z

Young Writers Society



Senior Summer 1

by AyumiGosu17


28 May 2009

Finally. I'm a senior. I have only one year left in high school. And I'm looking forward to it.

Officially a senior. Lieutenant Colonel, the Battalion Commander in JROTC, and Rifle Team Captain. Band Captain. National Beta Club convention, and my last State. At least six honor's cords...thus far. And ranked tenth in a class of one-sixty-one. Not too bad a start, if I say so myself.

But the facts from then are history. I have only the future to look forward to.

Like the fun I had at Fay's house, having driven directly there after school. Wrestling with a two-hundred-pound dog certainly spent the energies built by excitement. Climbing into a willow and then falling into a lake before being tackled again by said dog, right back into the water, made the eighty-five degree weather grand. Army Combat Uniforms are good for one thing, for certain: holding water and serving as personal air conditioners...

But tonight was something more important. Graduation. My chance to say goodbye to everyone before me, like Kelly - the Commander I succeeded - and Lacey - the sister I never had - and Terry - a fellow artist. Sherman, John, Dylan - the class clowns. And Christian - God, the dancer! I could only watch him perform, completely freestyling off the top of his head, in awe...

And I am proud to say I gave them a tribute: I marched with the JROTC Color Guard, in my predecessor's stead. Where Kelly normally stood, marching in the squad, I stood. I bore her Colors, the Colors she has passed to me. And I feel good about it; I showed them - all of the seniors, now graduates - that I care, by being there and doing my best for them. Toward them. In honor of them.

And then my task was done. Then we got the phone call. The one that put a shock in my spine...

My grandmother has had a stroke. Deja vu has fallen over me, for this time last year, at the beginning of June, my father's mother died. By a stroke.

One hell of a way to start your senior summer vacation.

At least I have David, my boyfriend of nine months. I called him, and he was there. Not even ten minutes later. His parents were another story, dragging as if reluctant to be at the hospital, visiting my family, and it infuriated us both. But David's words, as always, were the only comfort I needed.

"God works in mysterious ways. But He didn't take her. Whatever He is planning, He knows what He's doing, and we can trust Him. And as for my mom, I see how selfish she is. Wanting to leave and feed herself the minute we arrive... I'll admit, I'm hungry myself, but with you like this... Hell, yeah, I'm coming, and I'm staying."

That was the only the second time I've ever heard him swear. The first being at the spring musical when an entire scene fell apart because of clumsiness and faulty sound systems...

But I raise my hands in Amen to that. Now, I just pray everything will be all right.

Now, time for bed...if only I could make myself sleep. I'm so upset I'm wide awake, alert... But I have physical therapy for my knee tomorrow morning. Another pain to deal with...wonderful...

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
659 Reviews

Points: 82352
Reviews: 659

Donate
Mon Oct 04, 2021 1:03 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Well, this made for a really nice and light read. I liked the informal sort of voice you used which is reminiscent of a journal's. It gives us the feeling that the narrator is full of life, and whatever she does in life or faces, she does it with passion. You have introduced a very lively voice, that pulls us into this person's world and gives us a glimpse through her eyes. And even though we do not know any of the several characters mentioned or the feat that she is currently celebrating, it is hard not to feel and rejoice along with her.

The way you have narrated this is a little like having a conversation with your self or a close friend, and since this is a journal entry I think that is very appreciable. It knits a closer relationship with the narrator, allowing us to connect with her and sympathize and feel with her.

I also liked how without really going into any big details you gave us a clear glimpse of her life and her relationships with other people. For example, the boyfriend. I will have to say, that the sudden inclusion of the dialogue threw me off a bit as I had not been expecting it, but it works well with the moment you were trying to present to us. It is obvious that they are very much in love and supportive of each other, while it is also evident that his family does not really approve of her or their relationship. Or it could be some other reason that made them behave that way in the hospital, but I liked the fact that you kept it vague leaving the readers to their interpretations.

Now, I did feel that because of the informal voice of narration several times you were repeating certain words. They do not cause much harm to the story, but they fall a little flat along the text. For example,

Now, I just pray everything will be all right.

Now, time for bed...if only I could make myself sleep.

These two sentences come directly after one another, and as a result the word 'now' comes off as a little repetitive.

Overall, this was a good read. I do think that you can work on it and expand it to make into something better, but even so , this is alright.

Keep writing and have a great day!




User avatar
1464 Reviews

Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Sun May 31, 2009 12:40 am
Juniper wrote a review...



Hi Ayumi! June here!

I try not to be judgmental before reading a piece, but I wasn't expecting much from this. To read this, and get more than what I was expecting was invariably refreshing.


My only complaint is that I feel that too many lines begin with "and" or "and then". I know this is a journal entry and you're free to use whatever type of spelling/grammar/whatever you choose, it just stood out to me a bit in places like this:

And then my task was done. Then we got the phone call. The one that put a shock in my spine...


I would eliminate the usage of "And then"; if you drop it, you still have the same perfect meaning and message that was conveyed with it. The choice is yours to keep it or leave it, but I think it looks prettier without.


Also, the very next sentence begins with "then" which pronounces close repetition as it stands; I would definitely eliminate it, or change it to something like "That was when", just to vary it up a bit.



I think that this was really good. It allowed us to see the excitement that senior year holds for you. Brilliant job with this, Ayumi. Keep it up!


Juniper





Plus, we offer technical support for your convenience.
— nasstands (likely a spambot, but a polite one, eh?)