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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there, Brigadier
Lehmanf here with a short review. I hope it finds you well.
First Impressions
For a short poem, I thoroughly enjoyed this and really hope you have many other pieces such as this.
Interpration
I see the title vaguely intertwined with this first stanza but the title is otherwise is a mystery for me at least. I can imagine most probably a diary, pen in hand. Just struggling to stab it into the book and write every feeling, every emotion, every problem instead of actually telling people what's wrong. There is a certain amount of being afraid of ridicule that I can understand.
I'm interested in the fact that there are no capital letters and yet punctuation for anything else. Is that a style choice? Pouring your heart so that no one else has to see you in pain. To scribble it down and rid every thought from your head but every single thing you've kept inside has filled it with nonsense nobody ever needed when you really do need to have it. When you struggle to scream and search for something but you're so scared others will find out and you are embarrassed you have emotions and you aren't always happy.
I thought this was the only stanza that needed one or two more words. "past the brim with rage." That is a possible option. Notebook is also maybe not the right word, diary, journal. Anything really that makes it seem secretive that gives you a reason not to just ask for a piece of paper.
Overall
I really enjoyed this poem although I can be very nit-picky when it comes to punctuation. I really liked the poem and its message. I enjoyed the enjambment and really hope a lot of your poems are this well worded.
Have a fantastic day
Lehmanf
So we meet again in another amazing chapter of yours. My sister goes on this website and she said that your poem wasn't that good, to support you I said that she can write something better even though she tried. I know that was kind of mean, so I said sorry after. Anyway this poem has some amazing Essence in it. Great job.
Dear LadyBird,
My nine year old cousin says, "That sucks. I'm so sorry for you that sucks. I don't want you to feel sucky. And that's all I'm gonna say. Ba bye."
This is actually really cool and metaphorical. I love how you ended this. This is so cool! Love reading your poetry!!!
- B
So, I'm going to start by saying I'm pretty crap at reviews. I really liked this because the detail that you go through for your decision does a great job at passing the question on to the reader, as well as forcing the reader to form their own argument for what they would choose. That being said, if I could bring modern technology to Hogwarts that's definitely where I'd go. Anyways, I think my only real problem with it is where your character forgot about the bunker and the Avenger's tower simply because I mean if it was me that's not at all something I'd forget. I also would've loved a bit more exposition as to why not choose one of them. All-in-all I enjoyed it and plan to read the rest. I'm not good with exposing grammatical errors (that's what microsoft word is for) but yeah this was cool.
Hola lizzybookclubqueen1 =) This is a really cool piece! I love how you go through the options and make sure that your reader knows what's going on. The ending is good too =) with what seems a reality story suddenly turning in on itself to become more!
Seriously, I only have a couple nitpicks.
Question marks are the key here. With no question marks at the end of your questions it feels like you're character is stuck in monotone. This is really easy to fix =)
Another small thing, what question is she faceing in the beginning of this work? Though it is stated in the title, maybe it would be clearerer if you asked the question in the story as well =)
Well, that's all for now! Don't stop writing =D
Thanks for the review. I will fix those errors. Thank you for the suggestions too. I hope to have the second chapter finished soon.
%uD83D%uDE03
-lizzy
Yay! I'll have to check the second chapter out =) Love when writers do cliffhangers XD
Hello lizzybookclubqueen1, Amindor here.
While I was quite confused at first when I read this, I did thoroughly enjoy it. I am, in fact, in pretty much all of these fandoms, except supernatural,(sadly), mainly because I'm still catching up on many other shows. There are a few slight small errors, though.
"Should my name be Elizabeth the Emerald or Jane the Jade."
I don't know if you meant to put it without a question mark, but if you didn't, I'm sure it was just a mistype. I also did see other sentences throughout this work that I might think would have a question mark, but I can also see the purpose of you not putting one there from the character's point of view, if you meant to put it that way. I apologize if I'm wrong.
"In the spirit of detective work I started with Sherlock and John."
Correction: "In the spirit of detective work, I started with Sherlock and John."
"Lets look on the bright side, if I am a hero and help the characters solve a case, I know I won't get emotionally attached because eventually I will get home right."
Correction: "Let's look on the bright side. If I am a hero and help the characters solve a case, I know I won't get emotionally attached because eventually I will get home, right?"
(I'm not sure if it should be 'get home' or 'go home.')
"As soon as I say this aloud I hear a whooshing sound, the room begins to shake like an earthquake and then everything goes dark."
Correction: "As soon as I say this aloud, I hear a whooshing sound. The room begins to shake like an earthquake, and then everything goes dark."
I don't really see many errors, and I do apologize again if I am wrong about any of it. I really did enjoy this work, and I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work in the future! Keep writing on!
Hi Amindor. Thanks for writing a review. I proofread to the best of my ability but I always miss something.
About fandoms:
Have you watched classic who?
I corrected my errors and added a bit more. Thanks again.
Allons-y
No problem! And no; I haven't watched classic who. What is it?
Did you start on 9 or skip him?
Classic Who is the original series started in 1963 with Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davidson, Baker and Mc Coy. That is the first doctor through the seventh. My favorites are 3 and 4. The most popular though is Tom Baker, 4. If you don't watch it doesn't matter but the old doctors are very humorous. There are several episodes with different generations together and they are the funniest. Start with 1 and have fun my fellow nerdy friend.
Oh. That's what you meant. The old doctor who? I've heard of it and lately, I have been trying to watch the old one. And yes, I did start on nine but I have been watching some of the old episodes and I'm trying to catch up on it. Thank you for mentioning it.
If you like the old episodes there were some spin off shows from the BBC too. Torchwood was really bad and I only watched two episodes. The Sarah Jane Adventures were pretty good though.