Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure

the child of the sun god.

by Boluk

A young  dark black boy was running away from an older and stronger man in the blistering hot  Egyptian desert. The man picked up the boy by his neck and squeezed hard. "Talomat what are you doing" The boy sputtered. "Do you remember yesterday when I said a god talked to me?" Talomat asked. "Yes but what does this have to do with you killing me?" The boy asked blue in the face. "The god that I talked to was Set the god of the desert. He said I would get magical powers. All I had to do was kill my family. And I'll start with you"  the boy was already knocked unconscious. Before Tamalot could kill the boy a blinding light bathed the area. When the light faded the first thing tamalot saw was a white man with a chariot. The man's very skin  was as shiny as a diamond. Suddenly a being rose out of the ground.  The figure was extremely skinny and wielded what looked like a long metal stick with two prongs at the the end. It's head looked like a jackal, and its eyes were yellow.  "Helios leave you don't belong here!" The being said in a raspy voice. "That is where you are wrong Seth, I do belong here since I am protecting this child that you put in harms way" Helios said in a shaky voice. Seth noticed this  sign of weakness and smiled showing his jagged crusty teeth. Then Seth looked behind Helios and saw his chariot. The chariot seemed to covered in shining orange crystals, the horses that were moving said chariot were wearing golden armor. Although the armor would suggest that the horses were quite strong the horses seemed to be getting weaker and weaker just by their master not riding his chariot. " isn't your chariot a source of your power?" Seth asked  slyly while his hand started to glow. Helios's eyes widened as he realized what was happening. Before Helios could take another step Seth summoned a giant sand hand to pop out of the ground and grab the kid. "Whatcha gonna choose" Seth asked in a childlike tone. "The chariot or the kid?"  Seth said as his hand glowed brighter and the other hand tighten around the kid's ribs. Helios jumped straight through the hand  making it explode into glass. Helios sprinted torward his chariot but was too late as Seth shot out a sand beam that covered the entire chariot before disintegrating it in sand. Helios  did something that Seth never thought he would, He laughed. "Last time we fought and I buried your chariot you didn't laugh so why are you laughing now. "You thought Destroying the sun chariot would weaken me?! Helios guffawed  "I control the sun chariot!!!" Helios boasted as suddenly the chariot reformed and  shot out a fire blast at Seth. The blast was powerful enough to send Seth flying into the sky. Just then a portion of the the sky was covered in darkness. "It'll take more than that to defeat the god of chaos!!! Seth screamed as he tackled Helios with the force of a small nuke. The blow  left Helios lying in a huge hole. Seth picked Helios up and smiled at what he saw. The god was bleeding, granted he was regenerating and only his forehead was bleeding but he was still bleeding non the less. "Looks like you've been out of Greece for too long and your weakening  in my territory" Set said as he shot a sand beam at Helios. Helios  blocked the beam. "Why do you want us to fight?" Helios said angrily as he charged up a fire ball. Seth summoned two black glowing swords. mine. Seth said before trapping  the boy in sand and making Tamalot part sand and part human. "You have a whole three days before The kid is killed" Seth said. Weakened, Helios got into his chariot  and searched Greece for a hero. First he asked Heracles(Hercules) if he wanted to fight, but Heracles said no as  was chasing a boar. Helios replied by making him blind for a whole hour Then Helios went to Achilles, the warrior who was  nearly invincible. "Would you like to enter a fighting tournament?" Helios asked. "Yeah I do need to blow off some steam after farming for hours. " Hey babe I'll let you go and enter this fight if you tell me your weakness" Briesis, Achilles's wife said.  said seductively. "What is it with you and my weakness?" Achilles said annoyed. "What is it with you and leaving for work and getting me pregnant?" Briesis  said. "What, your pregnant!" Achilles said as his eyes widened. "You didn't even know that I was pregnant all this time with our young girl!?" Briesis said furiously. Her left eye started twitching  "I thought  you were uh....gaining weight" Achilles slowly said while scratching his head. "What!" Briesis shouted. Briesis threw a plate at Achilles. The plate bounced off of Achilles skin and hit her in the eye. Briesis clutched her bruised eye before running out of the room. "I'm going to tell people you did this to me" Briesis cried. "Baby wait!" Achilles called after her. "that girl is going to kill him one day" Helios  thought. Helios walked over to a wall of the house and walked right through it leaving a scorching hot  human sized hole.  Helios got on his chariot and searched for more heroes. after a while he came across  deeply  sighed after flying to  an inn. "What's the problem sir" the female bartender said in a fake helpful voice. She looked about 25 but she already had a few grey hairs. probably from depression or  stress. "Nothing I was just trying to recruit some uh.....warriors  for a battle" Helios replied, not wanting to tell the mortal that he was a god doing godly affairs.  The bartender's  eyes drooped and she lightly first before she broke down into a hysterical sobbing mess. 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
84 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 84

Tue Sep 26, 2017 8:06 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Ok. Let's just say you've got a long way to go. However, nitpicks first:

"1969, it was truly..."
The comma should've been a period. It'd work better.

"... 2 story house..."
It should be 'two-storey house'.

"Looks like we should take these back to the base huh"
Complete lack of punctuation and should be on a separate line, especially if it's a new speaker. The same applies for most other pieces of speech in this story.

"... decided to rest on a rocky hill to call for help."
How is resting on a rocky hill going to summon any kind of back-up?

"... tunnelweb spider..."
From my research using the most beautiful invention of Google, I deduce it should be spelt "Tunnel-web". Although, I might be wrong because I personally have no interest in spiders, nor the spelling of their names.

"The members were surprised to see the man sized spider, they are even more scared to see that the beast is still growing. "
Sudden tense switch. It happens frequently for writers in general, but make sure you notice it when editing.

" avalanche!!!"
Firstly, an ellipsis is three periods. You should only really use two exclamation marks at most if you are really trying to emphasise emotion. Here, it just looks unprofessional and childish.

"Young biologists Belle Sandry..."
Wait wait wait, Belle Sandry is two people?

"... suddenly military soldiers stormed her house."
Why would they storm it? She's not guilty for creating the spider, is she? If anything, they would send a few men as messengers and they would be in a hurry, but wouldn't be "storming her house".

"Good god what do you want!!??"
First of all, 'god' is a proper noun, meaning it gets a capital letter. Also, go take a look at my point about overuse of exclamation marks. Additionally, I never really know who's talking because 1, the dialogue tags are placed almost randomly and 2, you don't start a new line when there's a new speaker.

"We want you to guide us on what insect is most capable of dealing with spiders"
Seriously? The American army is the strongest in the world. They have possibly more nuclear weapons than any other country in the world and many other powerful weapons we probably don't know about. Yet despite all that, they go and decide that they have create another monster, which is an extremely dumb idea anyway because they've got no guarantee that it won't try to go destroy more stuff!
Also why would they assume that she studies insects? Biologists study other things too, you know.

"... it threw boulders at a bunch of houses and small buildings all day..."
Now this is just taking it a bit too far, don't you think? By measure of their intelligence, a spider would probably not resort to doing it once, let alone all day!

"5 hours later Belle arrived at Area 51."
5 hours! Why would they bother going that far just for a biologist? There must've been one nearer than that, or even on the spot in Area 51!

"Belle decided to inject the mantis to make it grow faster."
How did she know it'll make the mantis grow faster?

"...evenly sized..."
There should be a hyphen, since 'evenly-sized' is two words joined to make one.

"The spider used all of its legs to kick the spider with all it had."
Where did the second spider come from?

"Two legs impaled the mantis..."
I am 99% sure that a spider couldn't do that even if it was in normal size. It's physically impossible since its legs are made to walk and sense things through touch, so they would be too soft to impale a mantis' exoskeleton.

"Just then a random green fireball shot the mantis."
No. Just no. I know the genre is science-fiction, but you've got to realise that there is some kind of element of logic in every genre. I just don't even know what to call it other than a terrible example of things happening for plot convenience.

"... the mantises exoskeleton..."
It should be " mantis' ".

"The mantis clawed the creature into the sky."
How does that work?

"... impaled the spider. Fire erupted from the claw..."
Ok, how is the spider unable to harm the mantis in any way when it's so close to the mantis' face? Even adding that the spider struggled to get away would improve this quote's credibility.

"... her own pet mantis fly away in a literal blaze of glory"
How is it her pet? She never labelled it as such before and if it was her pet, she clearly didn't love it very much; otherwise she would've put up a fight and tried choosing a different insect. Besides, how is the mantis suddenly so calm and not trying to kill people like the spider? We were never given the impression that the mantis is used to humans. Also the word "literal" just killed the sentence. Very childish and unprofessional unless this story was written in first person.
Additionally, don't you think "molten mantis" is a bit basic for a name for a new being? It shouldn't be a name made on the spot. Scientists spend quite a while choosing an appropriate name.

Now, general comments:

You spend the entire story telling the reader what's going on. Don't tell them, show them! Like Kyllorac said below, expand on what is happening in the story. You also missed out quite a few places where you could've put commas to make the flow better. Also, what do you mean by "present day"? That could be any time in the future or the past. Generally speaking, this is more of, like Kyllorac said, a plot summary rather than a short story. You just state what's going on and the reader loses all interest in reading on after the first few paragraph. Next time, go into detail. Explain what the spider and the mantis look like. Go in depth about the human characters' personalities and their surroundings. Not everyone's seen a hooded mantis or a tunnel-web spider and not everyone's been in Nevada. While we're on that subject, where in Nevada is this set? Nevada's a big place.

On a more positive note, I think this story has a great potential and you could make it amazing if you wanted to and if you put your mind to it. You don't need a huge range of vocabulary or tons of action - although both are pretty useful in reasonable doses - to create a good story.

Overall, an interesting story with huge potential, but you're creating more of a summary than a story.
I hope my review helped and I apologise deeply if I offended you in any way.

User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Tue Sep 26, 2017 5:31 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

So, first things first, for how many things that happened in this story, it was very short. So short, in fact, that what you have here is more of a plot outline than a story proper.

It's an simple enough thing to fix: you just need to expand on the scenes you have. Adding in more descriptions to set the scene, spending a bit more time on the characters (even if they do get killed soon after), and showing character interactions with each other and the environment would all fill out the plot to something more substantial.

If you've learned about the Five W's and One H, they're great to apply here, and it's a good idea to ask yourself as you're reading through your writing "Who is doing what? Where are they doing it? Why are they doing it? And how are they doing it?"

You don't have to answer all the questions at once or even all the time, but making sure that most of the questions can be answered by reading the story makes for a stronger story that's easier to follow.

As it stands, you have a number of events that left me wondering where they came from or why they were happening, such as the military storming a bio teacher's house instead of just knocking on her door and more politely asking for help, and where did the green fireball even come from, and why did the spider wait so long before attacking?

In general though, stories follow a cause and effect, so being able to figure out the causes when we see the effects, or figure out the effects when we see the causes, or getting to see both in order makes for a story that's easier to follow and makes more sense, even if it is about monster bugs battling each other.

I would recommend giving this story another go in the form of a rewrite where you try to apply the things I've mentioned here, and then compare it to this current version. I think you might be pleasantly surprised by the result!

User avatar
37 Reviews

Points: 1767
Reviews: 37

Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:07 am
Boluk says...

Feel free to ask for a sequel....or not.....And for all one of you wondering this is based on giant monsters which I love

trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings