Young Writers Society

Hi there,

Lehmanf here with a short review. I hope it finds you well.

First Impressions

There's a certain sense of underlying rhythm you don't really expect from the poem. I really liked the whole idea behind it.

Interpration

the title says it all.
it's the answer to the question.

there is no beyond, no freedom.
only empty.

Heya, Lizz, Elizabeth, Ms.Gilmore, Liz, whatever I'm supposed to call you on these things. Pick one, yo. Casanova here to do a review for you! Imma win this bet.

Anyway, the first thing I noticed was this seems to be just a big block of information. I know this is a journal entry, but even for that it seems rather lacking. I mean, you get to where you want to go with it. But nothing further. I didn't read it and go like wow, I read it and it kinda just laid there, if you know what I mean.
Alright, the narration. It's rather good in spots and it works well. But about halfway through this I think you sort of let the personal stuff go in this. Like, it's more like a computer listing off different things instead of an actual person talking about it.
The other thing I didn't particularly enjoy about this was the phrasing. Like, I honestly don't know anyone who would look at this and think,"Huh, I'm like that." Because of the phrasing. It's too sophisticated and it just seems like something a ninety year old rich person would say in his journal because he's got money and he has to go to a lot of parties and blah blah. You see what I mean. That's just a style preference though, in no means is it completely wrong or lacking.
Anyway, overall the idea of this is good, I just think you could have executed it a tad bit better, and rephrase it a bit. The phrasing was a bit boring, in all honesty.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your battle partner, Crowley

I think we've all been fascinated with the ability to bring out characters from books into reality--it's a fantasy, really, but to merge reality with fiction would produce some interesting effects. Of course, it's hard to say how that'll come out, as reality-bending takes a certain amount of skill. Personally, I don't think this is the best execution you could manage.

Here's the fun thing about the journal: it's a haven for interesting characters. Monologues, quick comments, strange descriptions of other characters, the first person perspective should be used to showcase a complex and amusing character without describing them directly. However, it seems that the first 'mistake' (I wouldn't call it a mistake per se, but it's more detrimental than anything) most writers make is to assume that the first person perspective is a good reason for them to make a clumsy and non-structural narrative that sounds like a friend trying to tell a story after drinking more beer than they could handle.

Unfortunately, I believe this is what this journal currently suffers from. The main character doesn't seem to be interesting enough to lure in readers attention, she doesn't describe anything in a particularly colorful way, and she often jumps from story to info dumping (the last part seemed like more of an afterthought that should've been brought up somewhere in the beginning). The most interesting thing you probably brought on was Sherlock Holmes, who amusedly seems baffled by the modern world. I wish you dwelled on that for a little longer.

I suggest adding some personality to the character by asking yourself a couple of questions about her, or throwing that aside and using yourself as the main character. No one knows you better than you, and everything that comes out of your brain is guaranteed to be interesting. Lure us in. Convince us your main character is worth caring about.

Moving to the next chapter,

--EM.

The reason journal, that I am writing to you now

As you see me writing this, you may think well that is only a couple of generations.

Another problem with the holidays is when someone gives me a gift, it is usually a book. I have kept almost every book I have bought or received at one time or another. This is for a few simple reasons, one being how much I love books. This reason is probably obvious but the other is harder to explain. ...... My family has always been magical and this power only comes every few generations. The scribes that wrote the ancient scrolls containing family history, were not specific with their calculations or they did not know how many generations skipped before another witch with the power was born. Aunt Agatha is the only other living high priestess with the power,
"instead of a comma put a period here" I think there may be one less powerful, 'a' warlock, out there. The difference between our powers, "i don't believe you need that comma there depends on the pedigree of the family. The McGoverns are called the Last Great Coven because they remained pure for almost 2000 years. That was until one of the daughters married a young, very powerful warlock named O'Brien. The O' Briens were powerful, but their powers could not compare to the Mc Governs. ...... My grandmother, E Cecilia, is who I am named for, became powerful as she was the daughter of two great covens. I am however also named for Jane R, on my father's side, once more confusing the coven bloodlines. By these means I was supposed to choose from four, and I chose to follow the Mc Governs. Well enough for the family history lesson, back to the story.

I have to be diligent that they never leave for who knows what would happen if the outside world learned of their existence.

Hi! I'm here to review your work~

#BF4080 "> Plot and Pace
The plot is very interesting and the pace is perfect.

#BF4080 "> Characters
I like the main character. She sounds intelligent and sophisticated.

#BF4080 "> Grammar and Weird Sentences

Most people will just shut the book and then those characters are gone, just me memories.

Almost every book I have ever had I keep because I among few witches who can bring them to life.

Ok, so right now, I have not finished the story, but I am showing typos.
"just me memories." believe that should be mere.
-----
Ok, so only one typo, I liked it! A lot!

I also love that rhyme at the end, reminds me of how witchy characters in media always seem to rhyme their words, but you didn't overdo it.

Also, another thing you may want to clear up, once she brings the characters to life, are they alive forever? Do they look any different from a human? Are their clothed stuck to their body because a picture is a picture? Does she have magical roots? Did she know about her magical roots before knowing about her uncle Albert?

Also, I figured that sentence at the end " It may be hard to imagine the great Sherlock Holmes or Gandalf the Grey using a smartphone but it happened nonetheless." was a reference to BBC's Sherlock, but when I saw your icon, I knew it had to be.

I would also wonder, if the person were dead, such as one of people in the painting, when they come to life are they the age they were when they were painted? If someone was photographed dead, such as a coronary report, would they show up for only a few hours before dropping dead?

All in all, it was a great story, but one that left many questions that would be great to clarify.

Hi. Glad to me someone new like me. Welcome to YWS (Well, everyone does the same to me, welcome, I mean, and it kind of seems grand so.. )

I loved your work. It is unique and unlike anything I've ever read. You wrote yourself to be a witch and that too a witch addressing Christmas. I also liked all the topic you covered up like the holidays and books.

But I disagree on one point that 'it is boring because Sherlock Holmes is not acquainted with modern technology. Well, I feel that if he would have been then the stories would have lost their authenticity and the value of a genius brain like his would have been lost. But that's solely my opinion. Moreover on second thoughts it might be interesting if a genius like him would have had access to the latest technologies. People would have to think ten times before doing anything illegal.

But anyway, I liked your work on the whole, as a told at the beginning.