Well, I decided earlier today that I wanted to write a poem. The universal question popped into my head: about what? So, while I was browsing dictionary.com (my hero website) I found out that the word of the day was lissome.
So, here is a story with the word lissome! XD Hope you like it!
lissome \LISS-uhm\, adjective;
also lissome:
1. Limber; supple; flexible.
2. Light and quick in action; nimble; agile; active.
Gliding gracefully,
ever so gracefully,
I twirl and tumble and soar.
I am lissome, I am limber,
as I tango across the floor.
Freely flying,
oh, she’s floating,
as I whirl her through the air.
I am lissome, I am nimble,
as we tango with great care.
She spreads
her beautiful smile
through the judges’ stare.
I am lissome, I am quick
as we tango to Fanfare.
Suddenly,
it’s all over.
She smiles in delight.
I am lissome, I am ready
as we tango through the night.
Gliding gracefully,
ever so gracefully,
I twirl and tumble and soar.
I am lissome, I am limber,
as we tango across the floor.
-
Thanks for reading! YWS rocks!
-Jared
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This is nice. I like the idea behind it and how it starts slowly and winds down towards the end. I'd change "tumble". If you're dancing gracefully, you're unlikely to be tumbling, especially as you are tangoing "with great care." In the second last stanza, I think you need to tie in what you're saying more with the rest of the poem. If it's over, what are you ready for? Also, what's over, and how do you know it's over? You could get a couple more verses out of this, I think. Maybe play around with it.
I think the rythm could be tightend up a bit, especially because you're writing about dancing, as it's jerky in places. I'll go through it now so I can show you what I mean, and I'd also suggest reading it aloud so you can get a better sense of the sound.
(The syllabyl counts in brackets are the number of syls there were before I altered lines).
"Gliding gracefully, (5 syls)
[s]ever [/s]so gracefully, (6 syls)
I twirl, I tumble, I soar. (7 syls)
I am lissome, I am limber, (8 syls)
tangoing across the floor. (8 syls)
Freely flying, ( 4 syls)
oh, she’s floating, (4 syls)
as I whirl her through the air. (7 syls) (I know what you mean here but it sounds as if you've caught her two arms and are spinning her round, with her legs outstretched. I'd try " 'cross the floor", or something to that effect.)I am lissome, I am nimble,( 8 syls)
as we tango with great care. (7 syls) ("Great care" contradicts the nimbleness a bot, I'd try expressing this a different way.)
She spreads ( 2 syls)
her beautiful smile (5 syls) (This is too long. I'd try "She spreads her smile across
the judges' stare.", then add a line of eight syllabyls)
through the judges’ stare. (5 syls)
I am lissome, I am quick; (7 syls)
[s]as [/s]we tango to Fanfare. (7 syls)
Suddenly, (3 syls)
[s]it’s [/s]all over. (4 syls)
She smiles in (adjective, 1 syl)delight. (5 syls)
I 'm lissome, I am ready (8 syls)
as we tango through the night. (7 syls)
Gliding gracefully, (5 syls)
[s]ever [/s]so gracefully, (6 syls)
I twirl , I tumble , I soar. (7 syls)
I 'm lissome, I am limber; (8 syls)
[s]as [/s]we tango across the floor." (8 syls)
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hi Jared ^^ Shina here
The idea in this poem is good, but I couldn't feel any soul. There was no depth in this. It needs more feeling and it's telling too much for me. It should show, animate a picture! But it didn't
When people tango I'm pretty sure the male dancer doesn't soar through the air nor tumble. And I'm also pretty sure it's the female dancer who twirls. I think the main problem with this other than lack of depth is "who is the narrator?" What is he? Is he a man, a woman? A force? What? From this poem I just do not know. Is this tango dancer dancing with lissome or is that describing the narrator? You have to think about that. To me it seems like you just wanted to use a new word.
Sorry about the harshness, but this poem just not live up to what I was expecting.
~Shina
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions
She's speechless 'cause it's so amazing.
I thought it was wonderful, 3B. There's just one thing I'd like to point out. The punctuation at the end of the fourth line of each stanza. Or just the following lines:
1. I am lissome, I am limber,
2. I am lissome, I am nimble,
3. I am lissome, I am quick
4. I am lissome, I am ready [i]
5. [i]I am lissome, I am limber,
Notice three of the five have the commas and two of them do not. The sentences themselves (when combined with the fifth line) are the same structure. You see?
Also, now that I'm thinking about it, the third stanza is a bit off rhythm (sweet, I spelled rhythm right the first time!).
The first three lines could be revised a tad to fit the rhythm the other stanzas had? I'd show an example of what I mean, but I'm not poet. Forgive me. ^^;
She smiles
a gorgeous smile,
her dance as light as air.
That is really bad, but yeah. Adjusting those three lines to match the rest of the poem might help too? ^^;
I also think you capitalize the first letter in every line when it comes to poems? That's just a nit-pick...
Amazing, though! I was quite impressed. When I read it through the first time, I was afraid I wouldn't find anything.
Bravo! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hah, my mad poetry critiquing spree was just practise, so no guarantees that this will be entirely helpful. xD
This has a nice meter to it. It's kind of singsong. I kind of liked that about it.
Repetition bugs me, but that's because I'm a nitpicky non-poetic fruitcake. So don't mind me. I'm just rambling.
Umm... nice word choice. I learned a new word today. Hehe.
Suggestions... suggestions... don't really have any. It's very, um, pardon the pun, but poetic. Sorry, I have no idea what to say. xD
In short, I liked it. Heh. ^-^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
bigbad u never cease to amaze me
gosh
k here i go
fantastic!! i love the word lissome, i may have to use that...
*applause*
good job * two thumbs up*
-your #1 fan!! XD
Nicely done my good friend!
Love the idea, the rhyming and everything else too!
Had nice roll to it, and the fact that you used that word (lincome?) in every verse was very interesting!
shanan-cat!
Thanks Alainna! When you mean repetition, do you mean:
Do you mean you don't like this stanza repeated? Well, thanks for your comments and suggestions!
BBB
This is a very good poem and really original - I loved the word itself.
I didn't much love the repetition, you could really have done without it in stanza one and four. Stanza three is a tiny bit weak - but I'm really nit-picking here.
Overall this was great, I just wish it was longer.
Alainna
xx
Hehe. Thanks Wozzel.
Although, I don't understand why you think it's funny. I didn't write it to be funny... Anyway, thanks!
I wish I understood what you meant right there.... [/doesn't understand]
Thanks, guys! Any more comments are appreciated!
BBB
B^3... this was awesome, hilarious, and perfect. It cracked me up. I loved your rhythm and your rhyming, and the use of the word lissome was great. Apparently you've already edited based on what Yoha said, so I have no knew edits. This was perfect.
Sorry if I wasn't too helpful.
I will say something on content, however... this was a perfectly written poem, but that doesn't make it my favorite poem, because, although it was funny, it wasn't my favorite idea ever. A good idea... not the best. I've liked some of your other poems better.
Rhyming: 9.5/10 (I've never seen such good rhyming)
Rhythm: 9.8/10 (Very good)
Content: 7/10 (This is why the poem isn't my favorite, but you still did a very, very good job with what you had. I mean, I prefer a more sad, action-filled poem, but for the kind of poem that it is... I would give a 9.9/10 for that. However, overall, content wasn't my favorite.)
Overall: 9/10 (Awesome job!)
Oh, one more thing...
Use of the word "lissome": 99786230709846 to the power of 3B/10!!
Great job, again, BBB
Teh Wozzinator
Ooooh, nifty word. I like the rhythm and the rhyme sheme. The third stanza kind of irks me using "smile" and "smiles" in the first two lines. If you can replace one with something else... I dunno, maybe the first one with "spreads"? Up to you. Then the line break of the fourth stanza is somewhat awkward but I can live with it. Maybe put "it's" on the second line? That one's hard. And I would like it if you changed the very last line to "as we tango across the floor." It just reads better to me. And the first stanza too, since I see you repeat those. But great poem! Great use of the word lissome. ^^ I think you've got a little knack for poetry. Keep it up!
~Yoyo