Young Writers Society

Hey there, Becky! IronSpark here for a review on this awesome day. I'll be doing this by stanza, so...

Grasping for air

Face clinging with soaked hair

When she broke surface

I gripped the rail

As she swam like she had a tail

Looking like a goddess

Competing like a badass

Adding colour to this blueness

Spice to this madness

Boy! I wish I had fins

I guess I have bad genes

A science freak I am

A spectator I would be to this show

Exiting the pool giving off radiance

Wishing I had magnifying lens

A killer body she try to hide

A fragile picture she painted in my eyes

Not so muscular like her friends

She’s not what one might hate

Receiving gold with pride

I pictured her as my bride

nice poem.. just a few comments.
In the first stanza.. I think you meant gasping, not grasping... the second line didn't make sense to me since the hair would be clinging to the face, not vice versa. Id suggest changing it to "face dripping, soaked hair." I think it would compliment the overall flow of the poem. I'd also recommend removing the word "as" from the last line of that stanza.
In the third stanza, I'd suggest changing the line to "Cursed with bad genes."...I also think the last line of that same stanza doesn't fit the flow. Maybe "A spectator to this show"..?
Second to last stanza- maybe "Exiting the pool, exuding radiance"
in the third line, I think that can only be tries or tried. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.
I really liked the last two lines, very nice ending.
Great job

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

I liked the beginning of this poem as it seems to hold a hope that this could relate to mermaids (which could be a metaphor for life or whatnot). I also like how the title seems to grab my attention since it seems like the narrator wants fins so they can swim away from their problems and the world- like they are in a stress and whenever they try to swim away, the cannot. Also the rhyming was quite good too since it seemed to bring out the mood and the diction- which makes the reader want to read more.

For this part, I am going to go from stanza to stanza and hopefully it will help you!

Grasping for air

Face clinging with soaked hair

When she broke surface

I gripped the rail

As she swam like she had a tail

Grasping for air,

Face clinging with soaked hair soaked hair clinging to her face

When As she broke surface

I gripped the rail

As then she swam like she had a tail

Looking like a goddess

Competing like a badass

Adding colour to this blueness

Spice to this madness

Looking like a goddess,

Competing like a badass

Adding colour to this blueness Adding colour to the sea

Spice to this madness Despite all madness

Boy! I wish I had fins

I guess I have bad genes

A science freak I am

A spectator I would be to this show

Hello there! This review grabbed my attention with the title, and it's an interesting poem I enjoyed reading your descriptions of the swimmer, and how she mimics a mermaid she is so graceful.
I truly love the all of the lines in your first stanza. You do a great job with descriptions here.
Some of the lines in the meat of your poem are a bit awkward, in my opinion. Don't take that to heart or anything. I'm just giving you my perspective as a reader I think there are a few lines you could change up like:

"Boy! I wish I had fins

I guess I have bad genes

A science freak I am

A spectator I would be to this show"

The first two lines here are perfectly fine, but the second two lines don't really go together very well. I might cut down the last line in this stanza like:

"A science freak I am

A spectator, I would be."

The way you write the last line...it sticks out like a sore thumb and makes the reader stumble over the rhythm you've already established.

"Exiting the pool giving off radiance"
I would add a comma between "pool" and "radiance."

"A killer body she try to hide

A fragile picture she painted in my eyes"
I love these lines here!!
Only thing is, don't forget to change "try" to "tries." I'm sure you saw this when proofreading again.

The last stanza is worded in an interesting way, but I like it! Besides my nitpicks- please don't take any of them to heart- I thoroughly enjoyed this unique poem!!

Happy writing,
Kali Lennon

Hello Becky2421!
It's MergSword here with a review!

I assume you're talking about mermaids right. I started to think it was a dolphin of something.

Alright. I liked the humor part of this and I think humor can go greatly with romance if it's used correctly.

Although I do want to point out one thing. If this person were to have fins, they still could,not exactly be with their mate. I don't want to ruin the title or seem like a smarty pants but wouldn't they need gills? You know, to breathe the water and stuff. Unless you aren't referring to mermaids because then I'm sorry for that complete waste of review.

"Exiting the pool giving off radiance

Wishing I had magnifying lens

A killer body she try to hide

A fragile picture she painted in my eyes"

I liked the description of this line, the details are great. Although the try in this stanza should be tried.

"Grasping for air

Face clinging with soaked hair

When she broke surface

I gripped the rail

As she swam like she had a tail"

This is a great magnetic opening that makes readers want to read on. Great job!

Hello, Becky! racket here to review your poem.
XD Well. XD I like this! Your point of view is kind of funny, at least from my perspective. So completely awed and just like 'Man! She's one heck of a girl!' or whatever. XD Anyways, it made me laugh, so even if that wasn't the goal, good job!
I like the way you phrased everything so nicely, we, the readers, can really see things from your main character's pov.
Just a few questions/comments/suggestions/etc., the first of which being maybe use some punctuation? Especially at the end; your poem is so well done, and the last line is so perfectly final, it's just screaming to have a complete ending. Your poem deserves a period down there, completely finalizing it and making it whole. XD Sorry, but every good poem deserves a whole ending.
Also, commas, hyphens and periods strategically placed throughout the poem would be extremely beneficial, such as in in this stanza

Exiting the pool giving of radiance-
Wishing I had a magnifying glass-
A killer body she try to hide,
A fragile picture she painted in my eyes.

Face clinging with soaked hair

When I first read the title, I thought, haha, she must be talking about Percy Jackson!

Grasping for air
Face clinging with soaked hair
When she broke surface
I gripped the rail
As she swam like she had a tail
This a great introductory stanza. Your imagery is good and I didn't have any trouble imagining what's happening in the poem. My one suggestion, however, would be to add 'the' before 'surface'. I read through the stanza a few times and in my opinion it flows better with the extra word.

Existing the pool giving off radiance
My second and final nitpick is to do with this line. It just doesn't make sense, I think some rewording is needed. It is a poem, so you can write nonsense if you want to, but I had a nice story coming along in my head. It makes slightly more sense if I add 'in' before 'the pool', but it's up to you.

The feelings this guy has for the mermaid (can I call her a mermaid?) came across loud and clear, and overall you have a really nice poem here. Just fix up those two things and you'll be ready to go.

That was sweet, I seriously enjoyed your poem. I'm new to the forums, and this is my first post. I have to say I'm impressed. You and this poem have shone like stars. It made me think I made the right decision to come to this site, because if this is the type of work that I can read here, then I'm happy to stay. Your poem was a beautifully painted water color picture inside my mind. The poem felt so smooth, it fit perfectly together, with each line of words connecting with the next line in a way that I couldn't really describe how I feel about it. Unfortunately I'm not one that is good at reviewing other people's work, but I'm quite happy that at least I can enjoy other's work. Thank you for sharing your work.

Hello Remington38 here *rawr*

This I found so cute and it just made me smile, works like this are what make me appreciate poetry. I almost was hoping for more an that's a great thing! Because that means I was so pulled in and wanted more. The only thing and this is totally just a personal suggestion is maybe a little more description (and prepare I am going to go all English teacher on you) imagery. I love that its not too short and not too long either like what the previous commenter said we don't forget the beggining or what were are reading. Great job!

Awe, that was cute lol

So, all in all, this is a pretty straightforward poem. I like the way you started, with her coming out of the water, it was a nice visual. I also like that this is short, but not too short. It's not long enough that you forget what you read at the beginning, but it's not short enough that there's really nothing said. Good job XD

The only thing I will comment on is the rhyming and the first stanza.
While I do like the way you introduced the premise, I will say that I didn't like that you start with a five line stanza, and then just use normal four line format the rest of the time. If I was you, I'd try to find a way to condense the first stanza into a four line, which shouldn't be too difficult.
Also, this doesn't rhyme all that well. I mean, technically the words sound similar, but in the context, they don't flow as well. I'd suggest reading this out loud, I did and I caught a few of the bumps. That, and then you change your way of rhyming and I suggest just reviewing this and fixing the structure.

Well, that's all I got to say! Good job
Keep writing
~Maddie