(Referring to that one lonely rug you placed your heavy feet on, a second ago)
Fixed on the floor
Spread skilfully
Like grass on the earth
Arms wide open
Legs outstretched
As toes and paws
Sink into her hairy fur
.
Just to offer comfort,
She surrenders unwillingly
As she carries the unbearable weight
To serve her purpose,
She gets constant bashes and poundings,
For the pleasure of our feet
Yet she's made from,
The coat of a slaughtered beast
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139,533 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
Your poems, from what I read, use an everyday object and you make it into something completely different- and sometimes that is a hard thing to do. I enjoyed this one as most people could relate since most people have a favorite rug (you made it seem like a beast's fur). Nicely done ^^
There should be another "L" in skillfully
As this poem continues on, you somewhat lead off into a topic that doesn't seem to relate to the poem as a whole; like the reader could infer that the rug is her but the rug doesn't have a gender. That is why "it" would do since it gives a name without giving a name- if that makes sense?
Another thing I like to bring up is the whole poem is in italics- which is fine for important things or stressing something important (the same goes for bolding). If you could write this poem in non-italics and maybe stress some words throughout this poem, it would make a better sense for the reader.
Overall, this was a lovely poem! I enjoy your poems and hope to read more of your work.
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Thanks steggy for the helpful recommendations.
About the 'skilfully' I am 100 % sure its not a spelling error.
I also used 'she' to create an impact the reader. I f I used 'it' it would be quite boring t the reader. I was trying to achieve some personification attributes to the non-living subject.
But anyways I like the fact that you took some of your priceless time to review this poem. Your shared your point of view as a reader and I am overwhelmed and grateful for the effort. I look forward to more reviews from this hot-reviewer a.k.a steggy
Cheers love!
Hey! Cello here!
I read another poem of yours and you've really proven to be a skilled writer. You take such simply concepts and gave them such great meaning. You're descriptions are absolutely beautiful and they really make the poem whole.
A few things about this. I always relate 'surrender' with willingness so the 'unwillingly' part throws me a bit off. If it was unwilling it would be against the rugs will. Surrender implies that he rug submitted to the authority/opposition. You can't submit against your will. You can be forced, but that's not the same thing.
Either way, I think 'willingly' is better. It make the rug seem kind, caring. It's giving up it's own safety and comfort to comfort us.
Maybe that's not what you're going for, I don't know. It's just a suggestion.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks so much ChocolateCello for your compliments, appreciated them!
But about the surrender and unwillingly, I am pretty much confident as to why I chose these words
The rug surrenders meaning that though she does not want to serve her purpose she has to unwillingly do it.She has no choice but to surrender unwillingly.
(If you still don't get me, that's fine cause i'm cool with it).
Great poem! There are a lot of things that we take for granted in life, and I think that this poem puts it perfectly. The descriptions were amazing in my opinion. You didn't use words that everyone uses, so it added some power, especially to the last line. I just had a one thing that I was wondering about.. The parenthesis at the beginning seemed a bit out of place. I think using the words heavy feet would go well in the poem, and you could fit all of this in one of the stanzas. That's all, that I have, though. I really liked this poem and how it had an important issue. I really liked it!
Thanks so much, totally made my day!
I will consider the recommendations you stated above love,
Cheers!
Hey there, Becky2421! cleverclogs here for a review!
Well that ended up being much darker than I expected. In a good way, though.
Typo alert: "Skilfully" should be "skillfully" here.
I think that in these lines, all the body parts got a bit too mixed up. First, you were talking about the arms and legs of the rug, but then you switched to talking about toes and paws of the people and animals walking on the rug. It ended up being a little confusing. Or maybe it's just stupid old me being stupid. Either way, I'd recommend taking a look at this.
The motivation of the rug is confusing in these lines. Is the rug being a rug "just to offer comfort", or is she doing it "unwillingly," because someone's forcing her to? Pick one and stick with it.
Same deal with this line. At this point, I'm not sure why she's being a rug.
Was the rhyming here intentional? Because I don't really think it worked well, since you introduced it so late in the poem. Even if it was unintentional, I'd recommend rewording it so that it doesn't rhyme. Rhyming is just a little unprecedented here.
Another thing to think about: If you play a whole concerto at the same dynamic, then it takes away the contrast of the swelling crescendos and the sweet, quiet parts. The concerto becomes kinda dull without that. Now, why am I bringing this up? Because it can be compared to your use of italics. Italics are meant for emphasis on certain things, so when you use italics on the entire poem, you're effectively emphasizing the whole thing. This takes away the emphasis, similar to the lack of dynamic contrast in the concerto.
tl;dr: The ever-present italics take away from the poem rather than enhance it. Use them more sparingly.
Now then. This was a very interesting take on rugs. I honestly found it kind of amusing, because it took something so mundane and made it so dramatic. However, I felt like I was wrong in seeing it that way when it got to the last line about the slaughtered beast. Whoops. I did quite like this. I think you used good imagery and aside from that, I just find it very interesting. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the lengthy review love
Will consider the recommendations
Cheers!