i write about the sad, cold, dreary parts of the world.
excluding happiness from every thought or will.
when you finish reading my grand masterpiece,
the fear and the sadness will over take you.
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138,958 Literary Works • 672,362 Reviews
Heya, Liz! Cas here to do a review for you!
Okay, just doing a lot of over view on this.
Anyway, out of the poetry I've read of yours this one seems to be the best that I've seen of yours. It seems to flow well, and I think that it's a pretty good poem.
One thing I didn't like was that this seems to be overly long. It seems like it could end half way through, yet you keep going. I would think that that wouldn't be a good thing, but overall I think that you made it work well.
Now, your images. They seem to not flow well, meaning you have a lot of images that don't seem to fit together well and I didn't particularly like that.
The message in this poem wasn't that clear to me, but that could be because I skimmed this piece and a lot of the lines started flowing together.
Anyway, overall I think you have a strongg basis of a poem and besides humour I couldn't find any meaning to this poem.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on. That's all I have to say about this one and I hope it helped.
Your battle partner, Crowley
An interesting poem. I think everything is interesting, though, so my initial comments are useless to you. You said yes to my request to review this, and thus I shall--but firstly, some minor mistakes that aren't particularly important in the long run.
-"But it's really just like believing in magical snow." I feel like magical snow isn't a very good comparison here. I mean, in our childhoods we didn't believe that snow is magic (well, except me, since I've never seen snow considering where I live), but an excruciatingly annoying think that piles up on the front door if you don't move it eventually. I'd suggest something more relatable and whimsical, that would match the tone of the work (the tooth fairy, perhaps? Play a little bit with Mr. Toothbrush and Mrs. Paste).
-"Able to survive through a nuclear war marshmallow?
Or does Barely smells like vanilla even though it's labeled that way, suit me better?" Maybe try to capitalize Barely Smells Like Vanilla Even Though It's Labeled That Way, so that the reader will get that it's a name or a joke. Also, nuclear war marshmallow is a weird sentence, but whatever it's supposed to mean I think I might like it.
-"I'm yelling at because your cousin almost cost me my life when I was young." What are you yelling at? The word 'because'? How odd. 'Because' never did anything wrong. (What I'm saying here is get a person or a subject after 'I'm yelling at').
-"Though I'd rather be in the keys
Than looking out onto this open sea." I don't quite understand this sentence. In the keys? Do you mean in prison? Locked with a key might make more sense, in my opinion in the keys just sounds like they shrunk people and trapped them in keyhole prisons. (Actually, that would make a fantastic Antman set piece. Marvel, get to it).
Actual Review:
The whimsical tone of this poem is particularly interesting, considering who wrote it and how childish it seems to be in spite of that. Or maybe because of that. I'm really not surprised, knowing you, but still. The twists and turns to unrelated topics can sometimes seem almost stark and often strange (the Ye Olde West comes to mind as a little bit too much), but most of the time, it's just funny and fitting (the cows part was hilarious). I think you should keep it a bit more tonally consistent, but overall the above has said everything I needed to say about the work.
Until next time,
--EM.
1. April Fool's Day was still on my mind when I wrote about the snow. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
2. Yeah at the "Yelling" part I meant to put "you" like I'm yelling at you.
3. Keys as in the Florida Key as in Key West. Cow I just revealed my location didn't I. Haha I live nowhere near that part of the state.
Thanks for the review.
Lizzy
This is really wierd, yet I find myself wondering some of the same things. Your vocabulary is outstanding, but what does cahoots mean? In your very last line you mention a cow. Are you meaning crap or really a cow? It is very good though.
Cow is what I say when I feel like cursing but I'm around family.
Cahoots:http://www.dictionary.com/browse/cahoots?s=t
I just borrowed it from an older detective novel. It's a somewhat common thing in those old books.
It was meant to be rambling and weird because what are we thinking about at midnight? Stuff that doesn't make much sense. I actually wrote it at like 11 pm so it wasn't quite midnight thoughts.
Thanks for the comment.
Lizzy
This poem is a certainly rambling piece. Which really works, I think, in this case. I got a feeling that this poem wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, from your diction and syntax. Some spots and rhymes feel a bit strained, but it's okay. A pretty sweet and relatable poem, it made me smile a bit. I really like the seventh stanza. Reminds me a bit of Dr. Suess in how you made up "key lime pie-ing."
Anyway, sorry that I'm kind of bad at reviwing. ^^" I hope this was helpful!
This poem is a certainly rambling piece. Which really works, I think, in this case. I got a feeling that this poem wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, from your diction and syntax. Some spots and rhymes feel a bit strained, but it's okay. A pretty sweet and relatable poem, it made me smile a bit. I really like the seventh stanza. Reminds me a bit of Dr. Suess in how you made up "key lime pie-ing."
Anyway, sorry that I'm kind of bad at reviwing. ^^" I hope this was helpful!
This poem is a certainly rambling piece. Which really works, I think, in this case. I got a feeling that this poem wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, from your diction and syntax. Some spots and rhymes feel a bit strained, but it's okay. A pretty sweet and relatable poem, it made me smile a bit. I really like the seventh stanza. Reminds me a bit of Dr. Suess in how you made up "key lime pie-ing."
Anyway, sorry that I'm kind of bad at reviwing. ^^" I hope this was helpful!