Yeah. Um... I'm not quite sure about this. I really like poetry, it just seems like I can't get better... so any advice or useful suggestions would really help me. And I know that poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, but I always find it's easier for me to write if it does. Yeah. And I wrote this for someone...
So...
-
She sat
With her hand on her forehead.
Confused and hopelessly distressed.
He came
And sat next to her.
He hoped he wouldn’t be a pest.
She told
Of her troubles and her woe.
He listened intently, struggling to find
The answer.
And he found it:
The answer to her row.
Friends became
Best friends and soon she fell
For his sweetness and care.
He didn’t act the same.
He told her.
She became pale.
Why would
Anyone want him, he asked that day.
She replied warmly, telling him of his qualities.
He shook his head.
No. He couldn’t like her.
He stood up and went on his way.
She grew
Hopelessly in love.
Although it would never work.
She fell for a boy
Who didn’t fall back.
It’s what happens when push comes to shove.
Months pass
And boy grows desperate.
He refused her and
She won’t accept.
He discovered
His heart upon her, was set.
-
Argh...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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1dering at stars made a lot of the notes I would have pointed out, so I'll keep this short. The structure you had at first followed pretty well, but then you broke away and did it differently, that kind of confused me and threw off the meter. Not sure if you intending to do that, but it just seemed a bit awkward to go from the structure in the first stanza to the third and fourth and see it change so sharply. A good poem overall, but some bits of structure need work and changes to be made as 1dering at stars pointed out.
Oh ya. Forced rhyming is really bad and it shows like a....missing thumb. Don't force yourself to rhyme, especially when the poem is not based on rhyming.
I liked it. It was sweet and sad.
To sum up: I really like this. Its beautiful in a simple sort of way, and though pretty short, I sort of feel like I know these people. You have a great story here. Although many people try to write about this sort of thing, your poem was not cliche in the least. I think you could improve by taking out the rhymes so it doesn't sound forced, but pretty much, other than that, you have an absolutely wonderfully touching and beautiful poem. Great job on this one, hope I helped at least a bit!
-Sonja
Hey Jared. Your description here is good, and the story flows very well. I like the use of "he" and "she", as it increased my sense of watching the scene unfold. I'd cut;
"confused and hopelessly distressed."
Maybe try using an action to show this, rather than saying it outright.
Likewise, try showing that he didn't want to annoy her through the way he moves and approaches her rather than telling us this. I'd cut the rhyme as I think it's restricting you.
I liked;
"She fell for a boy
Who didn’t fall back."
I'd change "when push came to shove" as it's a bit cliche. Is there any incident you could use to illustrate this rather than saying it outright?
I think the last line is a bit weak, and the rhyme is forced again. Also, try ignoring cliches like the ehart being set upon people/things.
You seem to have a great understanding of people and how they interact, and this made yoru poem engaging.
Hope this helps.
Jas
yeah...
i think they need names
Yep.
Please, anyone who is even remotely talented with poetry, I need help with this. I need good, constructive critism to make this the best poem I've ever wrote.
-Jared
Your very welcome!
Balalkiki!
shanan-cat!
Thank you! When you said you didn't like the "She... He..." part, do you mean give them names? Or just the way that is structured?
No, thanks for the critism! I really need it. I'll work with this and see how much I can get done. I'll try to make it a load better! So, thank you, Shanan!!!
-Jared
Hey BBB!
YOu want help? I got it!
I didn't really like the way you "typed" it:
She...
...
He...
...
It sounded a little weird when I read aloud. Just new to me i guess.
I also found that the poem was a bit "lame"? Didn't really have much flow to it and the description was a bit boring. Sorry for the dump but this is my personal thinking.
Work on it then I can look at it again, okay?
shanan-cat!
Thanks, Ginger! Yeah, I agree that the structure is a bit off... I'll play with the words tonight and see what I can do.
Thanks! Any more comments or suggestions would be incredibly helpful!
-Jared
EDIT: Wow! I have 5 golden stars, but 1 review? Anyone seen a problem with this? Please, if you've read this, please comment! I really want useful advice! Praise is always nice, but not getting me anywhere. XD
Hm.. I liked this but the structure/flow of it put me off a little.
It was a wonderful story behind it, and I'm sure a lot of people know how the girl feels. You used some good emotions through it and kind of captured the scene as it were. Although, you did more of a telling that a showing. You need to build up on your imagery more, I think, so that the reader can picture almost every second of the scene in thier head, the way that they want to see it.
I loved stanza five. I thought that it really worked well! I'm not much help, to be honest, but still.. This is pretty good :]
Ginge