Fighting Back

Jared wrote:*Author's note* Italics are like an echo, repeating the last few words of the last line.


(Okie, sorry to critique something thats so old, but I couldnt resist. Anyway, he we go:)

Staring into the cold, dark night,
I see something coming.
Something coming.

(I hate to change a poem that isn't mine so much, but re constructing these lines would help a bit. Try:
"Staring into the darkness of night,
I see something coming. {I actually think approaching sounds cooler here}
{As for the repitition, repeating the last word only sounds a little more appealing, so lets try this:}
Staring into the darkness of night,
I see something approaching
Approaching
)

I squint harder, into the fog,
I rub my arms, hairs standing on end.
Hairs standing on end.
( Reconstruct!
I squint into the thick fog
My hairs standing on end
On end )

I wonder, what is that, standing over there?
It moves and creeps up towards me silently.
Towards me silently.
(Reconstruct again!
What is that which stands o'er there?
Creeping towards me silently
silently)

Still not knowing, I walk farther up.
And I see it, clearly.
See it clearly.

(Reconstruction . If he is scared, wouldn't you think he wouldn't be able to walk easily? try:
Curious, I stumble forward,
And behold, I see it clearly.
Clearly.
)

Stumbling, I take steps back,
Retreating into the dark.
Into the dark.

(Sorry to ruin your work by reconstructing, BUT;
Bewildered, I retrace my steps,
Retreating into the dark.
Dark)

It advances forward, snarling in whispers.
It knows I am here.
Knows I am here.
(Even if we weren't going to reconstruct, this doesn't fit.

"It advances, snarling,
It knows I am here.
here. {And even still, I think this needs demolition-reconstruction, It needs to flow more with the work .)

I turn around to run, but not quick enough.
The shadow jumps through the foggy air.
Through the foggy air.
(Ouch! Demo-Reconstruct!
"I turn to around to flee
But it jumps through foggy air,
Air)
It ccomes upon me, forcing me to the ground.
I utter one last cry.
One last cry.

(It overtakes and forces me down
I utter one last cry.
last cry)


The shadow consumes me, baring its fangs.
I stare into Death’s red eyes.
Death’s red eyes.


(Baring its fangs, it consumes me
I stare in the eyes of death
Death)


“No,” I whisper, and wiggle myself free.
Death will not take me.
Will not take me.
("No," I whisper, wriggling free
Death will not take me
Me)

I am sick of sleeping in hospital beds;
Tired of being fed through a tube.
Fed through a tube.

(I am sick of the hospital bed
Tired of being this way
This way)

The sickness cannot reach me.
Cancer cannot get a grip onto me.
Grip onto me.
(The sickness cannot overtake me
Cancer cannot grip me
Me)


I will fight back.
It will not win.
Will not win.

(I will fight back.
It will not win.
will not win)

Thanks guys. I know that this isn't one of my best poems, but I'll try to do better next time. Thanks for leaving your comments and everything. It'll help me write a better poem, and this time without the echo..lol I don't how I came up with an echo...it was a stupid idea.


Anyway, thanks!


BBB

I squint harder, into the fog,
I rub my arms, hairs standing on end.
Hairs standing on end.

squint isnt a strong enough word for what you are trying to reach for. i can see where you are going with this paragraph , but it doesnt flow easily. try rewording it alittle.

It advances forward, snarling in whispers.
It knows I am here.
Knows I am here.

i really like this one

bigbadbear--


If I repeat that this ia a bad poem
(bad poem)
would it change anytthing?
(anything, anything...)

No, seriously. The problem really is the entire approach, not just the repetition. Personification of Death has been done (pardon) to death by every newcomer to the field of writing. I don't know why amateurs are drawn to writing about it, but I'm guessing they're under the impression it makes them seem deep and worldly--it doesn't.

Write about your dog, or a lamp. And throw this away.


All the best,
Brad

bigbadbear wrote:

Staring into the cold, dark night,
I see something coming.
Something coming.

I squint harder, into the fog,
I rub my arms, hairs standing on end.
Hairs standing on end.

I wonder, what is that, standing over there?
It moves and creeps up towards me silently.
Towards me silently.

Still not knowing, I walk farther up.
And I see it, clearly.
See it clearly.

Stumbling, I take steps back,
Retreating into the dark.
Into the dark.

It advances forward, snarling in whispers.
It knows I am here.
Knows I am here.

I turn around to run, but not quick enough.
The shadow jumps through the foggy air.
Through the foggy air.

"but" jars the sentence a little, I would suggest removing it.
It ccomes upon me, forcing me to the ground.
I utter one last cry.
One last cry.

"One last cry" indicates he won't make any more sounds. He whispers later on, altering needed? "ccomes" = One "c"


The shadow consumes me, baring its fangs.
I stare into Death’s red eyes.
Death’s red eyes.

“No,” I whisper, and wiggle myself free.
Death will not take me.
Will not take me.


A sudden change in what is going on. The sudden switch is odd, you just move smack bang to hospital beds... One stanza of transition would be good here.

I am sick of sleeping in hospital beds;
Tired of being fed through a tube.
Fed through a tube.

The sickness cannot reach me.
Cancer cannot get a grip onto me.
Grip onto me.

I will fight back.
It will not win.
Will not win.

This poem is very good, sad, but good. I liked the way you repeated at the end of each part. Great job.

hummingbird

k, Thanks for all of your help. I made the corrections. I really like this poem. I don't know why...

wow very good! impressive bigbad *wiggles eyebrow* well since this a crit: here i go:

bigbadbear wrote:*Author's note* Italics are like an echo, repeating the last few words of the last line.



Staring into the cold, dark night,
I see something coming.
Something coming.

I squint harder, into the fog,
I rub my arms, hairs pointing up.
Hairs pointing up.

hairs pointing up sounds rather strange, idk y, maybe try another description

I wonder, what is that, standing over there?
It moves and creeps up towards me silently.
Towards me silently.

Still not knowing, I walk farther up.
And I see it, clearly.
See it clearly.

Stumbling, I take steps back,
Retreating into the dark.
Into the dark.

It advances forward, snarling in whispers.
It knows I am here.
Knows I am here.

I turn around to run, but not quick enough.
The shadow jumps through the foggy air.
Through the foggy air.

It came upon me, forcing me to the ground.
I utter one last cry.
One last cry.


came should be comes, so that it agrees with the tense of the rest of the poem

The shadow consumes me, baring its fangs.
I stare into Death’s red eyes.
Death’s red eyes.

“No,” I whisper, and wiggle myself free.
Death will not take me.
Will not take me.

I am sick of sleeping in hospital beds;
Tired of being fed through a tube.
Fed through a tube.

The sickness cannot reach me.
Cancer cannot get a grip onto me.
Grip onto me.

I will fight back.
It will not win.
Will not win.

I liked it! Truely! It was really good!

Konbanwa, Bear-kun!

Hey, this was good! It sounded almost lyrical. I can't really see anything terribly wrong with it, but then my brain is acting weird right now, so anything i said would probably be very useless! XD