Young Writers Society

Don't worry I know you probably are going through the emotions, I was just thinking along a "future note" basis if you ever felt you wanted to get the memoirs published or produced. Anyway, glad to have helped. If you post anymore non-fiction; PM me! I love to help out in this genre.

~Ben

Thanks. It's a really cool program; you should google it - Army JROTC. There must be a million different websites on it, with pictures and schools and such.

That is interesting. I have never heard of this organization before. Your essay is certainly informative. Good luck and keep writing fiction.

Thanks for the critique. I do realize my writing was a bit choppy and repetitive, but I'm currently experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, all due to JROTC, ironically...

Anyway, I appreciate the tips and the link. I'll be sure to check that out.

#0040FF ">Hello Ayumi, I'm Ben. I realise you've mentioned this hasn't yet been edited, but I thought I'd give you a few comments and suggestions, so I hope they help!

AyumiGosu17 wrote:***This has been rated R for future reference #0040FF ">This is currently "Unrated", you might want to edit it to an R rating if thats what you intended. This entire document (including this part and the following parts) is an unedited, first-hand account, including the infamous military language and situations.***

Memoirs of a Battalion Commander

Part One

One

I never thought I would be the person I am today#0040FF ">; and I never dreamed I would be one of the most influential people in the largest school family at Greenville High. I never imagined I would become a military-influenced woman. #0040FF ">I like this introduction, but be way of repeating "I never..." too much, I know you only actually use it twice here, but it's probably once too many.

As a fourth grader, JROTC #0040FF ">(You should put what this means in brackets here to avoid confusion and then at the start of your next paragraph, put the abbreviated "JROTC") was just a different name for the Army. I saw the uniforms, heard the commands,#0040FF ">(no comma needed) and witnessed the seemingly intense training – I looked upon it all, amazed and fearful. #0040FF ">I like that you've kept your feelings simple and blunt, it's more pleasant for the reader and a good move with memoir genres. I was adamant#0040FF ">(Good, independent word choice) that I wouldn’t enlist, but that was before I understood the heart of it all. #0040FF ">Good and links with next paragraph so it's flowing well.

#0040FF ">The JROTC is not about recruiting every single youth for the military. It is #0040FF ">It's (I only say this because to me it flows better and you used "is" in the previous sentence) about motivating young people to become better citizens. #0040FF ">Simple and to the point, I'm not lost or confused so that's good. It teaches life skills#0040FF ">: (Colon to start lists, not a hash) first aid, survival tactics, insurance and wage specifics, decision making, goal setting, and communication; citizenship skills#0040FF ">: (again) government, negotiations, resisting peer pressure and controlled substances, overcoming prejudice and stereotypes, developing respect for self and others, discipline, and tolerance; leadership skills#0040FF ">: (again) defining your Winning Color1, discovering your leadership style2, #0040FF ">I think the numerics should be in superscript or in brackets such as this: (1) and implementing each style in the right way at the prime time; and some military fundamentals, due only to the fact this is a military-funded and military-developed program#0040FF ">: orienteering, flags, ranks and duty positions, drill and ceremony3, pride, teamwork… I know I could go on forever discussing the benefits of JROTC, but why list them? I have lived them. #0040FF ">I like the ending to this, but in terms of your list you need to be a little careful not to over do it. For the majority of reading through it, it felt alright, but nearer the ending of the list it got a bit too much; that's from a reader's point of view though. If you felt it was vital to involve them, then maybe (if you ever decide to publish/produce your memoirs) you could lay it out more suitably, i.e. a bullet point list or something.

JROTC has been a part of me for the last four years, and I know I will miss it once I graduate. But I will never forget the lessons it has taught me.
#0040FF ">Rephrasing suggestion: JROTC has been a part of me for the last four years; I know I will miss it once I graduate, but I will never forget the lessons it has taught me.

This is my unedited story.


***************
1. There are four Winning Colors, each of which define the basics of what kind of person you are. Brown is a Builder – a natural leader; Blue is a Relater – a people-person; Green is a Planner – an artistic, creative thinker; and Red is an Adventurer – a spontaneous, hyperactive person.
2. There are three leadership styles: Directing, where you take total command; Participating, where you work with potential leaders and help them in a one-on-one manner; and Delegating, where you tell others what to do and to do it for you.
3. Drill and Ceremony is a formal marching sequence platoons must perform during an inspection.

#0040FF ">Food for thought: http://www.ioweb.com/civilwar/ <- that is a link to some memoirs written by a 19th C. soldier that I thought you might find quite interesting.

Overall, this is a nicely structured piece, with a few suggestions you might find useful. Keep it up!

~Ben
Drop me a PM if you need any assistance, expecially with Non-Fiction!