1dering at stars made a lot of the notes I would have pointed out, so I'll keep this short. The structure you had at first followed pretty well, but then you broke away and did it differently, that kind of confused me and threw off the meter. Not sure if you intending to do that, but it just seemed a bit awkward to go from the structure in the first stanza to the third and fourth and see it change so sharply. A good poem overall, but some bits of structure need work and changes to be made as 1dering at stars pointed out.
Oh ya. Forced rhyming is really bad and it shows like a....missing thumb. Don't force yourself to rhyme, especially when the poem is not based on rhyming.
Points: 890
Reviews: 74
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