always keep writing!
-Rose
Well... this is a very optimistic poem... Welcome to YWS by the way!
A nice piece of quick poetry, giving a warning to the danger of driving when you're sleepy... *yawn*
Regardless! I should get on with the review before I fall asleep myself!
I liked your use of metaphors and the way you set out your poem, it wasn't all over the place, like some prose poetry can get. The bluntness of the poem suited the topic, it doesn't sugarcoat things after all, falling asleep while driving is very dangerous, not like I'd know that... *shifty look left to right*
Anyway, yes! This was impressive, but I would definitely like to see something a bit longer. Well done though!
Happy Writings! DNX :J