(Girl reaches for towel after bath)
I leapt out the tub
Like a wet puppy,
Drowning in the tap’s tears
Feet wobbly on soapy tile,
I grab you against
My steaming bare skin,
Your hairy coat
Against my huge butt cheeks,
Your clinging hairs
Rubs the wetness off
I cling on to you
As you work your hands
And body around me
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139,265 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hey! Cello here for a quick review!
I really liked the poem, it was cute, but I feel like the bold took away. This poem is a simple idea but into great detail. Adding boldness ruins the feel of simplicity.
A few minor suggestions-
I feel like 'grab' is the wrong word. Maybe 'hold' or 'pull you around' instead of 'hold you against'.
Again, I feel like you're using the wrong word. I, personally, would never consider a towel 'fleshy'. Maybe 'soft coat' or 'furry coat'. Something that relates better to the 'hair' of the towel.
Honestly, this is fine, but maybe consider changing from 'me' to 'my own'. It's not a big deal, just a matter of opinion.
I really enjoyed this. Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
What I suggest first off, is not writing in bold. Bold is used to emphasis something like a specific word choice or meaning but what you have is just boldness everywhere. Also is the shape of the poem suppose to the be the towel? Or maybe the figure putting a towel around her? If not, I would suggest just having it as a solid poem- unless you like to keep it. Then it is up to you.
I liked the beginning of this poem as it has a good comparison between a wet puppy to girl getting out the shower.
^ this was my favorite line of the whole poem, as you used personification to show the bath as the tap's tears- when actually a tap cannot cry.
"from" doesn't seem to the correct word use here. Maybe "on" since it shows a certain location rather than transition.
"Skin hairs" does refer to hair of the towel however it could confuse the reader. I would suggest just say hair or better yet, material since they don't know what it could be (unless they look at the title and could infer what this poem is about).
I also like the transition from towel to human, as you make the towel seem like a human.
I liked this poem and could relate to most people who read it.
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Your work is decent but with some suggestions it will be better. In the first line I believe that leap should be changed to leapt. Also try using some stronger vocabulary. All though the poem needs a little help, your use of literary devices is very good. The only thing about it a little bit of it can go a long ways but you made it work and it works good. You have the potential to be a solid writer so keep working.
Hey again! Gonna leave you another review
I rather enjoyed the way you formed the poem too, it gives it that much more personality. I don't have anything to suggest, nothing but praise for this interesting poem! Great job, and I can't wait to see what you write next. ^~^
So... first I must say, oh my xD
When I saw the title I wasn't sure what I was in for, and I was surprised, to say the least. But in a good way! It was slighty humorous and very well written! The line, "Drowning in the tap’s tears", is just awesome. Very clever way to put it indeed
Thanks again (really)!
I hope read more of your poems too
Cheers!