Young Writers Society

Heeeey LadyBird, here for another review.

This one has a lot more substance then the other one I reviewed. I feel like there's more going on here in your head when you wrote this. I feel like it's a little religious with "holy ground" and "soldiers" and "clouds" but I also feel like you're talking about privilege. Some people are destined to be soldiers while others are allowed to be oblivious and righteous.

I feel like the whole thing being three sentences makes the third sentence awkward?

"realize that in the lands here there is so much to explore, but how much of it should really be put the trial of being witnessed."
You start out with a pretty strong statement, these lands are vast, and there's mystery here, but then you end with a question without a question mark with weird wording. "How much of it should really be put the trial of being witnessed" doesn't actually make sense to me. put through the trial? Put on trial? How much of it should be put to the trial? I feel like we're missing a preposition or something.

Overall the poem has a lot of useless phrases and words that could be trimmed. "Who must" being the first. "I am the one who belongs in the clouds" makes it more active and sounds better. Why MUST they? If there is no clear reason given later, then why include it?
"And you are among the soldiers" also comes more naturally.

I don't understand why you cut "to remain" which actually kind of splits the infinitive here, but I understand wanting to start on a strong word, it just feels a little awkward here. Why does it matter that they must remain, with an oath, on their so holy ground anyway? Why all the commas? Why does the oath matter?

And then we get into the last thing.

I feel like this poem needs a little more fleshing out, maybe a few more lines, working in more meaning to the soldier and the clouds, cutting out the ambiguity of why the land matters, or the oath, or what this trial thing is.

Anyway, I hope this helps!

Hi, Oliver here to review! Let's get into it.

This was an interesting poem to read. It's a bit short, which means there's a lot of meaning packed into a few lines. This poem, to me, talks about someone having to navigate the world (which can seem like a battlefield) after someone they love has died or been separated from them. This poem has undertones of religious imagery, such as talking about belonging in the clouds (a possible reference to heaven) and 'holy ground'. It also brings about imagery of war, talking about a 'soldier' with an 'oath' and land being put to witness.

i am the one who must belong in the clouds.

and you must be among the soldiers to
remain, with an oath, on their so holy ground.

realize that in the lands here there is so much
to explore, but how much of it should really be
put the trial of being
witnessed.