A/N: All of the italicized words/phrases are spoken.
BELLA
Damned...
so cold…
almost gone.
Dread spreading on.
Do you remember
the day our paths first crossed?
Can you recall, at all,
a faraway carousal waltz?
No – I’ll never forget:
your true name.
The name that you bore, that you scorned,
was the name you should’ve worn.
Your true name:
Leo…
Do you remember a childish song or
those days at the park?
Can you recall firefly kisses and
when we stayed out till dark?
‘Cause I do,
and I’ll never forget.
Jean, you were my angel, my friend.
Oh, Jean…
You were the brother I never had
You were my friend and I was glad!
No… not glad.
I was reborn from that moment
I set eyes on you.
I was brought back and my old life
was through!
And I’ll never forget
Your true name.
The name that you bore,
was the name you should've worn.
Your coat of arms was the lion.
-
Sumi H. Inkblot, one day, was browsing in my blog and she saw that I wanted to write a musical. It had always been on of my dreams. So, she offered me to write a musical on one of her amazing pieces of literature. She threw a story at me called, "Your Coat of Arms is the Lion." It was absolutely stunning. I recommend everyone read that piece first before reading this. It might make a little more sense. XD
Anyway, this musical is gonna be awesome. She is writing the script while I am writing the music and lyrics. We've both decided on this for the opening song. It's called Your True Name.
I've never seen very many musicals here... so yeah. That was random.
Here you go. We need all of the feedback possible before I actually start writing the music part of the song. We (Sumi and I) both thank you for taking the time to read and review this.
Again, thank you
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
Hurray, I'm back!
Sorry I haven't posted anything for ages, but now that I've finally returned, guess who's the first person's portfolio I check? That's right, BBB, it's yours!
Now, onto the crit. Quite frankly, I'm stunned. Your poetry has evolved and blossomed like crazy, just like everything else you write. You just keep getting better. This piece flowed smoothly the whole way through, while doing an excellent job of conveying emotion.
This stanza doesn't work for me. The rhyme seems forced.
But other than that, this was beautiful! Is there any chance of you writing a song for one of my stories?
Hey BBB, really haven't talked to you in a while but anyways hey! Now on to this song, I loved it. Since I love music as much as I love writing, this was wonderful!
. But since I can't I'll settle for a gold one,
I'm going to go read Sumi's story but this portrayed the emotions of love and missing you know? Well anyways, I loved this. If I could, I'd reach up into the night sky and give you a sterling silver star.
Keep writing,
Angel
Hullo Boy.
I dislike your first stanza as an opening. I’m not sure in what genre you’re placing this, even as a musical, but I can’t see these singular words with the pauses being very effective. Not as a begging. Perhaps if you had the voice speaking the words as the music escalates; perhaps have the upcoming stanza as lines in between those.
Example: (using the italicised lines spoken word.)
Damned...
Do you remember?
And so cold...
The day our paths first crossed?
I’m almost gone.
Can you recall, at all,
The dread spreading on.
A faraway carousal waltz?
- I adore the carousal waltz. The idea of it speaks of lights and noises and voices. The images with that line are fantastic.
“Your true name:
Leo…”
- I think the simple spoken “Leo” would work well here without the leading “Your true name”
“Do you remember a childish song or
those days at the park?
Can you recall firefly kisses and
when we stayed out till dark?”
- The last two lines show gorgeous imagery once again. It presents both a feeling and an image. Not such a huge fan of your first two lines, though. As written, place the “or” on the second line with “those days at the park” – it makes more sense that way.
"‘Cause I do,
and I’ll never forget."
- I don’t like these lines. Mainly because I can’t see them being in a song at all.
"Jean, you were my angel, my friend.
Oh, Jean…"
- Did we change singers/voices in the middle there? I’m more than slightly confused about this new introduction. It comes too quickly, I think. Lead up to it a little more. Or start with the next paragraph first.
“You were the brother I never had
You were my friend and I was glad!”
- The rhyme here kills me. Ahah, I think it’s contrived, you don’t need it, let the words speak as they are. “glad” is a slightly... simple... idea as well. It’s not something that in modern society we automatically connect with normal speech.
“I was reborn from that moment
I set eyes on you.
I was brought back and my old life
was through!”
- “The” moment, not “that” Also place “and my old life” on the same line as “was though” – the stylistic nature of the structure I think you’re going for here is pulling away from the song’s feeling. Unnecessary. I also dislike this rhyme. I don’t think, once again, it’s needed.
“And I’ll never forget
Your true name.
The name that you bore,
was the name you should've worn.”
- Yeah, not sure I like this at all. I understand what it means. But it jars with me for some reason. It isn’t bad, and I can’t quite tell you why I don’t like it. I think it’s because I can’t see it in music form just yet.
"Your coat of arms was the lion."
- I love this as the idea of the entire song. I would have liked to see this as the name, and I would definitely have preferred it as part of the chorus instead of your repeated stanza. It’s poetic and sweet. I love it.
Okay. So I like this and I don’t. I have too many issues with it to like it properly, even though I want to, because you have some amazing imagery in there. I would like to know what genre you’re placing this in. Perhaps link or tell me a song that will be in the same type of speed, tone, feeling? That would really help, and I’d do a second crit after I got the music, probably with more suggestions and even contradictions from this one.
But yes. I don’t mind this at all. Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
very nice. but as said it must be memerable.think of HSM or 2. Or phantom or even hairspray. they all have good songs.
Overall you have done well. I wish to hear more of this musical.
space
I have officially discovered the lyrics forum! This is wonderful! Very nice song! Kudos to a job well done!
Hey Jared! I think I checked this out a few days ago, but didn't have time to crit.
Alright...
Lovely opening, not too cliche, a good rhythm to kick it off.
This is a little tame. The last two lines need to more powerful, strong and must come right frm the heart. I can't really imagine a lover saying this. It must be believable even if it is a song. Think of it as a story - telling the same message, but with lyrics.
Again, good but a bit soft. You see, I am unsure. It gets across what someone might think/say, and brings on the story and characters, but I think if you are writing a musical, it needs extremes. One side you need dramatic, powerful and warm/beautiful at the same time, or cold, roaring voices. I fine here that it is very mellow. You need to take a risk and plunge right into the deep end, aside from the start which I thought was perfect.
I struggled over this:
I think you can do better. It feels to me like a start to a vibrant verse, about to burst. Have these soft lines then by means of contrast bring this into life.
The ending was brilliant, I think it was a wonderful cool down and break, but this means the rest must be up-to-speed. I mean, you can't cool down an ice-cube can you?
The message was nice, so good job there, but yes, work on making it more powerful, so I am stunned while watching this musical.
Best of luck with it!
-Mark
Hmm, it's a good try, but if this is the opening number, needs to be memorable, strong, beautiful. Think of Les Miserables, Wicked, Sound of Music and Oliver. They've all got memorable first songs. Make it more powerful more epic. Listen to Hans Zimmer, Don Bluth, Lord of the Rings Soundtrack and other people who preform amazing music. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
Finally! Some helpful critiques!
Thank you so much! I'm really going to take all of this into consideration. Perra, and JFW, I really owe you guys! Thanks.
Is there anyone else with a helpful critique? As nice as praise is, it doesn't really help.
-Jared
Hey Jared! What up me home boy? *Cough* A lame attempt to be cool right there…
Anyways, here’s my critique, as per request. I told you it wouldn’t be helpful, but I’ll try my best! *Music off!*
Stanza Comments
I don’t think this is a very strong opening. There are several things you could do to rework it a bit better.
- Have them speak it. I would actually like this whispered at the very beginning of the musical, while it’s dark, possibly? I’m not sure, though, it depends on the story. (I am awful and didn’t read the story yet.
- Ditch the first word. Yes, I know you want to be cool, Jared, but, like me, it didn’t work.
- I don’t really like that ‘gone’ and ‘on’ rhyme. The pattern bothers me a lot – it couldn’t flow off my tongue, no matter how many times I read it. Maybe add another line in between? Maybe add ‘damned’ in between? But that would be two d’s in a row, and I’m not sure how that will sound.
Yes, I really think the first stanza should be spoken. It doesn’t seem to fit too well with this.
I would also suggest reworking the third line. I would like to see more of a visual there – what was it like? Don’t ask us if we remember it twice, describe it a bit more.
And do you really need the comma between ‘recall’ and ‘at?’ I think it’s unnecessary, and it slows the piece.
I don’t think the colon is necessary, but that may just be because I hate colons.
Also, I think the first line should be expanded a bit. It’s a little too short for my liking, and doesn’t seem to slow well.
I did like this. Simple, to the point, wonderful.
I don’t really like your choice in line breaks here. It’s kind of a chorus, right? So, shouldn’t it bare some resemblance? I think that would really help. Maybe something like:
Do you remember
A childish song or those days at the park?
Can you recall
Firefly kisses and when we stayed out till dark?
See? I like it having the same pattern a lot more.
But now I’m back at the same tip – the third line. It’s still boring, though you tried to spice it up. I think the second, third, and fourth should all describe it. Like:
Do you remember
Those days at the park,
Firefly kisses,
Staying out till dark?
I know with your brilliant mind you can do something better, but don’t you think it flows a little smoother?
I would combine 'Jean, you were my angel, my friend' with the last stanza. Also, separate the spoken part. You do everywhere else, but not here.
The spoken part I can’t really judge. I don’t know what I would be seeing, so I don’t know how it would fit.
Jean is a boy’s name? *Mental note not to tell Grandma whose name is Jean*
Anyways, I don’t like the second line. We had a serious tone at first, remembering font memories, and then you throw an exclamation point at us? Besides, it seems like you were forcing the rhyme here.
Again, the exclamation point bothers me. As does starting each line with ‘I,’ except for the last one.
The last line seemed a bit wordy to me – it seems like that would be hard to sing. Try saying it out loud, see if you agree with me.
Awesome end.
Overall Comments
Overall, I did love it. (Although I have nothing to compare it to…)
Remember, I am musically challenged. I have seen three musicals in my life (that I remember.) I have never critiqued lyrics before. I stink at poetry. I haven’t read the story.
But, I wanted to help, so I did my best.
Please let me know when you have anything to this out. I’ll try to read the actual story, too.
PM me for anything. I’d love to critique something else for you. (Fiction, perhaps?
Good job, good luck, and happy editing!
~JFW1415
Hello, BBB! I'm here as per your request! I'll try to make this worth your while, but I don't think I can judge it very well without actually hearing it. So, I'm listening to and looking at a few CDs I have of musicals (list at the bottom, if you're curious) to try and compare and better envision your song here. I also read Sumi's original story before doing this review/critique.
I'm not so hot about this first verse (or should it be called stanza?) I think it might be the rhyme of 'gone' and 'on' or the last line in general. I'm also trying to envision what's going on on stage/in the stage direction while the song begins, and this sounds like Jean is right there on stage dying. Even if I don't imagine the stage direction, this still can imply that he is dying the moment the song (and musical) begins. While that might work, the rest of the song doesn't sound like Bella is just now loosing Jean, but reflecting and remembering him in a sort of eulogy.This bit bothers me, too. Maybe you just need a comma/pause after friend.
Overall, I love it. I'd like to hear it, but that can be hard to arrange.
The first song (and overture) in a musical is critical. It disconnects the audience from their world and introduces them to another filled with song and, possibly, dancing. It dunks the viewer into the musical and says, "This is the story, this is the way we're telling it, and here are the primary characters." The first overture and first song also set the tone for the rest of the show. Even though I haven't seen the rest of the musical (which isn't finished, yes?), I can assume from the original story that you and Sumi picked the right song to begin your musical with. It says everything without giving away too much, grabs the attention of the audience, introduces the two primary characters, and sets a fine tone.
P.S. I'm not at all an expert in this; it's just what I've gathered from musicals I listen to and watch. Hopefully I'm not too far off, and I hope this helps you! And I'll be glad to review the rest when/if it's posted, if you so desire me to.
List of musicals I listened to while writing review: The Prince of Egypt, Chicago (movie), Wicked, The Phantom of the Opera (movie), Once More with Feeling (Buffy musical episode), The Lion King (movie), Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (movie), and Cats.
Ooh! I really like this 3B!
But...I agree with the others...the first stanza is a tad different and unrelated to the rest of the story....
All in all I liked it!
Awesome 3B!
~Lulu
This piece is astoundingly beautiful. I'll do the bad stuff and then the good.
Bad:
1. The first stanza is a bit...detached from the rest of the poem. What I enjoy about this is the line breaks you use and the first verse is too light compared to the rest of the poem.
Good:
1. Your rythmn thing is really fantastic. You have done the line breaks just right.
I love it Teddy. Except for the first word. *coughs and raises an eyebrow* What happened to my sweet innocent Teddy? I'm just joking. I liked it. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to read more.
Again a very powerful line, I like the fact that "that you scorned" is spoken not sang. I am humming a little tune in my head as I read and this is very powerful.
I love when songs bring you back to childhood memories, I think it's great.
This line threw off the rhythem a bit, maybe just to odd rhythem in my head. I'd have to hear how it sounds in yours to be sure if the rhythem is really thrown off haha.
I like this a lot. I'm not sure why, I just love this little bit.
-
Sorry if this is no help, all I really did was praise you. You have some very powerful lines in here, and I'll bet anything that backed up by music they are even better.
Oh that's awesome Bear! I'll try to read Sumi's story as well. Can you PM it to me Bear? It'd be easier for me to remember then cuz I can't get to it now. But this is awesome, I can hear it sort of. Not really cuz there's no song, but I'm sure you'll come up with something great!
Wouldn't it be awesome to see this on Broadway someday? *daydreams for a moment...* Anywho... keep it up!
~Yoyo