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138,113 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Helli, Halloue Mister Boo! I've come to inflict my very sincere opinion on this poem!
So, to begin with. I like the theme and the way you formed it into this letter-thing... But it is this about the strucutre... that I like it how it is because it's original and gives a certain spark to this piece, but same time the way your lines differ in length and how there are no stanzas it kind of bugs the flow. It's tricky... It's good in one way and bad in another, question is, which is better and which is worse, or is there a way to keep both. I'll leave you to dwell over that and me myself will wander on to the next point on my reviewing list;
"It was ludicrous for you to go at my pace
What hurts the most among all your lies
I still love you more than anyone or thing,
This is my final swing." - This piece lacks proper punctuation, it doesn't flow too well to take all of those first three lines without breath, and then not even getting a dot at the third ^^ Also, I'm feelin like that last line doesn't bring anything to the poem, it's just there to fill the rhyming spot and in any case, I'd like the line to be longer
Eeeh, so what do I have left to say... I like the poem overall because even though the rythm and flow didn't function so well the message was delivered in a good way and yes, a little bit more imagery wouldn't have hurt, but there wasn't an absent of it so that's good. Finally, I'd like to say; NICE JOB, and hope that I helped a bit at least
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hey Boolovesyou. I'm Heather, and I'll be your reviewer today.
Okay, in general, this could use some work with the proper grammar and flow. This is also a relatively cliche topic, meaning it's hard to write a poem about heartbreak and romance, that actually turns out to be a good poem and stands out from all the others like it. To be honest, this poem seems pretty similar to a lot of the others out there, so it doesn't come across as a brilliant poem to me - though it isn't bad.
This is a rather cliche beginning, but it makes me ask the question: What promises did he/she break? How did these broken promises make you "anonymous"? I'd also recommend using more descriptive, less-used, words than ones like "crowded". Just to make it stand out and have a nicer sound.
Wait...what? What does the first line here have to do with any of the others? It's so random, and seems to only be there to rhyme with "place". The second line seems to be leading on to include one of the lies, the one that is apparently the most painful...but instead it bounces off to a new topic again?
The poem itself seems to contradict that line. As in, it seems it's doing exactly that - somebody is putting their hate/unhappiness into a poetry type piece.
I would reword this. Try changing it to "you will ever be to her" or "do with her", etc.
Overall, this is an okay poem. It's pretty confusing, because it seems you have random lines in here that are just there for rhyme-sake. You're rhyming has a strange, irregular beat to it, which I think should probably be improved upon a bit. Good luck, and keep writing. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or want any more reviews.
--Heather
I liked how you put it in letter format, but a couple things. First, your rhyming is irrgeular, so see if you could shape it a little more. Second, I don't think you really expressed your pain to your full potential. Try to put more depth into your poem and really describe what made you so heartbroken with illustration. Imagery would be nice. But I like the direction you're going in.
Sincerely,
Klotrox