I ran down the slippery and ice covered sidewalk looking for my friend Richter's house. It was pretty difficult as almost all the houses looked the same when they were covered with snow. Eventually, I found Richter's house and knocked on the door. After a few minutes, someone opened the door. It was a chubby, black kid with dark black hair. This was Richter's brother Carlton, "Wha..wha...what..d..d..do you want?" He stuttered.
It was a bit weird that he was stuttering as he was decked out in about four jackets, a green and orange spotted hat and even two blue scarves around his neck! He was truly an odd character. "I'm looking for Richter," I replied. Carlton's eyes widened and he stifled a cough. Clearly, he was hiding something. "Come on, Carlton. Tell me what's wrong," I pleaded.
Carlton took a deep breath before looking around, making sure no one was listening, and motioning me to enter the house. I entered the house and started feeling a gust of wind around the entire room. Where was it coming from? I didn't know. Wind couldn't just be coming into a room for no reason. "You see, we're not normal people," Carlton started, "We're-" Carlton was cut off by the sound of rapid feet coming from the hallway.
Carlton let out a cry and took a step back. A figure emerged from the hallway. It was Richter and he had eyes of panic. Richter rushed over Carlton and slapped his hand over his mouth and hissed, "What's wrong with you?" He then pushed him to the ground. Carlton got up and ran to his room. Seconds later, Richter's dad came in. "Oh. Dad, can I buy some food? Richter's dad froze for a moment before replying, "Yes, but be quick! And don't forget to get your brother some food too." Richter nodded and his dad handed him a $20.
He and I then walked outside. The second we got outside, Richter turned to me and said, "Let's go to Snack-Town." I asked, "Snack-Town?" Richter nodded. "It's pretty far away, so we should take the subway." Wait a minute... "Don't you need cards to use the train?" I asked. Richter grinned and pulled out a card from his pocket. "Stole this from my cousin. Anyway, you ready or what?" I was ready-to-go. "I'm ready."
Later, we got to the subway, and we were waiting for our train when something strange happened. At first, everything was silent. But then, I heard smashing noises, followed by people screaming from upstairs. I raced to the stairs and witnessed the creature. It was a weird, red skeleton. It was wearing what appeared to be a wolf pelt cape, and it carried a mace and club in its hand and a jagged sword in the another. The hole where it's nose and eyes were supposed to be was brimming with bright yellow fire. It ran towards us!
The creature looked at me with its burning eyes, grinning, before spewing fire out of its eyes at me. Just when the flames were about to hit me, I felt a huge gust of wind pulling me back. I turned around to see Richter with his hand out at me. I immediately realized what happened "You can control air?!" I stammered. "No time to explain, we gotta run!" Richter said, grabbing my hand and running upstairs. We got out, and I quickly picked myself up, and it was then that I found out where the wind was coming from... it was coming from Richter's hand! I stood there, mouth agape absolutely astounded at what was happening before my eyes.
In fact, I was so astounded, that I completely forgot to move as the monster rammed into me and sent me flying onto the street with a thud... It was then that I heard a voice say: "This should help!" in my head. I was shocked, but my shock for that didn't last long as suddenly, a pale white sword magically appeared in my hand in a flash of light! It felt light as a feather.
"Run!" Richter cried, grabbing my shoulder. The skeleton was still on our tail, hurtling the flail at us every step. Eventually we managed to hide in an alleyway at the last second and the skeleton passed us and kept running... it wasn't very smart. Now that we had escaped the threat, I turned around and confronted Richter, "How come you never told me you had powers before?!" "I didn't want you to get in the way," he replied running out of breath. "Get in the way of what?!" I asked feeling kind of irritated. Richter was quiet for a moment before saying "Well I didn't want you Getting in the way of my duties as a... Wind Warrior, people chosen by the Wind God, Ashu, to protect the earth." My mouth went agape. I couldn't believe it.
My best friend since first grade was hiding that he was a magical warrior. Just then, I heard the sound of rattling bones as the skeleton had returned. The skeleton shot out a single fireball at me from its gaping mouth. The fireball landed, and sent me into the wall. The skeleton menacingly walked towards me and pulled its hands back. Richter jumped in front of me, and held his arms to his sides, then I felt a ball of wind surround us. The skeleton slashed at the ball repeatedly. Richter smirked, "It'll take more than that to stop us!" The skeleton drops its weapons, it leaned back and spewed hot fire from its eyes and mouth. Richter winced, "The shield... is... weakening..." In a rash act, I jumped out of the shield, breaking it and attacked the skeleton, slashing its right arm off.
The skeleton's bones started slowly melting off, as it fell. I pointed my sword at the melting skeleton head, "What are you?" I questioned the skeleton. The skeleton rasped, "I am a new being, made of which has already perished." I was confused, what did that mean? "You will never stop him, he will bring your end." The skeleton said. "You will die, you will die, you will die!!!" The skeleton shrieked, its voice getting louder and louder with each word as the flames in its eyes went wild and started rising out of its skull.
Suddenly the head exploded, blasting me back. I got up, pondering everything that had just happened. Questions were swirling through my head. What did that skeleton mean? How was it even alive? Who or what was that voice in my head? And what does it want with me? "One should best not ask harmless questions." The voice in my head began, except this time it sounded different. More... sinister... "Less would one want to receive the oh, so deadly answers." The new voice then let out an evil, maniacal laugh.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey, Boluk! Since I'm the co-editor of Scott Wood: Lightbringer, I've decided to do a review of this chapter! For anyone wondering, I did not have any control over the story, so reviewing the story is fine. Also, I'm doing this review differently. I've gotten rid of reaction and personal preference because I've already read the story many times.
IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE, TAKE THIS!
YOU GOT [A TABLE OF CONTENTS] TO HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY!
1: The Positives
2: The Negatives
3: {THE NITPICK ZONE}: A collection of little issues that aren't too important
Now on to the review!
Part 1: The Positives
In this chapter, there is more action than a Schwarzenegger film directed by Micheal Bay. That's obvious exaggeration, but there is more action than last time, which I always like because action scenes are cool. Also, I will add that there are many more plot details, and we have a reason for some strange events in the story. Good job, dude!
Part 2: THE NEGATIVES (REMEMBER: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
What I will be discussing is:
-The Randomness of Carlton spilling the beans
-Skeleton Roronoa Zoro Wannabe
-Editing issues
Here we go...
So this part of the story that I would've liked to fix was this foreshadowing of Richter's family not being normal. I don't enjoy this scene because it's so out of nowhere. Why would Carlton cave in randomly? I didn't get it.
How is the skeleton holding two weapons in one hand and one in the other? Not sure if you meant just a mace, but I didn't even catch that! Also, for people other than Boluk reading, that subway fight changed so many times, it needed a dressing room!
For editing issues, I won't make any quotes, but I will say that a glitch denied me from saving and making changes to double spaces and misuse of words (Mods, get on that!).
Part 3: {THE NITPICK ZONE}: A collection of little issues that aren't too important
Nitpicks here:
-Problems with editing during the making of this chapter
-Some word misuse
-A bit of an abrupt ending, but it's fine if you make up for it in the intro to chapter 3.
Well, that was the review. Your Arbitrary Rating is *4 drafts in rooms out of 5!* (4/5)
I hope you invite me to edit your next story, and as always... have a FANTASTICAL DAY!
-FW76
Hi there,
Happy review day!
All these sentences are written in the same structure - short statements. To improve the flow of this, try adding in some longer ones, maybe with more description. You should also start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks.
Speech actually seems to be what you are struggling with here.
The general rules of direct speech are as follows:
Each new character's speech starts on a new line.
Speech is opened with speech marks.
Each line of speech starts with a capital.
The line of speech ends with a comma, exclamation mark or question mark.
A reporting clause is used at the end (said Jane, shouted Paul, replied Mum).
A full stop goes after the reporting clause.
If the direct speech in the sentence is broken up by information about who is speaking, add in a comma or question mark or exclamation mark to end the first piece of speech and a full stop or another comma before the second piece (before the speech marks), for example: "It's lovely," she sighed, "but I can't afford it right now." / "I agree!" said Kate. "Let's go!"
Try to employ these into this chapter, and then feel free to ask me to come back and have another look.
I hope this was helpful to you
Icy
hii,i find your story great. but i think you should focus more to make it look good. overall it is good. the dialogue delivery is good too.the story is also amusing but you should make it more captivating. this is my thoughts please don't mind. i like the story and waiting for an update.