Unreasonable Wars

Hey, Becky2421! Artemis28 here for the last crucial hours of Review Day. A belated welcome to Young Writers Society, too! I hope you're having a good time on here!

So, let's begin. Just a little grammatical error right here. "Desk" should be "desks".

"A few desk away from me feels like a step away from him."

In this sentence, there should be some type of punctuation after "fragile". Perhaps some ellipsis, or maybe a period? And, "its" should have an apostrophe. Quite an easy mistake, my friend, so don't worry. The same thing in the beginning of the sentence after this one.

"So innocent and fragile I know its not right to feel that way."

When you're talking about the snake-like teacher, you don't have to put the "when" after "him". It's not needed. There also looks like there's an extra space after "snake", which you should probably fix. After that sentence, "your" should be "you're", another easy mistake.

"Its not even right to even dream or make fantasies about him when in a maths class where the teacher is a striking snake with eyes on her back. That's how things are meant to be when your me in this cruel world."

In the last few sentences, I was not expecting that load of information! I never even thought about the gender of this person... not until you gave that last bit. It was surprising, in a good way. That's a really good element, and it worked beautifully with this piece. Overall, it was a really good work. I loved it! Good job and keep writing, my friend!

-Artemis28, Team Tardis

Hey!

I see your fairly new, so welcome to YWS! Also, congrats on your first review star!

Spoiler

I always admire people who are brave enough to post stories like this. I connect deeply to them, being a Panromantic Asexual female that is mainly attracted to other females. (That probably makes no sense. So, back to the story!) I love the simplicity of this. It's kind of short, but that's ok for this story. Most of the problems are technical, and will be below (in Typo section). For the content of this story, you've handled the subject very well. There was certain things that I may have liked to seen elaborated, maybe how his family/friends/school feels about gay people. But this story also works without that elaboration. It's really up to you on if you want to elaborate.

Spoiler

There isn't really much to say here. We get to know our character in the way we need too, so you did a great job in my opinion.

Spoiler

My main problem is that this story consists of two main paragraphs. Chunky paragraphs. I think it would glow better if you broke it into more than just the two. Kinda like this~

Alone. That's what it is. Then there is fear. Staring straight ahead I see him. Gosh! A few desk away from me feels like a step away from him. So innocent and fragile I know its not right to feel that way. Its not even right to even dream or make fantasies about him when in a maths class where the teacher is a striking snake with eyes on her back.

That's how things are meant to be when your me in this cruel world. I always felt I was a failed experiment or a abnormal being on this planet earth. I can never express my feelings of love for another... probably to a dog or a shark yes but this...this ache in my heart can never be shared. He has captured and has stolen my heart without even realising it.

There are endless wars unknown to some people. The same war about 'girls is to boys', 'black is to white' and other loads of crap! Why all this nonsense? What's the point of all this madness and nonsense? The world wants peace? Let people be as they are and let people claim their stands of opinions and expressions then there'll be PEACE.

Then there is me. This world has built people with reputations and standards where I must never spoil or go against. My reputation is based on my family, church and community leading to myself. If I ever share my love for him, I know I will be an outcast. I will be seen with disgust and hatred. The result of my love will cause war.

That is why I always wear a mask and any sort of disguise to shield me from the pain I will face if I reveal my self. I'm just a boy with troublesome and so many unanswered questions but the right time will come when I will make things right. Gay I will always be.

The rest of these are getting kinda nit-picky, so I apologize.

Alone. That's what it is.

What what is? The feeling the Main Character has? He is alone? There's a stray cat on the street who is alone? I'd try and make this a bit more clear for readers.

... claim their stands of opinions and expressions then there'll be PEACE.

When emphasizing a word, italics are the better way to go. All caps can be distracting, and honestly a bit annoying at times. In this case italics are definitely the better way to go. Because readers eyes are immediately drawn to the all-caps words, that can then be distracting while trying to read.

This world has built people with reputations and standards where I must never spoil or go against.

I don't really feel like "where" is needed in this sentence.

I'm just a boy with troublesome and so many unanswered questions but the right time will come when I will make things right.

This sentence is worded kind of oddly. I think it would read better as "I'm just a boy with so many troublesome and unanswered questions, but the right time will come for me to set things straight."
(And with that example sentence, it would kind of be a huge kicker ending to change the last sentence to "That I'm not." Wait, nevermind. That would read awkwardly.)

Gay I will always be.

This is perfectly fine like it is, I personally just think it may sound better as "I will always be gay." Though that's just my personal opinion and it's up to you.

Alright hello, I'm just here to do a little review.

Now this is pretty good in my opinion, it highlights the problems with teens facing this problem. It kind of show the anxiety and stress that these guys face. I also like the title of this little story. It catches the eye but also doesn't just flat out tell the reader what's about witch is pretty cool. Now I as read the story I wasn't completely sure what it was about at the very start until I started the second paragraph. That's when I had an Idea of it and as soon as I got to 'My reputation is based on my family, church and community leading to myself' It kind kind of clicked in my head and the last sentence confirmed it.

Now this story has a decent amount of periods like a lot of periods. witch intern make a lot of the sentences short. also you should ad a space after 3 periods as in "this... this ache" also you should italicizes words that you want to emphasize. The word 'peace' really kind of pops out a bit out of out of everything in the story. Though you may have done that intentionally to prove a point I don't know if you did. But this was a good read.

Keep writing.