For my love,
You press your forehead against mine,
this love, this beauty, this secret valentine
My lips trace the arch of your neck
I see an angel in you, if only a fleck
You let your hand slip down my side
with a lasting wish that I will one day be your bride
Time dances in our shadow
I love you,
Boo <3
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
I liked it a lot! I thought it was cute! But the last line.. doesn't really work. You need more of a story to make an abrupt ending such as this one. But I do get what you mean by the last remark and all. It makes sense but it needs more back up story to go with such a strong ending.
Otherwise I really liked it and thought it was beautiful. It was cute and short. Maybe needed a little more though?
If you need any critiquing or anything just message me!
-Hayley
Definitely reconsider sticking inside of the rhyme. Especially when you're overflowing with love and words for the one you love, you don't want to be stuck choosing only words that rhyme when the perfect word is floating out there somewhere. The word "fleck" for example, I think was only chosen to rhyme. But it's a strong word. For some reason I feel like it belongs in this poem. You have to find where it really belongs.
Also, your focus on the movement is a nice choice. The movements are small and intimate and help us get closer to the sight of the relationship, but there's nothing afterward. Why do we want to see these lovers? Why do we want to hear what this person is saying? What is special about them?
I feel like the answer is hidden in the last line:
What do you mean by that? What does this refer to? Letting us into this will help us connect even more with this poem. Expand it. Make it important not just to you and your boo, but to the other readers as well. We all love to see people in love, but tell us why we should love your love in particular.
Let me know if you have questions.
Hannah
Woulda loved it more if it went on for longer... I like it!!!!
I agree that you should make it longer! This felt so personal and honest, it was like a friend telling me about her experience with love. Beautiful!
Very Good! Sounds really nice with all the musical qualities....It would be awesome if you made it a little longer.
All in all this is very pretty and musical sounding, and you convey emotion very well. Nice work!
- pigeon