(Lady washes wounds after being beaten by men)
Like red ink
Gushing down the sink,
My eyes blinding
From wet hair dripping
How does one live with this?
.
Eyes bulged
Cheeks bruised
Blood oozing from my head,
I glance to the mirror stoned mad
I am such a fool! I should have chosen right
.
Screw those men with money
We're more then just 'Hey Honey'
We aren't boxing bags to beat up
So do man up
like Jennifer Lopez said, Make Love Don't Fight!
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
this is awesome you let the feelings flow. this is what I like you take some words put them in a story, song, poem what ever but it makes you think deeply. literally before I started writing I sat reading over and over again then thinking about so many things. it draws you in and makes you wonder, what happened, did someone attack this person. it makes you want to know what's happening and yes I know I've said that several times but its what makes this piece astounding. please, please, please, do more like this you are amazing at this Becky.
Thanks love,
appreciated the complimenting review. Made my day Jpwriter (interesting username)! I can see you are new to YWS so welcome aboard mate. I like your review B.T.W it was short sharp and understandable. Keep review and please post some of your own works online. We all will be grateful to review.
Cheers!
Hello, Becky!
These lyrics are pretty good, they have a really great message. I love the line, "like JLopez said, Make Love Don't Fight!". It kinda takes away from the overall mood but its still witty and I like it.
One thing I would change is in the line, "How does one women live with this", I would put an "a" instead of 'one'. But that is merely a matter of opinion.
Another thing is the line, "Gashing down sink". I think it sounds a little odd, maybe you could change it to gashing down the sink, or gushing down the sink.
One last thing I would change are the lines, "Screw those men with money,
Were more then just Honey". It doesn't really match well with the rest of the lyrics. I don't know, maybe its just me. I get that you're trying to give it a deeper meaning but I don't quite get it. Maybe you could explain?
Anyways, overall its a really great piece and I look forward to reading more of your work. I hope I helped at least a little bit. Have a great day/night!
~Makenna
hello? Who already posted that...
you must be on some drugs...jokes
Hello, Becky!
These lyrics are pretty good, they have a really great message. I love the line, "like JLopez said, Make Love Don't Fight!". It kinda takes away from the overall mood but its still witty and I like it.
One thing I would change is in the line, "How does one women live with this", I would put an "a" instead of 'one'. But that is merely a matter of opinion.
Another thing is the line, "Gashing down sink". I think it sounds a little odd, maybe you could change it to gashing down the sink, or gushing down the sink.
One last thing I would change are the lines, "Screw those men with money,
Were more then just Honey". It doesn't really match well with the rest of the lyrics. I don't know, maybe its just me. I get that you're trying to give it a deeper meaning but I don't quite get it. Maybe you could explain?
Anyways, overall its a really great piece and I look forward to reading more of your work. I hope I helped at least a little bit. Have a great day/night!
~Makenna
Thanks Makenna for the necessary corrections and your suggestions. I will fix the odds and polish up the bits.
Thanks love,
Cheers!
Also about the 'money' 'honey', I was referring to those women who are sex workers who get beat up too, and honey s what all men say to women so bam! there you go please do hit 'like' if you like the poem and keep n touch with me
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
I feel this poem could relate to most people. In the beginning, the reader can create an image of a lady washing her wounds after being abused by her husband. This poem seems to be the song she is singing while she cleans-- like a cheer or rebellion song. I enjoyed the little rhyming patter you have as it could be part of the mood and tone of this poem. Even though there is little imagery, I can sense the pain the person is going through and throughout this poem, you seem to make progress with the narrator as in the beginning they are realizing "Hey, why am I here?"
Then throughout the poem, they might be configuring a plan to ran away from the abuse. However, maybe the narrator is going to fight against the abuse?
One thing I like to point out, is most of this poem is in italics-- from what I know, italics seemed to show important themes and words. You threw italic paint all over this poem and made it seem important (although it shows an important message). For some of this poem, cut the italics and let it flow in the wind. Also in the beginning, in the bold, that seems to be the stage setting.
This line seems to be worded weirdly. At the end, "stoned mad" seems to make me think of a stoned guy very mad. What I think you mean here, is "stoned face" which doesn't sound like it means. It just simply means expressionless and not wanting to do anything. Also at the end of the mirror, should be a comma, as it can give a break.
Not many people know of Jennifer Lopez and when most see the "JLopez", they might think of a friend they know with that name. To fix this, and not to cause confusion, simply put "J-Lo" or "Jennifer Lopez."
Overall, this was a nicely done poem. If you like for me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
awww steggy thanks darling for the review! Will mend those broken pieces together.
Cheers!