vii - back to good bye

-"For months him endured" For months he endured

-"This did not deter the bears one but." This did not deter the bears one bit

-"It seems that they got ahold of his cellphone number." It seems that they got a hold of his cell phone number.

-"Feeling this was enough to deter the bears, also referred to as the monarchs for some strange reason, he went to sleep." Not a grammar issue, but why are they referred to as Monarchs? I mean, you did say 'for some reason', but I feel like this wasn't enough explanation because--well, let's put it this way. You have to be Russian to associate bears with any form of political power, and even then that's only because one President may or may not have punched a bear in the face in a meme-tastic moment of awesomeness. This could warrant some explanation.

-"He ran away to the first to live with Wolves" Why is 'wolves' capitalized? Also, 'to the first' where? I think 'He ran away to live with the wolves' might be better worded.

-"Will he find true love along the way or will he die in his tears of sorrow?" He is being hounded by bear telemarketers . Can we just add 'die of laughter' in that statement? (not a criticism, by the way. That was a pretty funny line, and I recognize that it may be intentionally funny.)

Actual Review:

I recognize that this isn't really an episode of Jim's Life of Trying to Not Be Verbally Hounded By Bears, as much as it is one of those really weird 'Previously On' moments in soap operas where the soap operas pretend as if we haven't watched the last episode and recapped all of it into thirty seconds. Still, considering it started out with a dream I was excited to see the rest of it occur, but instead it just turned into a 'Stay Tune for the Next Episode'. That wouldn't be much of a problem, but it didn't feel like you showed us enough to want to see what happens in the next episode. Who is Jim? He's an accountant being hounded by bears. Yeah, but who is Jim? Is he your everyday accountant? Is he blander than white bread? Does he speak in a funny manner? Is he the physical incarnation of boring? We don't know! In the first episode, I think you should try to give us glimpses of who Jim is, what he's like, just so that we can establish why we need to root for him.

Also, again, like I said in one of our chats--it doesn't have to be in an alternate universe, because now we have the problem of it feeling like a copout. As in, sudden and painless. Why are bears telemarketers? "Because it's an alternate universe." Yeah, but why ? "It's just in an alternate universe, that's how things work around here." Are they a metaphor or something? Are you saying that all telemarketers are blood hungry animals? "Oh my God, Ellmist, stop taking things so seriously." I'm sorry, but you sort of forced me into taking it seriously because its just so weird . And I think that there would be a bunch of interesting stories you could do with why the bears are telemarketers--maybe scientists are engineering animals into becoming normal working human beings? That would be cool to read about, and you don't even have to explain too deeply because it just supports the strangeness of the situation. That's the great thing about Weird; it doesn't have to make sense, you just have to have a very fun explanation for it.

And I think that's what would make this piece very good in the future. You don't have to make it believable, but you have to have fun in how you explain it to people. This premise is just crazy enough to actually work, so I'm interested in seeing what you do with it soon enough.

Signing out,

--EM.

When I first saw your work my gut reaction was "yay bears!"
Then, once I started reading, I realized that there were no physical bears. Boo.
Well, enough of my own greed for bears!

First point, typos. You wrote a great piece but you do have a couple

1.

I'm talking about a physical rescue not "being saved" by like an infinite being...

This did not deter the bears one but.

He was once again awoken by the ringing of a phone, his brother's.

Solid work fam! I'm intrigued by the way you merged animals and humans as characters in the story. I'm curious as to your motivations behind choosing the bear as the animal. Did you chose the bear because the animal represents more than just a predator? This idea of being dropped into an alternative universe is also fascinating. Keep up the good work. You've earned yourself a follow, I hope you'll repay the favor.