Young Writers Society

Dear LadyBird,

My nine year old cousin says, "I for example means for me I love my cousin, and 1% for the emotion they need does not make sense. You have to fix your letters. I'm sorry, actually, sorry sorry sorry sorry. *giggle* Lady Bird, I'm sorry. You're beautiful! *giggle* That's it."

I think this poem is really cool, and I'm interested about the personal meaning and your inspiration for it.

"Ba bye!"

- B

Hey, it's Meerkat here for a review. I read chapter one, so I hope I'm caught up.

Firstly, let's deal with grammar, spelling, etc:

-"twirl-o-wirl" should be spelled "whirl."

-"on and on I though to myself" should be "thought."

-"fairy-tales" does not need a hyphen.

-"purple peacocks tail feathers or tale of cowardly lion gold." There are three things in this sentence that might need to be fixed. Number one, peacock feathers are not purple, unless bleached or dyed that color. Second, "peacocks" requires an apostrophe. You should say "peacock's" if the phrase refers to the feathers of a single peacock, or "peacocks'" if you refer to multiple birds. Thirdly, "tale of cowardly lion" should be spelled "tail."

-"The first, labeled Hogwarts school of magic" should be written as "The first was labeled 'Hogwarts School of Magic.'"

-"The second, was a black door" does not need a comma.

-"The last, the TARDIS door, which I quickly rushed to." This should be "The last was the TARDIS door, which I quickly rushed to."

Throughout the chapter you have many run-ones that cause distraction and fragments that break the flow of the story. Some examples are as follows:
-"Oh yes." (fragment, needs a comma)
-"You think to yourself, well this is not so bad, and then it tilts." (run-on)
-"I could see nothing, it was like midnight in a dark and spooky woods, except this was exponentially scarier." (run-on; also, "exponentially" is used incorrectly here)
-"One door all by itself and the light was shining from a lamp next to it." (fragment)
-"Each step I took, getting closer and closer to the end, the more my hands sweated and shook, I reassured myself this was nothing more than a nightmare." (run-on)
-"This new row, instead of being painted in solid colors, were painted like book covers and after that movie and television posters." (run-on)

Side note: I don't think the second paragraph really adds anything to the story. You might even be better off deleting it entirely, as it is just a vague tangent on the part of the narrator.

Notes on formatting: When someone is thinking something, you should express their thought in italics. It helps the reader identify the thought more clearly, besides just being standard practice for writing. Also, I am often unsure what perspective you are using in this work—is this a self-insert piece, or did I miss when you introduced your narrator as a character? In addition, you switch from first-person to second-person address sometimes, when it would be better to keep it consistent.

Plot:
First off, I want to express that you have a lot of potential for a captivating story here. The worlds of the Harry Potter and Doctor Who fandoms yield an abundant pool from which to draw exciting stories and ideas. That being said, while I can definitely see your ability to write an interesting tale, this story still seems kind of flat. The main character is being transported to a parallel universe and presumably setting off on an adventure, but without proper context, characterization, and focus, there is no clear reason to be hooked for the rest of the book. Exciting things are happening, but the excitement is dulled by confusion and insufficient description.

The first part of a novel is perhaps the most vital part. You have three major goals:
1. Hook your audience.
2. Establish your setting and character(s).
3. Define a consistent tone (the voice) for your writing.

There are other things you should aim for as well, but these are the main ones. You need to give an powerful reason for someone to love your book enough to to want to read the rest of it. Yes, this sounds difficult, but I know you can do it. You also have to get your story going, and create a character one can care about, or at least find engaging. Finally, you have to decide how you will be speaking to readers through your language, tone, perspective, etc. Accomplishing these (admittedly tricky) goals will leave you with a great story.

To conclude, I see a lot of great ideas and potential here. With some editing, this could be a fun book filled with adventure and excitement. I hope that this review was helpful in some way, and wish you the best of luck in your book for the future.

Have a great day, and keep writing!

I love it! I love Doctor Who and Harry Potter, so this was really cool. I hope you add more. You have me wondering where the door took you. There weren't any grammar issues that I noticed...Good Job! (I always struggle with that. ) The Alice in Wonderland thing was cool too. You have talent...Use it! Keep writing this series! I am in love with it! I will say that more description would be nice, but it's not really a problem. I'm just a very descriptive-wanting person. I hope to read more of your work!