tip-toeing
at midnight in the
darkness, the child stepped on every
creaking floorboard,
opened every rust door hinge,
bumped into every scraping chair.
he was sure thundering God Almighty
with all his lightnings and hurricanes
could not possibly be as loud as--
wait! quiet! hold
your breath.
it was nothing.
still, he thought,
try not to breathe more than necessary.
the tick-tocking clock on the wall tick-
tocked his precious few seconds
until they disappeared.
the drawer
seemed so
far
away...
tip-tip-tip-toe. toe-toe-tip.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech
pulling the drawer open, he
made a grab for it. Felt the familiar shape under his hand. the action
shouted throughout the halls, telling
mommy and daddy there lurked a thief
in the house.
he waiting in anticipation, butterflies flittering and glittering and
pulling at his stomach...
noth-
ing.
he tip-tip-toed back into his bedroom,
his golden trophy lodged in his mouth.
heart beat slowed,
blankies bulled up to chin:
Child and Pacifier were reunited once again.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
ok, before I start analyzing your poem let me just say...I think it is good and I like the ending.
This is very been-done-before, you know?
It creates a good atmosphere but midnight, in the darkness, tip-toeing, creak and bump don't always work well together in the same paragraph. Everyone writes that when they start a poem. It's one of the bad poem beginnings that people tell you not to use.
I like the way you capitalized God Almighty because a lot of people forget and yes, it is a name so that means it should have capitals. Well done.
This line seems a bit dodgy: "lightnings and hurricanes could not possibly be as loud as--"
Isn't lightning the silent one? Thunder is the loud part of a storm, not the lightning. I have never experienced a hurricane but I'm guessing they are loud. Lightning is a flash and so maybe you should change it to: "thunder and hurricanes could not possibly be as loud as--"
This is something I can imagine a child thinking. You know, don't breathe or someone will hear. This poem has a very innocent childlike feel and it adds to the charm of the poem.
I like the use of onomatopoeia. It adds to the childish feel of the whole thing. Kids use words like that to describe how they are feeling and I think this works well here though maybe you could have used a few less "e's" in screech. But, you know, that's just my opinion...
I like "the familiar shape under his hand" because it shows that the object is something so familiar to him, so special that he knows the shape in the dark and he doesn't need his eyes to tell him that this is the thing he has been seeking.
This part doesn't make sense. Should it be "he waited in anticipation" instead of "he waiting in anticipation"?
I, personally like the way people say there are butterflies in their stomach but yes, it had been done before and maybe you could have thought of something more original like...it felt as if a seal were turning somersaults in his stomach...
I don't know, something like that.
I can actually put myself in this kid's body. Feel my heart slowing and my breathing returning to normal and that pacifier, oh, that pacifier is lodged in my mouth and feeling like the best thing in the world. I was a thumb sucker when I was younger and man, if someone had taken it away from me I would have died...I guess my parents couldn't really chop it off though
Anyway, I love the trophy line too because this pacifier, it is the greatest prize of all to him. I love the ending, I really do.
My conclusion...this poem is really good, just a little too cliche.
With a few adjustments it could be brilliant
May x
Hi BigBadBear,
This is about as boring as eating potato pearls all day. Stepped, opened, bumped. I believe that you are going for a sort of child-like innocence here, a wondrous playground that the kitchen posits itself as to the eyes of the newcomer on this planet. In that case, why not word your statements to match that? You make them so bland and hollow that it seems more suited to a poem about the aftermath of a devastating battle rather than the tepid wanderings of a child. Put some spark into this; enunciate characteristics that might interest the child, like the color or metaphors to playthings.
Even if the child is supposed to be feeling fear and not adventure, then show that by thinking of what a child might fear most in the dark. Wouldn't he see things in the shadows, enemies, creatures?
Is there a reason you didn't capitalize "he" in the second line? Perhaps you were trying to get the point across that a kid's innocence is as divine as God or something, so you left both versions of "he" not capitalized. If it's just a mistake...fix it.
Weird fluctuations of energy here. Holding breath is a passive movement, to me at least, while the exclamations around the first line suggest a type of electrical pause. Sort of like someone who has been shocked and does not know quite what to do next. If that's true, find a substitute for "hold you breath". Suck in your breath, maybe? I don't know. Something.
I have nothing to say here except the repetition of the onomatopoeia is a little over-done, even for a poem about a small child. It's cute the first time but the screeching thing is unnecessary and only conveys to this reader that you have no other way to tell what just happened.
No, please no. Burn this part and find a metaphor that hasn't been done thousands of times before. Butterflies, really?
Cool. Also, nice use of rhyme at the end. The only qualm I have about this, and the last half of the poem really, is that there's basically no imagery and description of...anything beyond the child and his barest feelings. Where are the drawers? Where is the lightning? Include that, because otherwise the mood of the poem is just dropped off the edge of a cliff rather than placed there gently.
So in conclusion,
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Awwwwww! So CUTE!