learning to drink Costa on a Tube train
sipping carefully -
wait -
while it stops -
and jerks
away
again -
you've two more minutes safe from scalding
breathing people - not air, other people
crushed together
under pressure
(and two thousand years of settlement)
making heavy heat and smoth'ring smell. if you try not to breathe
people
down here, you'll suffocate
counting (one) the stops (two) your destination
with headphones (three) in
you can't hear Sonia, but what's she good (four)
(five) (six)
after a week of this?
(seven.)
realising the dead-eye stare
perfect Oyster timing
and Please Walk On The Left
came to you all too
easily.
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139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
This is a really great poem! It shows exactly how the commuting experience is for a lot of people and describes it really well! Its emotive and describes the chagrin and annoyance that can often come with public commuting!
Good job, and keep writing like this! ^_^
Good job with the descriptive and cool (I really like the counting of stops in the 3rd verse!) language and overall, its a really good poem!
Hey, Cadi. I'm Nonny and I'm going to go ahead and reveiw your poem 'Commuting is'. I like to go by verse so I'll go ahead and start:
1st verse: The title being commuting is and then having the first sentence of the poem being 'learning to drink Costa on a tube train' makes me assume that it would be the rest of the title, as in the title being a part of the first sentence. I realize that may have been confusing so, i.e. this is how I'm seeing it:
Commuting is
Learning to drink costa on a tube train
Instead of the way you have it as:
Title: Commuting is
1st line: learning to drink costa on a tube train
While it makes sense and is ultimately your choice, for me it's a little weird to read. Maybe it would look better if it was the title as well as the first line, or maybe a different title all together.
I'm not sure what a costa is but I'm assuming it's something like coffee. I also am not sure what a tube train is either, but different people from different countries have different names for things, haha. Maybe at the bottom make a note of what they are?
I think that we can all relate to the sharp stops off vehicals while drinking hot drinks. The anger when they spill and the pain of trying to keep them still so they don't.
2nd Verse: I really love how you used description in the second verse. The first line is very visual and people who have taken busses or trains before know that you can just about smell everyone on that ride because of how compact you are.
under pressure
(and two thousand years of settlement)
I really think that the parentheses takes away from the affect of that sentence. I get that you're describing the crushed together line by saying that it's crushed together under two thousand years of settlement, like rocks underground pretty much but I think it could be re-worded to not have to have the parentheses.
3rd and 4th verse: I think that the parentheses in this one don't work either. At least for me they don't. I see what they are there for and I think it was interesting that some of it made sense, as if they meant different words instead of numbers. I.e:
the stops (two = too) your destination
and
but what's she good (four = for)
However, the other ones don't match up other then going back to the first line, saying that your counting the stops to your destination. You also mention Sonia, but we aren't really sure where that came from or who that is.
Despite the things I disliked about the poem, I liked it overall. I think it was interesting, especially the numbers that sort of turned into words and it was definitely different and something I'm not used to reading. The things I've mentioned are only suggestions, but I only review things I like and have something to say about so...good job, just a little bit of fixing or maybe explaining would do it a lot of good!
- Nonny