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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
-"For months him endured" For months he endured
-"This did not deter the bears one but." This did not deter the bears one bit
-"It seems that they got ahold of his cellphone number." It seems that they got a hold of his cell phone number.
-"Feeling this was enough to deter the bears, also referred to as the monarchs for some strange reason, he went to sleep." Not a grammar issue, but why are they referred to as Monarchs? I mean, you did say 'for some reason', but I feel like this wasn't enough explanation because--well, let's put it this way. You have to be Russian to associate bears with any form of political power, and even then that's only because one President may or may not have punched a bear in the face in a meme-tastic moment of awesomeness. This could warrant some explanation.
-"He ran away to the first to live with Wolves" Why is 'wolves' capitalized? Also, 'to the first' where? I think 'He ran away to live with the wolves' might be better worded.
-"Will he find true love along the way or will he die in his tears of sorrow?" He is being hounded by bear telemarketers . Can we just add 'die of laughter' in that statement? (not a criticism, by the way. That was a pretty funny line, and I recognize that it may be intentionally funny.)
Actual Review:
I recognize that this isn't really an episode of Jim's Life of Trying to Not Be Verbally Hounded By Bears, as much as it is one of those really weird 'Previously On' moments in soap operas where the soap operas pretend as if we haven't watched the last episode and recapped all of it into thirty seconds. Still, considering it started out with a dream I was excited to see the rest of it occur, but instead it just turned into a 'Stay Tune for the Next Episode'. That wouldn't be much of a problem, but it didn't feel like you showed us enough to want to see what happens in the next episode. Who is Jim? He's an accountant being hounded by bears. Yeah, but who is Jim? Is he your everyday accountant? Is he blander than white bread? Does he speak in a funny manner? Is he the physical incarnation of boring? We don't know! In the first episode, I think you should try to give us glimpses of who Jim is, what he's like, just so that we can establish why we need to root for him.
Also, again, like I said in one of our chats--it doesn't have to be in an alternate universe, because now we have the problem of it feeling like a copout. As in, sudden and painless. Why are bears telemarketers? "Because it's an alternate universe." Yeah, but why ? "It's just in an alternate universe, that's how things work around here." Are they a metaphor or something? Are you saying that all telemarketers are blood hungry animals? "Oh my God, Ellmist, stop taking things so seriously." I'm sorry, but you sort of forced me into taking it seriously because its just so weird . And I think that there would be a bunch of interesting stories you could do with why the bears are telemarketers--maybe scientists are engineering animals into becoming normal working human beings? That would be cool to read about, and you don't even have to explain too deeply because it just supports the strangeness of the situation. That's the great thing about Weird; it doesn't have to make sense, you just have to have a very fun explanation for it.
And I think that's what would make this piece very good in the future. You don't have to make it believable, but you have to have fun in how you explain it to people. This premise is just crazy enough to actually work, so I'm interested in seeing what you do with it soon enough.
Signing out,
--EM.
When I first saw your work my gut reaction was "yay bears!"
Then, once I started reading, I realized that there were no physical bears. Boo.
Well, enough of my own greed for bears!
First point, typos. You wrote a great piece but you do have a couple
1.
This part should probably have a comma at "physical rescue, not 'being saved' by..."
2.
"but" should be "bit"
3. this comma should be a ":"
I'm also puzzled by a couple bits of this work. If the constant ringing of his phone was making him so crazy, why didn't he mute his phone? Or at least just let it die for a few hours every day?
Also, I'm moved by some of the pieces of insight in this, but it seems like it can't decide if it's pondering the universe, or being a funny tale about a guy who lives with woodland creatures.
Happy writing, and I'll be sure to read the next episode of "Jim: A Simple Accountant Trying to Survive in a Bear's World"
(I've been made fun of having longish titles for my works, and I'm glad to see someone else who isn't satisfied with a few words) *thumbs up*
I usually proofread my works a little better but this came straight from a word war and I just fixed the major things. It was just some stupid idea that I was trying to make funny. Then the idea of making fun of a classic book kicked in and sadly it went down the drain. I was watching this old tv show called SOAP while doing the edits and decided to make fun of soap operas. My titles are almost always wrong and then I end up abbreviating them. To answer the question about the ringer, I don't know. Bears are telemarketers in this world and all sorts of crazy stuff is happening. Also due to sleep deprivation, Jim probably lost every ounce of logical thought a couple of days prior.
Sorry for any confusion that this was about real bears.
Thanks for the review.
-lizzy
Solid work fam! I'm intrigued by the way you merged animals and humans as characters in the story. I'm curious as to your motivations behind choosing the bear as the animal. Did you chose the bear because the animal represents more than just a predator? This idea of being dropped into an alternative universe is also fascinating. Keep up the good work. You've earned yourself a follow, I hope you'll repay the favor.
This whole story sprouted from an idea someone gave me in chat a month or so after I joined. I couldn't make anything of it then. Yesterday I was doing a WW and it just popped into my head. I chose an alternate universe because I figured that a post-apocalyptic Earth 1 is not going to have bears as telemarketers.
Thanks for the review.
-lizzy