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12+

The good, the bad, and the clone

by Boluk


As we entered the portal we were falling and falling and I watched as one by one as my classmates horrifically disintegrated into thin air until only I remained. So say I was horrified at seeing my friends die would be an understatement. I was nearly sobbing. My cries were cut out as Eventually with a loud thud I hit something and since it was dark I couldn't see what it was. But it felt kind of hollow and it was wide. It must've been a bridge or something. Looking off way and far into the distance I could just barely make out a glowing blue light. 

And where there is light there is hope so with nothing else to do, I walked towards the light. Finally, after what felt like hours, I managed to reach the light and I realized it wasn't really a light at all but a ball of lightning. The lightning illuminated the ground and allowed. Me to see that the floor was bamboo which struck me as rather odd.The ball glowed and crackled with extreme power. I felt like just lightly tapping it would incinerate me instantly. The ball seemed to be chained by a bunch of metal chains covering it. And right in the middle where all the chains met was a keyhole.

I don't know why but I felt like I needed to find a key I felt like I needed to free the lightning. Suddenly a hand touched me from behind. I turned around and saw me! Well it was more like a copy of me, but he was quite drastically different. For starters he had dark black eyes, and he was wearing knight armor that covered his entire body except for his head.

He had a key necklace which obviously was the key I needed to unlock the lightning which for some reason I felt attracted to. My clone looked at me looking at his necklace and immediately punched me in face! I stumbled and fell back. Clone Mark smiled and kicked me in the ribs. I grabbed his necklace and pulled him into me with all my might. Clone Mark tried to punch me again but I blocked his attack and pushed him away. I took the necklace from him and ran to the lightning. I put the key in the keyhole but before I could turn it, A giant, wet tongue wrapped around me from behind and lifted me into the air. 

I let Out a scream and tried freeing myself but it was no use. I looked at where the tongue was coming from and to no suprise it was Clone Mark who now had rows and rows of pointy sharp teeth. I put my hands together and using all my strength slammed them into the tongue making a gross wet sound. Clone Mark staggered back and slammed me into the ground three times before releasing me. Pain soared all throughout my body, and as I looked at the bamboo floor I had an idea. Clone Mark punched me in the face "Hey!", I shouted at my copy. "that the best you got?"  My clone looked at me with a dm sneered, showing his jagged and sharp teeth. Clone Luke's tongue launched out at me but  it was just a hare's breath too slow and I was able to move out of the way as the tongue broke tali’s through the bamboo floor and got stuck in the bamboo. His  eyes darted around frantically looking for a way to set himself free.

With my clone distracted, I walked over to the ball of lightning. I grabbed the key and turned it. Suddenly, to my shock and suprise, The ball latched itself onto my body and started inserting itself into my skin. The second the lightning touched me Lightning came from every direction. Clone Mark looked at me with fear in his eyes before beams of lightning struck him from every single angle until eventually he exploded! My eyes became clouded with lightning and I couldn't see anything but lightning. Pure, crackling, and deadly lightning. I was completely inveloped by lighting until eventually...I woke up.


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User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 140
Reviews: 6

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Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:02 pm
mthanmark263 says...



wow that was an amazing story I really loved it like it was something different I have just fallen in love with your stories because it is interesting and fun to read like it during the story it makes you wanna know what is gonna next . I am girl of few words so I will get straight to the point you are really talented continue writing . what I can say based on this story is you are a creative like wow like you're ending was like those series that leave you wanting to know what is gonna happen like today I dedicated this whole day to just reading and so far this is one of my favorite story


if you don't mind me asking where did you get your inspiration from




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 140
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:02 pm
mthanmark263 wrote a review...



wow that was an amazing story I really loved it like it was something different I have just fallen in love with your stories because it is interesting and fun to read like it during the story it makes you wanna know what is gonna next . I am girl of few words so I will get straight to the point you are really talented continue writing . what I can say based on this story is you are a creative like wow like you're ending was like those series that leave you wanting to know what is gonna happen like today I dedicated this whole day to just reading and so far this is one of my favorite story


if you don't mind me asking where did you get your inspiration from




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28 Reviews


Points: 2667
Reviews: 28

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Sat Aug 10, 2019 4:55 pm
Asith wrote a review...



Hello - loved your title! Gonna do a short review to just note a few potential improvements.

Your second paragraph is a very strange place to begin a paragraph. It's a continued idea - the sight of the light - so there's no need to split it up. I would suggest merging the paragraphs, or simply beginning it elsewhere.

I question the necessity of talking about your classmates at the beginning. They do not reappear in the story, which even ends up being a dream by the end, so seem quite pointless. Speaking of the ending, it's always a bit of a weak trick of young writers to end their stories with the main character waking up, rendering the entire story false. It's generally overused, especially in such an undeveloped way. Maybe it would be better to simply end the story earlier than attempt to wrap reality around it at the very end.

I like your attention to sound. It's always immersive for the reader to understand what senses are being experienced, other than sight. Your action sequences are also interesting to read, which can be tough to accomplish, so good job.

It's a fun story, and it seems like you had fun writing it, but it wouldn't hurt to proofread it and fix those annoying spelling mistakes :)





Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp