One Lucky Towel

by Becky2421

(Girl reaches for towel after bath)

I leapt out the tub

Like a wet puppy,

Drowning in the tap’s tears

Feet wobbly on soapy tile,

I grab you against

My steaming bare skin,

Your hairy coat

Against my huge butt cheeks,

Your clinging hairs

Rubs the wetness off

I cling on to you

As you work your hands

And body around me

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Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Sat Oct 17, 2015 9:12 pm

ChocolateCello wrote a review...

Hey! Cello here for a quick review!

I really liked the poem, it was cute, but I feel like the bold took away. This poem is a simple idea but into great detail. Adding boldness ruins the feel of simplicity.

A few minor suggestions-

I grab you against

I feel like 'grab' is the wrong word. Maybe 'hold' or 'pull you around' instead of 'hold you against'.

Your fleshy coat

Again, I feel like you're using the wrong word. I, personally, would never consider a towel 'fleshy'. Maybe 'soft coat' or 'furry coat'. Something that relates better to the 'hair' of the towel.

And body around me

Honestly, this is fine, but maybe consider changing from 'me' to 'my own'. It's not a big deal, just a matter of opinion.

I really enjoyed this. Keep writing!

-ChocolateCello

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

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Sat Oct 17, 2015 3:08 pm

Steggy wrote a review...

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

What I suggest first off, is not writing in bold. Bold is used to emphasis something like a specific word choice or meaning but what you have is just boldness everywhere. Also is the shape of the poem suppose to the be the towel? Or maybe the figure putting a towel around her? If not, I would suggest just having it as a solid poem- unless you like to keep it. Then it is up to you.

I liked the beginning of this poem as it has a good comparison between a wet puppy to girl getting out the shower.

Drowning in the tap’s tears

^ this was my favorite line of the whole poem, as you used personification to show the bath as the tap's tears- when actually a tap cannot cry.

Wobbly from soapy tile,

"from" doesn't seem to the correct word use here. Maybe "on" since it shows a certain location rather than transition.

Your skin hairs
Rubs the wetness off

"Skin hairs" does refer to hair of the towel however it could confuse the reader. I would suggest just say hair or better yet, material since they don't know what it could be (unless they look at the title and could infer what this poem is about).

I also like the transition from towel to human, as you make the towel seem like a human.

I liked this poem and could relate to most people who read it.

If you want me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy

Points: 274
Reviews: 4

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Sat Oct 17, 2015 2:03 pm

Mcbucketts wrote a review...

Your work is decent but with some suggestions it will be better. In the first line I believe that leap should be changed to leapt. Also try using some stronger vocabulary. All though the poem needs a little help, your use of literary devices is very good. The only thing about it a little bit of it can go a long ways but you made it work and it works good. You have the potential to be a solid writer so keep working.

Points: 240
Reviews: 64

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Sat Oct 17, 2015 2:03 pm

Winter257 wrote a review...

Hey again! Gonna leave you another review

So... first I must say, oh my xD

When I saw the title I wasn't sure what I was in for, and I was surprised, to say the least. But in a good way! It was slighty humorous and very well written! The line, "Drowning in the tap’s tears", is just awesome. Very clever way to put it indeed I rather enjoyed the way you formed the poem too, it gives it that much more personality. I don't have anything to suggest, nothing but praise for this interesting poem! Great job, and I can't wait to see what you write next. ^~^

Becky2421 says...

Thanks again (really)!
I hope read more of your poems too

Cheers!

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One Lucky Towel

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