Arriving at the mysterious shack, Mary sue found that there was an item laying on the table in the shack. Around the shack was a mysterious circle drawn in intestines.
"Be careful" said Gabriel who as usuall, was cowardly squatting behind Mary sue. (notes: cause lol, Gabriel is such a tool). Mary sue carefully maneuvered into the shack and on her tiptoes and scuttled forward. The floorboards beneath her feet croaked and Mary sue could hear a loud hummer coming from the table. There the God Sword laid. Right there for her taking.
But Mary sue was clever. Mary sue knew it was a trap!
So Mary sue said to Gabriel, "Why don't you take it, it looks safe."
And Gabriel was like "Oh, well, if you're sure, I will do it for you my master"
Mary sue slowly paced backwards and let him to do the taking. Mary sue knew that if it was a trap, Gabriel would be triggering it. And then Lucifer would get him, but not her. Mary sue knew Gabriel wouldn't mind sacrificing himself for her. He always said that.
But fortunately when Gabriel grabbed the God Sword, nothing happened. Except they were suddenly attacked by space ninjas! The ninjas seemed to be wearing what could only be described as metal leather. The ninjas each had a single eye and
They hoped into the shack and fired lasers at them, but they managed the dodge them quite well (by hiding behind each other).
They defeated them quite quickly, they were no match for them. they smashed their heads in and ripped their clothes off and stabbed them until they stopped moving Hero's blade was serenaded, so it ripped their stomachs open and blood and guts flew everywhere. Then when everything was dead, Mary sue licked off the blade .
But now with the God Sword in their hands, they could take Lucifer straight on!
--
--
And then, suddenly Lucifer stood behind them. He held an old book in his hand and the God Sword in the other.
"I see you finally found me, although it will not do you any good. You see, the God Sword is the last component I need in the spell of Demonic conjuring.
At last I will be one with who I admire most, I will have the true power - from the one that has lead me all these years. My one true ally...
Satan: the Devil incarnated!"
Everyone gasped in horror as they were shocked.
"Behold, prepare to knell before me, as the world soon will!"
With that he spoke the evil words, and the ground shock and cracked, and the skys opened, and lava flowed over his body and then she was Satan!!
Suddenly, Gabriel (who was playing dead) lunged at Satan, grabbing the God Sword off him
With the spell broken, this gave Mary sue time to attack Satan while Gabriel fought Lucifer atop a cliff. Mary Sue charged Satan with the God sword. But satan conjured a Flaming axe just in time and blocked the attack. Meanwhile, Lucifer was was hurling lightning bolt after lightning bolt at Gabriel who dodged every time but was starting to tire out. Lucifer teleported behind Gabriel and lightly tapped him on the shoulder causing Gabriel to be sent flying.
As Gabriel fell to the ground lucifer charged up another lightning bolt. Lucifer zapped Gabriel right in the spine, angelic white blood splashed the ground as Gabriel screamed in pain. Lucifer's eyes glowed black as he inserted his hand into Gabriel's wound a black like substance shooting out of his hand and into Gabriel's Bloodstream. Meanwhile Satan grabbed Mary Sue and began slamming her onto the ground. Mary Sue kicked and flailed trying to escape Satan's grasp but it was no use. Satan threw Mary Sue into the sky before . Satan shot the flaming arow at Mary Sue.
Mary Sue sliced the Aroww in half, each part exploded behind her awesomely. Satan frowned and shot out a single fire ball at Mary. Mary Sue watched in horror as the single fireball transformed into thousands of human shaped fire people. As the fire people started attacking Mary Sue and burning her flesh off. Just when Mary Sue was about to die she saw her friend Gabriel dying. And she was so angry that she released her strongest attack. What is her strongest attack you ask? Well to put it simply it's A MEGA ,ULTIMATE, RAINBOW, HYPER BEAM OF DEATH!!! The rainbow beam shot out of her eyes and instantly made the fire People blow up in an awesome explosion. Satan could only scream as the rainbow literally hit him in the chest with the force of a thousand suns! Satan was carried off into the sky before being blown up in a rainbow colored explosion. At last the war was won...or was it? Lucifer persuaded the now demonic Gabriel to charge Mary Sue. Mary Sue immediately bitch slapped Gabriel who then fell down....like a bitch. Gabriel turned back to normal and then the mountain started falling apart. Mary Sue impaled Lucifer to the ground with her god sword before flying off the mountain with her flying powers that were never mentioned before and will never be mentioned afterwards.
Later, Lucifer and Mary sue were alone again.
"Its Later" said Mary sue, pulling Lucifer towards the bathroom.
"But what about the others?"
"I'll just tell them you are helping me shower. They wont suspect a thing"
"Well...wh-what do we do now?" Lucifer said, desperately trying to sound suave.
"It. We do it."
"it?"
"yes. it"
"we do it?"
"yes"
"oh"
...and with that Mary sue jumped on Lucifer. And they cuddled and hugged a lot.
"I love you Mary sue"
"I love you too Lucifer....lets get married"
And they did!
Lucifer looked especially radiant in a dress. Later, after their honeymoon they continued their adventure (with none of their friends any the wiser).....
---
"Our work here is done"
With that, they all went home, safe in the knowledge that Satan was gone and GOD was protecting them all along.
The End
author's note: originally the main character's name was madaline Bongarez but after I realized how much of a special snowflake she was I changed the name. Also this I made this for a school project in Microsoft Word and you wanna know the worst part, I got a c minus. Let that sink in. Seriously I have no Idea what the teachers were thinking.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
wowdulz, at first i thought it was more back-then, but then your ninjas came and im like , wow! and what? at the same time.
any way, lets C about that c- of yours.
at the beginning you say that "there was an iteam lying on the table." , and that "Around the shack was a mysterious circle drawn in intestines. " It would help if you would be abit more specific about where they are. IN the shack or Out of the shack.
Gabriel who as usual, ... -> Gabriel who, as usual, ...
Mary sue carefully maneuvered into the shack and on her tiptoes and scuttled forward.
Sometimes its better to make a sentence simple and short, so...
Mary sue carefully tiptoed into the shack. (you've already explained that they're moving so there's no need to say thet she "scuttled forward." maybe explain where she's going?)
Be careful of too many spaces, I noticed alot in there...
"...could hear a loud hummer..." -> "... could hear a loud humming..."
again, be simple. "Mary sue TOLD..."
"...until they stopped moving Hero's blade was serenaded, so it ripped their stomachs open and blood and guts flew everywhere."
Maybe you meant to write gods sword? Also maybe you would want to explain to your readers who or what " it " is? Oh, and be careful of grammar.
Could you also explain to us how Lucifer got the sword.
"Everyone gasped in horror as they were shocked." -> "Everyone gasped in horror."
"gasping" in "horror" already explains that they are shocked. You dont realy even need the "...in horror."
"...and then she was Satan!!"
you wrote that she became Satan but then later in your writing it says that they're both there.
Btw you should seriously put a higher rating on here. Like. Seriously.
Okay, to stat with "A MEGA ,ULTIMATE, RAINBOW, HYPER BEAM OF DEATH!!!" is a pretty funny parody of over the top special attacks. It made me chuckle a little bit and I like how you called the main character Mary sue; it helps add to the humorous, parody filled tone, it looked like you were going for. Ok on to what I think you can improve on.
On the sentence "Mary sue found that there was an item laying on the table in the shack." I think you should get rid of "in the shack" because you already established the location before and it is good idea to not repeat the same word more than once when they are so close to each other so there is no reason to repeat yourself. Try using the word inside or in the (insert room of shack) instead. Also try to replace the word "shack" with building or something like it in the next sentence too for the same reasons i said before.
In the second paragraph I am a little confused when you mention the characters going into the shack but you already mentioned Marry Sue noticing an object in the shack a little before so maybe move these sentences around or add a sentence about Marry Sue looking into the window.
"Mary sue carefully maneuvered into the shack and on her tiptoes and scuttled forward." Maybe you should get rid of and. I just think it makes the sentence a little clunky but that may just be me. You can also try to also get rid of the and in front of "scuttled" as well and make it scuttling. That can also sound good but it is up to you.
On this sentence "And Gabriel was like "Oh, well, if you're sure, I will do it for you my master" add a comma after you. Because he is directly addressing the person he is talking to it needs a comma to show.
"They defeated them quite quickly, they were no match for them. they smashed their heads in and ripped their clothes off and stabbed them until they stopped moving Hero's blade was serenaded, so it ripped their stomachs open and blood and guts flew everywhere." On this part I am having trouble knowing what is going on because i have no idea which pronouns are referring to what.
This is just a few problems, I spotted there are a bunch of grammar and capitalization errors in here as well. Most with he main character's name. but I do think their is a pretty funny parody in here, it just still needs some work. I think you should still play around with this story because I think you can get something really good. Have a great day and you do not need to follow anything in this review if you don't want to. Do what you think is best for your story. Thanks.
Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get the nitpicky things out of the way, shall we? My changes will be in strikethroughs and in bold.
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You give the reader little context about what's going on. Sometimes, jumping in right into the story is a good thing, but not when you provide thorough explanations later in the story.
Be sure to capitalize the "Sue" in Mary Sue. It's part of her name - A proper noun. And what's the God Sword?
You don't have to repeat Mary Sue's name that often.
Wasn't she just going to take the God Sword?
The same mistakes are relevant throughout the story - Capitalization, weak language (ie. like), and little explanation of events. You introduce characters and objects without the reader having any clue what they are, and you include long streams of dialogue without any "text" in between. One way to fix this is just practice - I can tell that you haven't been writing for very long. That only takes time and effort.
Work on your writing more. Write more. Read more. That's all from me.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.)