Young Writers Society

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review.

So, I went ahead and read the other two chapters to get an idea of what's going on in this chapter, and as a big fangirl I like the idea you have here.

Something that confused me was the timeline of this happening. You said that as she was writing this, ten years had passed since it happened, but then she had created this world three years before that? As I say it now, it makes more since, but I think it was just a bit confusingly worded, and it tripped me up.

The main weakness of this story is that it's underwritten. We need more - although the exposition about the story that she wrote is important, I feel it could be cut down and more time be devoted to how Emily is feeling and to describing the setting around her. You also have a tendency to make large blocks of paragraphs that should probably be split up.

If I wanted to make this a piece of fiction, I would just end the story here, but I feel that if half of the story is out there I almost also publish the other half.

I agree with Rydia here. This line doesn't make much sense, and you just reminded the reader that the narrator is writing this down in the last paragraph.

Random Side Note: I feel like John Smith is going to be the Doctor, since he's a time agent....

Finally, although I usually like stories with a narrator that addresses the reader, the way you're doing it could get old very quickly. But as long as you don't have the narrator interrupt the story too often (especially as long as she doesn't comment on the way she's telling the story), you should be fine.

Good luck with this, and keep writing!

Hullo! I've not read the earlier parts so if I say something you think you've already covered, please feel free to ignore!

Specifics

1. As we're only on chapter three, I think 'past two chapters' would be a better description than past few. I normally think of a few as being 3/4 while a couple is 2. But I think precision would work best here.

2.

If I wanted to make this a piece of fiction, I would just end the story here, but I feel that if half of the story is out there I almost also publish the other half.

This line is awkward. I'd suggest cutting it - I don't think you need to draw the reader's attention to this being fiction. More often than not, the act of saying it isn't reminds us that it is.

3. I think you give too many details of what the book No Time was about and that it would be more powerful if you went straight into describing the room and then relating that back to the book. The room is of more importance to the reader at the moment than what the book was about. It also pulls the reader out of the story as you noted yourself.

Overall

This ends with an interesting realisation and I think I like the ideas behind it but it moves a little bit too quickly at the moment. It would be nice to see a little more description first and for the character to move around the room a little more and reveal some of their thoughts to us. Are they frightened or amazed that their room has been created? Do they consider that it might be a stalker who has done this rather than magic?

I like the time travel theme and I think you're playing with some fun ideas but maybe slow it down a little and add some more details.

All the best with this!

~Heather