Life is like a cloud,
it comes and it goes.
Like a cotton or wool puff,
When through the wind it flows.
Life is like a rainstorm,
Thundering throughout it self.
But also when it clears up,
You will discover it's wealth.
Hm... do you guys like it? There is more, but I left it at school.. lol.. later, (Tuesday) I will post the rest. I didn't have time to write it all because it was either do this, or be tardy.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Sorry guys. I keep forgetting to post more. I will for sure post more on Monday, because it is in my history book. (sad)
Anyway, PM me constantly to remind me to bring it! Please! I know I'll forget! The rest is really cool.
Anyway, thanks for your helpful suggestions!
BBB
nice poem. i would like to see the rest of it though. you used good imagery and lot's of analogies but what, exactly, do you mean when you say that life is "like a cotton or wool puff"? (just out of curiosity, i mean, how is life like a puff?) also pertaining to that line, i might change it to EITHER
"like a cotton puff"
OR
"like a wool puff"
it's weird to have both. it screws up the meter and makes the poem harder to read.
i LOVE the stanza about the thunderstorm. so true...
keep working and i can't wait to see the rest!
~abby~
p.s. i would have gone for the tardy =]
I do like this, but agree with blackstorm and Fangala. The imagery is lovely, and you've expressed yourself well. I might suggest tweaking the third line by just admitting the "or" so it would be "like a cotton wool puff" as I think that it flows better.
The first stanza as a whole was very good, I really can't fault it. In the second stanza, I might try "It thunders through itself." as again, I think it flows more easily.I think the last line is weak in comparison to some of your other lines, which were really great, but I can't really think of anything that rhyme with "self" so I see your problem. Is there any way life could thunder through something else which would make rhyming more easy for you?
Anyway, overall, this was an enjoyable read, and I hope this helps.
Jas
I liked this, it made me smile and think; whoa this is funny but also quite mellow at the same time. I like how you put the cotton buds as "puffs", that was a very good kind of metaphor.
I think the only complaint I have about it is; "But also when it clears up." This seemed a little, I'm not so sure. I think, "Clears up" doesn't sound very poetic. Hm?
Good work,
GingerLove
In the "Thundering throughout it self." part, the "it self" should be "itself" unless it was intentional.
Like Fangala, I found the rhythm a little jerky, but other than that I really like this poem!
Beautiful imagery, but the rhyme scheme is a little jerky.
I had to read that last line a few times to understand it. I think you can come up with a better rhyme. Don't get me wrong--rhyming poetry can be really frustrating! But if anyone can come up with a rhyme with "orange," it's you.
wow bear, did not know you wrote poetry to. is there nothing you cant do? this is great, i loved it.
kim
It's cool. Good analogies.