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Agent lightning Operation TreeBeast Prologue-Chapter 1

by Boluk

Prologue: Hello. If you are reading this then you should know our world is not at all what you believed it to be. Magic is real. And magical being are integrating themselves into our society. Your neighbor down the street could be a hagraven, that angry dog that attacks you everyday could be a Cerberus, you could never truly know the secrets that the world hides. I know it kinda sounds like I'm saying all the magical creatures in the world are evil and bad but that simply isn't true. Yes there are many evil magical beings in the world but there are also many good magical beings in the world also. I should know, I'm one of them. My name is Luke Sared. And it’s time  to tell you my story...

Chapter 1 Bag of sprinkles: It all began on January 13, 2009 I woke with an uncertain look. A look between happiness and Sadness. Happiness because Today was my 11th birthday and my mom said that she would give me a present and said that my present will change my life forever a couple months back. I felt sadness because I just remembered I had to take an important test today and I forgot to study. I woke up and lazily stepped out of bed with a yawn. 

I ruffled my pitch black hair and walked inside of the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked at my reflection and groaned. I was wearing an orange shirt with red stripes. My hair was covered with sprinkles. At first I was confused, but then I remembered. Yesterday was my sister Clara's birthday party. Since we were born just a single day apart my parents would use half of the cake as my sister's and the other half as mine.  I know what you’re thinking. How can kids be born one day apart? Honeslty, I don’t really know. But that’s what my mom and dad say, so I take it as the truth.  Unfortunately, my dad would always cut it wrong and Clara would get the smaller peice every time, and it always infuriated her. she probably took my bag of sprinkles and dumped them in my hair over night. 

I put my head in front of the fountain and turned my head so that the water would touch my hair and not my face. I began to count the sprinkles as they fell out and washed down the drain. (I lost count around 39 but there were probably way more) I turned the faucet off and reached for my toothbrush but my hands must've still been wet because it fell right in the toilet. I was about to grab it but I couldn't help but feel like something bad would happen.

I have a really big fear of water. It's not even the fear of drowning although that definitely helps it was just...water looks freaky to me for some reason. I looked in the cabinet and pulled out a nail clipper. I reached inside the toilet and began to pull out the toothbrush. Just when it was almost out I heard the pattering sound of rapid feet followed by the door swerving open revealing my mom in her pink dress covered in white polka dots. Her hair seemed frizzled and if looks could kill I'd be dead five times over from the glare she gave me. 

 The instant  she arrived I forgot what I was doing and I tripped over my own feet and hit my head on the handle and with a loud noise the toilet flushed, sending both my toothbrush and dad's nail clipper down the toilet. My mom let out a long sigh before softly saying: "You overslept. School starts in 5 minutes" My eyes widened. I was not having a very good morning.

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800 Reviews

Points: 32612
Reviews: 800

Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:06 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...

Hey Boluk,

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! My style tends to be to make comments as I'm reading about anything that stands out to me, and then give a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

I looked in the cabinet and pulled out a nail clipper. I reached inside the toilet and began to pull out the toothbrush.

You're pulling out the toothbrush with nail clippers? That seems... odd, to say the least. What nail clippers even open wide enough to fit around a tooth brush?

~ ~ ~

Okay! So turns out I have more general comments for this than specific critiques.

1) I think your prologue worked fairly well for the type of story that this is. I am, in general, vehemently opposed to prologues. I think you could probably get away with not having one -- but for what it is, I think it's pretty decent.

2) Focus

I think improving the focus of your chapter is a tangible way that you can improve this. The prologue focused things pretty well -- but in chapter one you have the main character waking up, and then describing himself, and then talking about his sister and their birthdays and all that. And then you have him dropping his toothbrush and it's... well it's kind of a lot, and I'm really not sure what we're supposed to gain from it?

First chapters are really important. It's the first thing (generally -- I know you've got a prologue but still) that your reader is going to judge your story on -- and you really need it to be an engaging chapter that raises questions makes us want to read on to figure out what happens next and find the answers to those questions.

But at the end of this one I still am not quite sure who this kid is or why I'm supposed to care about him. I mean sure it sucks that he's having a bad morning and all -- but who is he? Why should I care about his bad morning? Why should I keep reading to see what happens to him? So far I don't really have a solid idea of where your plot is heading and haven't yet been "hooked" to want to keep reading onward.

3) Having your protagonist describe themselves, especially in a mirror, is a bit of a tired trope. It's a lot harder to describe the physical attributes well when you're writing in a first-person perspective, but maybe trying to find ways to work that in more gradually like "my sister had the same black hair that I did" etc. etc. stuff like that, you know? A bit more of an indirect approach rather than the Good 'Ol Mirror trick.

~ ~ ~

I think that's all I've got for you on this one, though! I hope it wasn't too harsh! I think you've got an interesting premise and the prologue definitely makes it seem interesting. Good luck progressing!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:25 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi Shikora here with a review.

I really like how you begin this story, it was nice having the short intro in the beginning. It let me get interested in a very interesting way. And it let me get a feeling of what the story would be like. So keep doing what your doing.

I don't really know anything about the plot yet, bet I can tell this story is going to take me on a wiled ride of fun and maybe some epic fights. Who knows? I'm really existed to to see how this story will go.

Now I did see that you didn't really describe the characters very much in the chapter, but maybe you will tell us a bit more later on in the story. Just keep in mind it is very impotent to tell is what the characters look like even if you think it doesn't matter. But I'm used to writing in third person, so it maybe a bit different.
I like it that you described the surroundings really well, it made me feel like I was there in the room watching everything happen before me. For the future chapters I want to tell you something you should keep in mind, sound, sight, feel and smell. These things will make your chapter a lot better. But i think you did really well with this one.

Now there was one or two things I saw that I would like to point out, but they are miner things.

A look between happiness and Sadness

Sadness doesn't need a capital.

Happiness because Today was my 11th birthday and my mom said that she would give me a present and said that my present will change my life forever a couple months back.

Today doesn't need a capital, and a comma needs to be between birthday and, and.

Well that was all I could see wrong with the chapter. I'm not really going to go into spelling and grammar because I'm not the best at that stuff. Anyway I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.
And if you tag people when you post another chapter, I would love to be tagged.

Your friend
Shikora. :D

"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi