Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.
Never scream as his horse goes by
for you may be the next to die
He'll wrap you up in blood red sheets
from your head to your feet
Then he'll shove you in a rusty metal box
and cover you in dirt and rocks
all goes well for about a week
until your coffin begins to leak.
The flames crawl in
The flames crawl out
The flames begin to enter your snout
they scorch your eyes
they blow up your nose
they even eat the jelly between your toes!
Then a blood red flame with pitch black eyes
Burrows into your stomach and scorches your sides
Your weird looking face turns a slimy green
As your eyes begin to bleed.
Your burning stomach then glows bright red
You claw out some blood and slap it on your bread.
And that is what you eat when your dead.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
This is Weirdo, here with a review for review day. The usual stuff-
Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your work. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. You also might want to completely ignore this, after all, it's just the opinion of a random person in the middle of somewhere. Sorry if I miss read something or misunderstood something and pointed it in the review. I didn't have the time to go through the previous reviews, so sorry if I repeat something already said.
That being said, let's get into this review.
I like the humorous theme your poem has.
These are the critiques I have-
One thing I'd like to point out is that in the starting of the poem you maintained an aa bb rhyme scheme, here, not a particular scheme was maintained, and towards the end, it was an aaa rhyme scheme. Even though I agree that poetry needn't follow a strict rhyme scheme, here, I felt that this disturbed the flow that was otherwise well-maintained. You might want to look into that.
Also,
I don't think the repetition of eyes is a good one as it sounded odd, but it's up to you if you want to change it.
here, the word 'weird' sounded odd and out of place. It just made the part awkward, and I guess removing 'looking face' would sound better.
Overall, a nice poem. Hope this helps,
Weirdo out
Oh wow xD thats an awesome poem. First off, i like the style, kind of humorous whilst containing a more sinister actuality, however i do have one thing, the legendary headless horseman. I believe his killing style was based off of a quicker death, in most stories being related to swords and decapitation. However, ill give it that you didnt say the "headless horseman", and your exact words are the "horseman" so i am not sure if it is to this story that you refer to. All in all, great job, expect some more from you! :3
Firstly thank you, secondly the horseman is supposed to be the 4th horseman of the apocalypse who controls death. I chose that mostly because the poem that I based my story off of was mostly a story of rotting and decomposition
Ah, i thought as much. Well, awesome poem %uD83D%uDC4D
Thanks mate. I hope you have a great time here
Same to you :3