(Girl cleanses off blood stain in bath after a deep cut)
Like red ink
Oozing out excitedly,
Like served wine to drink
But in a glass of skin
.
My butt cheeks drip
As water leaks
Cleanses the blood's stain grip
On my skin, that once coated me
.
Dark rouge water
Leaps off my toes
Into the tub’s drain
As I stare at my bloody feet
.
A kid’s pimple disappears eventually
But old age brings wrinkles
Just like a bruise fades away
But a cut leaves an ugly scar
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
First of all great short poem. It kind of short and sweet (except instead of sweet kind of a hmm I do not know the word haha) I loved the poem it was very... hmm difrent from the rest. I do have to ask the inspiration for this particular piece. I also have to ask did you plan to write this or is this a free flow poem? I enjoy both but feel as if the free flowing poems are well more natural. You did great work but I do agree with the whole " butt cheeks" statment. I am sorry its just this poem flows so well and have such a great vibe to it and then... well then "butt cheeks" ha ha I think you get my drift. From this poem it seems like you are a very talented poet and best of luck on all of your future work!
Hehe chill out I know you feel the vibe dude! Well this poem is my own. I was inspired to write it due to own experiences, well recent experiences. This is a free flow poem that just spilled out of my mind voluptuously. I know I also like the 'butt cheek' statement. Mmmh haha jokes but please do hit the 'like' button on the top for me love,
Much appreciation
Cheers!
No problem and I had a feeling that this was free flowing
Hey Becky, Gladdy here to review some of your work.
One: There's a random space before this line, just go back and fix that.
Two: I wouldn't recommend using the words "butt cheeks." The rest of the poem is elegant and very well described, but the words "butt cheeks" are extremely childish and they ruin the nice flow of the poem.
You are commanding someone here, when I think you meant to say: "Leaps off my toes." If you leave it as it is, it will be like you are demanding the reader to leap off your toes.
I do realize this is the end of a stanza, but it sounds more like the beginning of a stanza. Try rewording it or placing it somewhere else.
When using "a" before a word beginning with a vowel, use "an."
This poem was well explained, but there were a few weak moments. I really like how you described it in the beginning (aside from the butt cheeks part).
Well done, but it can be better.
~Gladdy
Hey there! I was gonna leave a review last night, but I fell asleep before I could... so here goes
I loved this poem, quite a bit. It's short, and yet the imagery is quite extraordinary. I'm not sure if what I think this is about, is correct.. I get that it's about a girl washing blood from an open cut, but how did she get it? I'm assuming it has a darker meaning, but I didn't want to jump to that conclusion in case I'm wrong. Nevertheless, this poem is wonderfully worded. And then the ending, which is what made me conclude that this is a darker poem, ends it on a note of feeling as though it's inevitable to become something less than desired, and the consequences of your actions stick with you. I might be wrong about what I perceive is the meaning of this poem, but regardless of that, you did a fantastic job writing this peice! There's only one thing, in the last line, it should be "But a cut leaves an ugly scar".
So, overall, wonderful job! You're very talented, and I can't wait to read more of your work! c:
Aww thanks love
Oh yeah you definitely got the point and overall message of the poem.
And thanks so much for the silly vowel punctuation I did at the last line.
I will fix that nasty error
(btw you did an error when you spelt 'piece' its on the fourth last line of your review). -this was unnecessary but...)
Cheers mate!
No problem ^-^
And oh gosh, I did! Thanks for the correction xD
Hi! Would like to give you some criticism there!
I find your poem to be unique. The way blood is compared to pen's ink, red wine....it's great. It never occurred to me to write a poem like that.
Now I will talk about what needs to be worked upon according to me:
I think you could add much more depth into the poem. for example, you have written how red ink oozes out excitedly but then what? And then you directly jump to wine part.
Secondly, I didn't understand the last stanza regarding the kid's pimples and wrinkles. Also that line regarding leaping off the toes into the tub's drain. Some parts of the poem are really hard to understand.
So, I think after you write a poem, you can perhaps add a note below stating a small explanation of the poem. It needn't be big. Just a short summary. Other than that its a good, unique poem. Keep on writing!
Thanks so much love...
really appreciate the last bit
Cheers!
Your poem is very interesting because it could use a little work. I don't know if this was a informational poem about blood or if this was a comparison with blood and wine. Then you talk about bathing and other things that made the poem a little hard to follow. I do like the poem though and believe you have great potential.
Haha wow! I see you have not hit the jackpot, but just to give you a hint it is a very detailed and descriptive poem written of person (girl) rinsing off blood from a open cut that stained her skin. So this poem gives in more description and imagery to the poem. I describe clearly of blood as it drips down her skin as she washes.
Cheers!