Young Writers Society

Hi there Lizz. I thought I'd give you my 1050th review because 1.) you're an amazing person and 2.) in honor of your transfer to PCrew and 3.) because I said I'd review this and kept forgetting over the past few days. With that out of the way, let's begin.

If these were the first days of a precious new spring,
I would wait for you in the field of flowers.
If these were the first days of a sweltering new summer,
I would serve lemonade to the picnic under the oaks.
If these were the first days of a gold and crimson autumn,
I would run through the busy forests looking for you.
If these were the first days of a cold but clear winter,
I would freeze and defrost with the cocoa supplies.

I remember hearing you say that you were reading/read a fair amount of naturalist poetry and--the inspiration shows here. I liked the concept of cycling through the seasons that's shown here in this first stanza but I do think the overall execution can be stronger. Let's address what's arguably holding this whole stanza together: The repetition.

While as an idea with the stanza including all four seasons and coming full-circle is nice, the actual use of repetition becomes a little stale the more this goes on. Maybe change up the phrases to add spice to the start of each line. Another issue that I hold here is with the slight overuse of adjectives? Instead of 'sweltering new summer' and 'crimson autumn' and 'cold but clear winter', I'd try translating that into imagery. Of course, that doesn't have to be done for each as a couple adjectives don't hurt anyone but nor does strong imagery.

For example, let's take the phrase 'cold but clear winter'. The exact information can be said as 'a crystal winter' perhaps 'a winter where the sun's hands don't reach the ground' but those are only examples (and if I'm being honest, probably bad ones on my part too). I do hope that you understand what I'm trying to say, though.

But these are the in between days of winter and you cannot be found,
no matter where I search for you.
Not in the fields of flowers,
which have now all shriveled and disappeared from site.

Okay, so, I like this stanza a lot. I especially like the first two lines although I'd suggest taking 'but' out of the beginning of the first line. There's also a bit of redundancy with saying 'you' at the end of the second line when the word 'you' is already used in the first line--take out 'for you' and leave 'no matter where I search' in that second line. In the third line, add in 'even' after 'not' for flow purposes and rework the fourth line for flow entirely. Also, as Iggy mentioned, there's a minor grammar error with 'site' needing changed to 'sight'.

Nor can I find you underneath the gentle shade trees,
where the snow has covered all that the summer knew.
And even if I try to look for you in the forests,
walking over the half crunchy and soggy leaves,
there will be no one there.

The use of the word 'nor' at the beginning of the first line in this stanza makes the line seem to be more of a continuation than the start of a stanza though that's more of a stylistic choice on your part that I wanted to point out to be a little odd in my mind. This third stanza comes off weaker in execution than the second and I'd love to see that fixed especially with the second stanza starting out so strong with the 'these are the the in-between days of winter' line, emphasizing that the other person in the poem is nowhere to be found.

In fact, I wanted to note that 'nowhere to be found' may be a better phrase for the end of that line than 'cannot be found', though that's debatable. Back to this third stanza, the phrase 'gentle shade trees' needs fixing and is exactly what I mean by adjective over-usage. Find a different, better way to say that line and get that line across to the reader because that's a pain to read. I like the second line and don't have much of a problem with that one through the last three lines are again, weaker than the rest and don't have that impact that's needed. Work on that.

For this is winter and it is certainly true,
that all good things must come to an end.

The wording of the first line can use a bit of reworking although I have to say that I like this ending and overall, I think this holds a lot of potential to be a stronger poem with editing. This is quite different from your regular poetry style and I'm proud of you for branching out and experimenting. Nice job on this, Lizz, because despite what I said throughout my review, this is solid but I can imagine this being even stronger with a couple more ounces of work.


If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope this review is worthy enough to be my 1050th! I also hope I helped and have a great day.

Hello, my dove! Here to review this lovely piece of work <3

Okay, so right away, I really liked this! You did a good job of evoking some beautiful imagery in this poem I feel like you really hit the nail on the head of each season and what you would do, assuming if that season was true to its name LOL my winter has been nothing but sun and heat. Thanks California

So yeah, that was really nice. I can't help but feel that the last line of the first stanza could be tweaked, though, because you focused on nature all up until that point. You talked about spring and flowers, summer and oaks, autumn and forests, and then winter and cocoa supplies. It was a bit jarring and it kinda threw me off for a second. I would swap it to something else, like maybe a fire by the chimney? Or something that feels more ~nature-y~ if you catch my drift. If not, then I would swap "cocoa supplies" for something else, like "hot chocolate", just because the use of the word supplies is odd to me. It's not the word I would've used when describing a hot beverage, haha.

In regards to the second paragraph, I think you made a grammar error here:

which have now all shriveled and disappeared from site.

I'm sure you meant "sight" not "site" here

The second and third paragraphs are both really nice, but I recommend removing the tilde (~) between them. In fact, I would say remove all the tildes because it comes across to me like a full stop more than a stanza divider. For example, the second and third paragraph should flow together, since they are intended to, and they didn't for me when I read the poem. I took a pause after the second paragraph and was a bit thrown off because the intent behind the "not" was to continue with a second example, I knew, so I was confused as to where it was. Then I kept reading and saw and kept wondering why they were separated instead of connected. Feel me? I would just remove all tildes so the stanzas can properly flow into each other while still being uniquely separated.

Finally, that last stanza was great and a good way to end the poem! Overall, this was just a lovely piece of work and truly fitting for this month. I feel you, girl. I feel you. I hope this review helped.

♥ Igs

Heyyyy Lizz! I know I'm breaking the self-deprecation rule here, but I really do feel that I ought to mention I don't review poetry much. So if I'm a little scattered, that's why.

There are lots of good things about this poem. I will talk about them after I have spoken about the one or two things niggling at me.

There is a question I have to this poem. In your first stanza, we learn that:

If these were the first days of a cold but clear winter,
I would freeze and defrost with the cocoa supplies.

What this suggests to me is that a cosy kind of love continues even in winter, where your speaker find's comfort and warmth in the object's company/embrace amidst the cold. So that means I'm wondering why, later in the poem, winter has led to the end of this love. I am guessing that the answer to this is that it's January, after all the warm fuzzy feelings of the holidays. This is the real winter, without the chestnuts roasting on the open fire etc.

There is some hinting towards this:

But these are the in between days of winter and you cannot be found,
no matter where I search for you.

This suggests to me that it's this specific part of winter in which love ends, but I'm not entirely certain. Even in this case, what is it about these days of winter? What does "in between" mean? Surely it's more of an "after" kinda thing, what with Christmas and New Year's having happened.

The point I'm making here is that I would like more description of the atmosphere of this poem's subject: January, rather than having to infer.

The only other little thing I'd suggest is that I wasn't sure about the metre of line four, but like I said, I don't know enough technical stuff about poetry to know exactly how to express that. I mean, I do know things about poetry, but it's mostly medieval and I don't talk about metre that often

Compliment time:

Your tone in this comes through really strongly. I can hear sorrow, wistfulness, fondness, whatever the noun of bittersweet is. That helps me a lot to immerse myself in the poem, which makes it really easy to have an emotional reaction to it.

The subject you've chosen to write on is really interesting - which to me at least appears to be remembering a happier time in a cold season. Maybe you're being metaphorical (which actually would account for the contradiction about winter I mentioned), but I don't know necessarily.

Some of your imagery is also really pretty, bringing vivid images to mind with fits well with the theme of remembering fond memories. Nice work there!

Hit me up on discord if any of this is unclear,
Biscuits