z

Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Real American Woman, ch. 1

by AyumiGosu17


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

August 8, 2013

I have a bruise on my arm from where they drew blood for blood work. I can still smell that icy gel from the ultrasound, even though I spent half an hour in a warm, bubbly shower. I feel sick to my stomach with worry. I may be overreacting and overthinking, but I cannot shake this feeling of dread and despair.

I spent two hours in a hospital getting tested and examined. The doctor thinks I have endometriosis, and there’s something on the ultrasound that has them baffled and asking for another round. I just want to know – do I have it or not?

My wedding is three months away. We’ve been together for three years. We’ve been talking about children, thinking about names for boys and girls and looking at nursery room designs. A French parlor, with pinks, golds, and creams, and vintage furniture and decorations for Victoria Louise, our little Vicky Lou, and a coastal boathouse, with blues and greys, and seascapes for Bruce John, or Justin, or John, or whatever else he has picked out. The only reason we aren’t waiting for one of them to arrive is because of school and the economy.

I’m a senior-sophomore. I was supposed to graduate this spring, in May. Well, school kicked my ass and forced me to change my career path. I’m happier, and it’s easier than bio-medical science. English with music is what I should have done from the beginning, and then I wouldn’t be in this situation. Now I won’t even intern until fall 2016 or the next spring. I’ll be 25 when I finally graduate.

We aren’t stable, either. I enjoy sales and my coworkers at Farmer’s Furniture, but my age is a hindrance. Or, more accurately, my external age is a hindrance. It’s both a blessing and a curse when people assume you, a struggling 21-year-old woman, are a mere 15- or 16-year-old. They don’t respect me, so they don’t buy from me, and when I don’t make sales, I don’t make my budget. Working at Arby’s doesn’t do much good either. My ankle is not well, and if I keep going, I will have to have surgery. The surgery will kill off my last hopes of getting a degree. I won’t be able to walk.

Jeff isn’t happy. Hopefully, he will get that job he wants so much. He’ll hear back about his interview tomorrow. I pray constantly that he will come out successful.

But even if everything settles and our life drastically improves, can I even have children? Will I be able to? My greatest fear right now is that…I won’t.

August 9, 2013

It wasn’t as hard to get up or eat today. I may not have done much or eaten enough, but the point is I did. I got myself up at 9 without help. I would have liked it better if I had seen Jeff, but he had to be at work by 7. I sat at my computer for about an hour, talking to Tylor.

I was so angry that I blamed God. I was wrong, I know it, and nothing makes that as clear as being reprimanded by an atheist. I called my Father out, despairing, “If you wanted me to be such a good mother, having raised my own cousins, then why is this happening to me?” It both shocked me and thrilled me when Tylor responded, gentle but blunt, “Aren’t you always telling me that God has a plan for us, in His own time? You becoming a mother isn’t over yet.” Tylor then went on to talk about other means of getting pregnant…freezing eggs and doing invitro, surrogate mothering, adoption. He broke my heart and left me bawling like a baby when he followed with this:

Audra, you’re my best friend in the whole world, and it hurts me that you have to go through all of this and there’s nothing I can do to help. I know it’s a long shot, but if I am fortunate enough to get rich from my books in the new few years, and you’re up for the procedure, I’d like to pay for it for you so you can have the chance to have the family you’ve always wanted. You and Jeff both mean a lot to me.

I think I cried for twenty minutes. Between that, talking about children and timing with Jeff, and Christy reminding me that I won’t find out anything out for certain until my follow-up on Thursday, I feel like I can make it a little farther in this day.

August 10, 2013

I’m not feeling sick anymore. I didn’t wake up as easy, though. I suppose that’s because of how I was feeling last night. Yesterday was hard after I went to work. I forgot to wear my ankle brace, so by the time I made it to Arby’s, my ankle was swollen and aching. Arby’s was rough, too. It was Friday night rush, coupon week, and the bathroom flooded. I was ready to pass out once I got home, but I never could get comfortable enough to sleep.

I’m beginning to have hope again, but these morbid thoughts still plague me. I dreamed so much last night…

The first one I remember, I was at the doctor’s office with Jeff. I could see myself, internally, and it was unsettling. It was scarred and bloody, from either a surgery or from the endometriosis. I could see a child trying to hold on, but it couldn’t. I couldn’t.

It merged with the next dream. I couldn’t stop crying, because the baby that I’d had for two or three months, just before we could even determine if it was Vicky Lou or a boy, had separated from me. I had lost it. It was no longer mine to carry.

The last dream woke me. I was old, with Jeff still by my side. Our house was our dream house, with rich color and culture, but we were alone. The pictures on the walls were of us, over a lifetime, and our pets. There were no children…no grandchildren…no one else. We would die alone.

I know these are just lower-grade nightmares, but what if they aren’t? I do remember that vibrant, vivid, story-like dream I had months ago. It was so detailed that it felt real, like a premonition or promise. I pray that it is so, now more than ever. It was a beautiful dream. Jeff and I were married, and I was wearing my teal wrap-around dress in every scene. Every scene, I looked the same, except for my makeup and hair. The scenes felt like a timeline. I was at the university, singing in choir and beaming joyously. In the next scene, I was beginning to show, probably three months pregnant. It was midterms, and I was writing an essay while sitting with my friends – Beth, Stephanie, Hannah, Nathan, and David, namely – in the lounge area of the science building. By the end of the semester, we had put together a pink nursery, and I was in the choral concert, barely able to fit in my dress because I was several months pregnant by then. The last scene, Jeff was standing by me in a hospital room, and I was holding a precious baby girl.

It had felt so real, with the faces and the setting and the events, that I was disappointed when I woke up. I just hope that it was a promise, because God wouldn’t be one to break His promises, would He?


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347 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 3:18 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to review your story for this marvelous review day! I will review as I read so that it makes a million times more sense to both you and me!

Here goes!

I'm already liking the fact that it's going to be diary entries. I haven't seen a lot of this format on YWS before.

“I have a bruise on my arm from where they drew blood for blood work.” - I wish you would change the words 'blood work' to just 'tests'. I'm a stickler for repeated words. It interrupts the flow for me.

“A French parlor, with pinks, golds, and creams, and vintage furniture and decorations for Victoria Louise, our little Vicky Lou, and a coastal boathouse, with blues and greys, and seascapes for Bruce John, or Justin, or John, or whatever else he has picked out.” - I love the imagery you have given to the reader here. It's beautiful but look at your sentence length. It's so so long! Split the son and daughter up so that we get a bit of a breather in between.

“But even if everything settles and our life drastically improves, can I even have children? Will I be able to? My greatest fear right now is that…I won’t.” - This is very cleverly done. You have chosen a subject that a million families can immediately relate to.

I like the names you have chosen for your characters.

My heart bleeds for this girl! You've done a great job in connecting your character to the reader. This will keep many people reading for pages to come.

Take a look at your sentence length and really think about what you want the reader to see through Audra's eyes. Why wouldn't she have written about the personal reaction she would have had when finding out that she couldn't have a child? We need these details!

Good luck and I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!

Olive <3




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:46 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hi there Ayumi!
manisha here to review!

Firstly, I love the fact that this is a story about a simple woman facing problems in her life. In a big world where there are so many problems like political unrest, population, terrorism and all that we tend to forget that there are people all over the world with their own personal problems which has more significance to them than the worldly problems.
I know this is a diary entry but everything doesn't have to be only talk. You could still manage to SHOW us something. Also, I really do not connect to Audra. Probably because there seems to be very little emotion. We come to know about her problem but that is all. Show us some emotions and feelings to pull in the reader.

That would be all! I look forward to reading the next chapter.

-manisha




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Thu Aug 15, 2013 5:44 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hi Ayumi! How are you doing? Stella here today to review :)

So this was an interesting change. I liked how this was a normal woman with a pretty normal struggle. But I do have a few pieces of criticism for you

-I didn't get what Audra's plans for the future were, even though most of the piece was spent talking about the plans. I just felt... I mean I guess everybody's priorities are different! But you talk about how Audra had dropped out of biomedical science to major in something else, and how she was complaining that she wouldn't even be an intern until 2016. And then you said that the reason they hadn't had kids yet was because of the economy. Surely she wants to wait to have kids once she's done with college? I just felt overall pretty confused about that. So I think you need to clarify- does she want kids right here right now? Or does she want to hold off until she's done with college? Also, if she's in college and not making much money, how are they going to afford those beautiful dreamy nurseries right away?

-If it is endometriosis, I was confused by how she acted as if she was never going to have children. Most women can conceive within three years of having been diagnosed and treated. Maybe you were trying to show her anxiety even though it was largely unfounded. But it surprised me that she hadn't really spoken to anybody about it and that she had already put herself down as a lost cause. I guess this is just me being a med student! But it just didn't hang well together for me because that didn't make a whole bunch of sense.

Apart from those sort of... factual? I guess complaints, I thought that the voice could have been a little more active. Audra is very passive, very withdrawn from her own story. I think you need to give her more of a place in it. Use the passive voice less often- this is her own diary, she should be talking about her life with herself as the central, active, assertive character. Try getting rid of the word "was" wherever you can. For instance, don't say that Tylor "left her bawling like a baby" (also, maybe unfortunate wording), but say that "I bawled like a baby." Make her the active element in a few more sentences.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




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Mon Aug 12, 2013 11:34 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Ayumi!
I'm a little baffled as to why this hasn't received more reviews. I think the first thing that really struck me that I like about this piece is that its intent is not to deal with really epic and widespread events, but that deep struggle that is kind of just a normal life. So many people have weird illnesses to deal with, who can't do more but work at Arby's and kind of just suffer through every day. So to attempt a narrative about this is an interesting and worthy idea.

It's just that so far the delivery feels kind of odd! For example, this speaker unpacks absolutely ALL of her problems in the first journal entry -- there's hardly any time to get to know her because she wants to mention everything that's wrong with her. I definitely know the impulse to get everything out of the way in the first journal entry of a new diary: there's a whole life to catch up with. But this is not STRICTLY a journal -- it's a piece of fiction, and since it is, we can play with it a little bit. People don't want to read an actual journal. They want to read a story in journal voice and style, roughly. So you can take care of them by not loading all the drama at the front end. Find a different hook -- one more genuine. Making the drama the hook means when it's resolved, we won't really care. Get us hooked in some aspect of the character or something more about their situation, and we can follow the character over the long term.

Also, I know I just said you can make it less like a journal entry, but also kind of make it more like a journal entry in the future. By slowing down, you'll be able to bring scenes into these entries. You'll be able to let the reader see moments and hear the writer's contemplation on these specific times instead of the same general worries about the same big problems.

I mean, I'm still looking forward to reading what happens next. I think there are a lot of problems that not a lot of people deal with on a daily basis and it would be interesting to see how this character can live through it all and how it turns out. Right now, though, the only big scare is that test, and I'm not sure how I'll feel whether it's positive or negative. I also want to -- just 'cause it's what I'm thinking about lately -- see exactly how these people handle the financial situation. Maybe it won't make for good writing. Maybe it won't fit here. But it seems to be a relatively big chunk of their concern!

I hope this review is helpful for you. Feel free to reply to it if you have questions or comments.
Good luck and keep writing!





Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci