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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Cadishire ♥
I'm taking a break from greenness, and you're going to suffer the consequences!
My taste for this poem continually shuffles back and forth. It's close to conventional style, but just far enough of a distant relative to be fresh--so I'll give you points for that. Now, as far as personal taste, it feels very much like you've placed guard rails on yourself and this poem to ensure that you don't do something way too crazy with poetry, and for that, I'm sad. I'd like to see your work without a guard up--something less calculated for defense's sake.
Now, for the actual content, I feel like this is missing a central motif: something that's usually a form of imagery that follows the progression of speech through poetry. At the same time, though, I want to suffice the first two lines of each quatrain as a motif, setting the poem up as:
Lyric
Lyric
Metaphor
Metaphor
And I think that's where the guard comes up. By the end, it's very predictable. Your images are a bit too disconnected for my tastes: puzzles, the future (which is less of an image and more of another lyric), fireworks, magic/cupid/fate. However, the subconscious progression through the cliches of love twists it in a nice direction. By that, I mean:
So you've changed these once in the original images, and then given a second layer of change by denying their relation to your...relationship. So for that, I applaud you, even if it was subconscious.
Anyway, consider tying the stanzas together somehow beyond the lyric value of "this is not us--this is us," and consider the content of the final stanza. It's a bit chunky for me.
Let me know if you have questions. Write always, and remove your guard.
-Lumishire
Hello Cadox. Sorry it's been so long.
This one is hit and miss I think. For me, it's the sudden changes between 'inside' and 'outside' (I mean, in terms of abstraction). See here;
I practically drool over the last two lines, but you give the game away in the first two. The first two lines are so completely overshadowed by the second two. While the second two are great, the problem is the first two are eminently forgettable.
The second stanza is similar. The quote of the wedding vows, and the nod to The Hollow Men in the last line are brilliant. The other two lines just feel like fluff, filling in the gaps between your ideas.
Third stanza is a waste of space. You could say the same thing in a single line, no need to use four. Cut the superfluous crap. I do like the fireworks image though.
I am still undecided about the fourth stanza. It does seem contrived (and it's clear from the beginning that you're aiming for this point), but it's powerful. Keep it, but maybe refresh it?
Talk soon,
Saxy.
This poem is well written, but it did not grab my attention very well. i did like it, but its very monotone. I really liked the line "and forever is a long, long time" it really helps bring the sense that nothing is certain to the idea of love. many people over romantisize everything, and its a fresh idea in a mess of overused ideals. i advise you to make your lines longer, and flower them up a bit. add some imagry, some description, like the warth the speaker feels as they lay in each their significant others arms. Some poems could use cuttting back on imagry and such, but if you bring some into yours, im sure that it will improve. it will also get attention from more readers, who would feel as if they truly know you just from reading one poem. ive read other poems, and this is far from the worst, but it doesn't make my top ten either. most readers enjoy being drawn into the speakers world, being able to read their thoughts and emotions through the linews of a stanza, and you dont exactly bring that here. however, it is good, and i enjoyed the topic. this is one that isnt actually over done, or been used so many times its boring. all in all, i enjoyed this. keep writing, please.
What a wonderful poem! i love how this sways away from the typical romance poems where they own eachother- this is modern and written with a real and vivid edge; an imperfect love- forming the most perfect relationship. I have enjoyed reading this poem...keep writing!
I don't have anything bad to say about this poem! I really like it actually. It shows that sometimes people think, if I love him, he's the only one for me, when really, there could be someone else out there.
I think my favorite stanza is the first one. I love the jigsaw puzzle comparison, because its so true. There could be so much more out there for you.
I sincerely love this poem(: And you did a wonderful job with it. I hope to read more of your work!
Keep writing!
~Forest
Just some nit picks
The future is uncertainty, - either change uncertainty to uncertain or add an "an" before
there’s us, and there’s enough. - there's enough should be that's enough.
I like this poem. It isn't about binding love, but transient love. Love that is imperfect, but still there. Or, it could be taken as a good argument for a couple continuing a fling. Either way, it's nice.
-Cheers
Ahhhsmusch