E - Everyone

A Walk in the Woods

Daddy picked me up from school in his beat up, forest green Ranger and brought me home. When the chores were done, we set out. He drove us out to the field where the powerlines cut through the woods. The electric company kept the land clear of trees here, and it was usually covered in budding flowers, plump blackberries, and flowering maypops. He parked to the side of the road and got out of the truck. I climbed out from the back and plopped down beside him. Then, we walked.

The road was dirt and gravel. It sank low in a few places, letting water gather there. The puddles were shallow and clear, and full of tadpoles. I knelt down to look at them and watch the little tails swish, propelling them through the water. I looked at Daddy, half expecting him to tell me to stay out of the water. He smiled and nodded to me. I grinned and splashed my fingers in the puddles, chasing the tadpoles.

Then we walked on, heading deeper into the woods. The sun was still high enough that the sky was bright blue, but it wasn’t as hot. Yellow rays flickered down between the bright, new green leaves of the trees.

“Hey, Audra! Come here!” Daddy called. He stopped beside a bunch of flowers. The petals curled back, and the larger flowers were yellow. He plucked a flower off the vine and pinched a green bead on the back. As he pulled the bead away from the petals, a thin string pulled out of the back of the flower, and clear droplets gathered in the new hole it made. He put the flower to his lips and sucked lightly. “Honeysuckle. Here. It’s sweet.”

He gave me one of the flowers and I tried to copy him. I messed up the first couple of times, but when I finally pulled a good string and put the flower to my lips, I tasted the sweet nectar. I hummed and my eyes must have bulged, because Daddy laughed. “Good, huh?”

“Uh huh! Can I have another one?”

He gave me a handful of them to take with me on the road.

We walked deeper into the woods. The sunlight was more golden now. He took his time, walking slow despite how tall he was. I finished my honeysuckles before we reached the fork in the road. The road split where the woods changed. The pines gave way to a wide open floor, large-trunked trees standing tall and broad. A blanket of leaves covered the floor. One path was overgrown with tall grass and turned out of sight past thick, low bushes. We moved forward, taking the path straight back into the broad trees.

Daddy turned down a trail to the left, veering through a clearing. Grass was sprouting thick and green through the layer of leaves and dead limbs. Trees with curling tan bark, exposing a white underlayer, lined the clearing. The trail turned and wound down the back of a gentle slope. He led the way, and I finally saw it - white sand and clear water, a flickering ribbon winding through the roots of the forest floor.

Daddy walked with me to the edge of the creek. He stepped down in it, the sandy creek bed knee deep on him. He put his giant hands under my arms and hoisted me up, effortlessly, and set me down on the bank with him. My clear rubber sandals sank a little in the damp sand, and cool water tickled my toes. I squeaked and giggled, wiggling my toes closer to the water.

“Does it feel good?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Well, come on. Just watch out for the dark spots. The water is deep there.”

I ran ahead, splashing in the clear water. He let me run. I saw a crawdad with a pale blue body and dark blue spots on its back. It scuttled further downstream. I chased it, but I lost it in the sand. I saw handprints and stared. They were smaller than my own hands, and the fingers were thin and spiky. He told me they belonged to a raccoon. We followed the stream as it winded through the woods, in between trees, under roots, and even created a miniature island. I climbed into the center of the island, maybe as big as my bedroom, and declared it my kingdom. He helped me gather sticks and limbs and build a pretend castle around its edges.

The sunlight began to deepen, glowing more orange now. “Audra? It’s time to go.”

“Aw, Daddy. Do we have to?”

“We do. Mommy’s got dinner, and the woods have to go to sleep.”

“Okay, Daddy… Can we come back tomorrow?”

“We can come back whenever you want to. It’s our secret garden.”

“Yes! Can we get some blackberries?”

“I think I got a bucket for some. You gonna eat ‘em fresh?”

I cackled. “Ew, no!”

“But that’s the best!”

“Nuh-uh!”

We walked back along the creek and made it back to the trail. He walked a little slower, and I matched his stride at first. We neared the last hill that took us back to the powerline field, and Daddy suddenly stopped. He put his hand out to stop me, his whole hand covering my chest. He shushed me, a quiet sound, and slowly pointed at the road ahead. Then I saw it - a doe was standing in the middle of the road, nibbling on fresh grass, with a spotted baby under her belly. They didn’t see us for a few minutes. We watched them until the mama deer led her baby off into the woods.

The sun was low, starting to turn the sky into a kaleidoscope of rainbow hues, by the time we made it back to the truck. I read the clock. It was after six. I chewed on my lip. “Ooo… it’s late, Daddy. Mommy’s gonna be mad.”

“Yeah, maybe. But did you have fun?”

I smiled and nodded. “Uh huh. Wasn’t that baby deer cute?! And did you see the crawfish?! I almost caught it!”

“Well… that’s what matters the most. Come on. You need dinner and a bath.” He cranked the truck up and revved it.

“Daddy? What about the blackberries?”

Comments & reviews · 4
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Random avatar
chunkybean77 Review

Hey!
I want to start off by saying that the way you use descriptions is really refreshing. For example:
"The sunlight began to deepen, glowing more orange now"
It's simple but still visceral enough to draw the reader in. It has a really nostalgic feel. However, one thing I would say is that it may be a good idea to switch up the flow. Most of the sentences have the same length/structure, and start with "I". I understand this may be meant to make the narrator appear more childlike, but it also has a slight effect of taking away expression and emotion from the piece.
Maybe combining this style with some more emotional lines, as well as sentences that vary in structure and in length?
Agreeing with other reviewers, I do think this story lacks a plot. However, that's fine if what you're going for is more of a memoir style, or scene/frame style exercise.
Overall, it's really sweet and I love how you characterized the relationship--well done!

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

Hey! I figured I'd take a look-see at part one, so here we go:

Maybe it just took some time to settle more into the sparse, child-like writing, or maybe it's because there's less dialogue to inherently create different sentence structures, or maybe your intention was to make the narrator significantly younger in part one... whatever the reason, I think the writing quality in this part isn't as strong as it is in Catfish. There are more sentences that begin with 'I,' or the subject of the sentence, and the actions, especially in the paragraphs by the stream, aren't as strong--they're more of a summary of events. The sentences themselves tend to be simpler as well, with very little in the way of transitions between them.

That's not to say it isn't good writing; I just have seen you write more smoothly. There are still a lot of details included here that I'm glad to see, and you actually do a great job tying all of your details into sentences that have action verbs.

The other thing I think would help this is dialogue tags. I don't think you need too many, especially since only two people speak, but a little indicator here and there can go a long way to better establish the tone and body language of the speaker.

I agree with foxmaster that this part is lacking a bit in the plot department. It's okay as an introduction to the larger work, but it's also worth considering that you want to grab your reader with the goal or conflict earlier rather than later.

Anyway, great work. If you add more to this series, I'd love a tag- I'm not much of a green room lurker outside of reviewing events so I won't see updates otherwise.

Best regards,
-Vento

User avatar
NadyaStatham
Review

Salutations, curious mind!



Image

Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I love your use of words along with your vivid descriptions. I am a person who loves good names for their characters and I must say, you did an awesome job with choosing Audra. I think this is a nice little story which could serve as a good prologue for your novel. Lovely title, good choice. Oehhh, now I wonder what happened to the blackberries.

You could work on:✒️

Try to show more emotions in your writing:

Before:
The sunlight began to deepen, glowing more orange now. “Audra? It’s time to go.”

“Aw, Daddy. Do we have to?”
“We do. Mommy’s got dinner, and the woods have to go to sleep.”
“Okay, Daddy… Can we come back tomorrow?”
“We can come back whenever you want to. It’s our secret garden.”
“Yes! Can we get some blackberries?”


After:
The sunlight began to deepen, glowing more orange now. “Audra? Daddy said, his eyes fixed on his precious daughter, It’s time to go.”

Audra frowned and pleaded,“Aw, Daddy. Do we have to?”
“We do. Mommy’s got dinner, and the woods have to go to sleep.” Daddy said, trying to sound convincing. He hated saying no to his little girl.
“Okay, Daddy… Can we come back tomorrow?” Audra’s eyes glittered.
“We can come back whenever you want to. It’s our secret garden.” Daddy winked.
“Yes! Can we get some blackberries?” Audra asked excitedly.


Overall, I think this is a very nice concept you have over here. I would definitely recommend you to continue it, if that’s your wish of course. You should try to place some more emotion in your story, but aside from that this is a very sweet quick read. Once again, amazing title choice. That’s the real reason I chose to review your story.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

User avatar
foxmaster
Review

Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

I loved this story! It was a beautiful, descriptive work, and it was happy, and meaningful to me. It was amazing, and heartwarming. I loved the love to nature and her father that the main character found.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
What I know is a girl's father picks her up from school one day, and after some chores, they go for a pleasant walk in the woods. They see tadpoles, deer, flowers, animals of all kind, but they forget the blackberries- or do they?

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Overall, this was an AMAZINGLY written piece, with barely any errors, so you're making this hard...
But it seemed to me like this story really didn't have much of a plot.
I mean, the girl and her father go for a walk, but I don't really see what's going on. You seem to really describe, and there's nothing much going on here.

“Uh huh. Wasn’t that baby deer cute?! And did you see the crawfish?! I almost caught it!”

It also seems to me here that the ?! isn't really necessary. It would probably be better if you italic-ed it or something.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The trail turned and wound down the back of a gentle slope. He led the way, and I finally saw it - white sand and clear water, a flickering ribbon winding through the roots of the forest floor.

I especially loved the description here, it was so impressive.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, that's it! This was a really amazing, well-described piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
happy writing,
-foxmaster



Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau