z

Young Writers Society


12+

Beastling : Chapter 4

by Auxiira


For my LMS - approximately 850 words

Note: I don't feel like I've got Jamin's voice down yet

_____________________________________________________________

    Jamin shut the door behind him with a short smirk. She had taken the bait. He had been almost certain she would, but it was reassuring to know that prey still worked the way he was used to. Once they started being unpredictable, that was when they became trouble. The female seemed utterly normal... and boring. Jenner had painted the her as cruel, cold, not snivelling. And even if he knew it was surely an act - knew because he had caught her pupils dilating at the mention of beastlings, had caught the hitch in her breathing - he found himself dissatisfied. He had wanted a cold glint in her eye, steel that he could work with and make into what he needed. If she had it, she had buried it far deeper than he could see.

    But Jenner had seen her. He didn't trust many people, no one, really, but he had always assured himself that Jenner was one of the best. So he believed her account to be truthful. If that was the case, then the beastling female didn't drag out that part of herself unless it came to her own kind. A particular cruelty, then, a hatred that was specific, that he wasn't going to question if it fulfilled what he had been looking for. The soft side of her, he could work with - extract and eliminate it.

    He eased through the crowd in the market, tipping the cap on his head at the people who greeted him. Though he was used to being one of the crowd, he had grudgingly admitted to Jenner that the uniform lent a different kind of anonymity. People looked at him but didn't see him. Didn't know him for who he was. Though few people in the barracks knew him for who he was, it was how he liked it. He counted it as a tool, not as a hindrance. The soldiers knew he was there, knew that his second wielded almost the same powers as he did, and never stepped out of line. He was feared and his spies weren't known. And that was how it was meant to be.

    Barely taking in the slight change in the buildings around him as they shifted from civilian homes and shops to the more austere form of the military. His rooms were lodged in a forgotten corner of the barracks, close enough for it not to be a trek for anyone who came, but secluded enough for them to be private – and for it to be easier to tell if anyone had intruded.

    It was ingrained into his being to check for any disturbances, any potential trouble as he moved, and he did just that as he cracked open the door, alert. His attention darted around the room before relaxing as he couldn't find a threat. Before settling into the stuffed chair next to the window, he discarded the jacket in a pile on the floor, dropping the cap on top. The imperial communiqué for the mission still sat where he had left it on the sill, half unfolded, one corner torn. He held it between three fingers and skimmed the letter again.

    The murmurs of an uprising in the mines and of beastlings rebelling had the Emperor concerned. He wanted more surveillance, and he wanted someone to learn of their plans. He hadn't specified how, so Jamin had worked out a plan of his own making, the way he knew the Emperor trusted him to. And this was his solution. A beastling to watch other beastlings. It was the easiest way, if anyone thought about it truthfully. And the hold they had over beastlings was an advantage that he could use.

    And he would. He could change that female, make her into something worthwhile to the army. It was something he had discussed with the emperor before, but that had never been approved. This once though, this once, he had been allowed to. There had been urgency in the Emperor's manner, and fear. So Jamin had been given free reign, and that was all he needed. If he could show the benefits of the human dominance, then there was something else he could take out of this. But asserting that dominance on a creature that hadn't submitted before...

    A feral grin twisted his features upwards. He knew how he would do it. Chase her, and enjoy the chase, enjoy the sight of her fear and her running from the inevitable. And if the chase didn't break her, then that was the next step – fracture whatever was left until all she did was follow his orders, until she would jump from a cliff at his command. And from what he had seen, getting her to spy on her own wouldn't be hard. Employ her hatred and hone it. He knew how powerful that could be. The grin spread as he stretched and settled again. He would enjoy this indeed.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:41 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Oh look, another chapter I can review :)

Specifics

1.

Jamin shut the door behind him with a short smirk. She had taken the bait. He had been almost certain she would, but it was reassuring to know that prey still worked the way he was used to. Once they started being unpredictable, that was when they became trouble. The female seemed utterly normal... and boring. Jenner had painted the her as cruel, cold, not snivelling sniveling.


2.
Barely taking in the slight change in the buildings around him as they shifted from civilian homes and shops to the more austere form of the military.
Your sentence structure is off here. If you start with 'barely' you need to provide an action after it. It's like putting 'Barely looking around.' No matter how long you make the first clause, it feels like an unfinished sentence if you start that way. You could instead have 'He barely took in the slight change in the buildings around him as they shifted from civilian homes and shops to the more austere form of military.' and that would work.

3.
It was ingrained into his being to check for any disturbances, any potential trouble as he moved, and he did just that as he cracked open the door, alert.
A lot of this chapter is very 'telling' and instead of letting us learn what this man is like, you tell us and then show us so it feels repetitive. Here you could simply describe him checking for disturbances and we will learn that he is a man who does that.

4. Why trust one beastling when you could use many. Has he considered that? He seems an intelligent man and not a risk taker so why would he pin everything on one girl? If he is thinking of sending multiple beastlings, it would be good to see that in his thinking.

Overall

This chapter is a bit too clunky and too 'let's have the bad guy tell the reader all his plans'. It doesn't feel authentic and not much happens, in fact we spend pretty much the whole chapter in his head and it's only a slightly interesting place to be. I want to see this man do things which chill me to the core. I want to worry about what he might intend to do with the beastlings and having a chapter where he is scary and awful and we learn nothing about him would be much more effective than this. This humanises him too much and not in a scary way - we can see that he's not a nice guy but he has logical processes and on some level we can understand him and it's a little too early for that. First I want to be afraid of him and then to understand him at a point where that understanding will only make the fear worse.

I think it would be nice if we could see more of what Jamin does on a daily basis and what kind of dealings he already has with the beastlings. As he's so fascinated by them and loves so much to break them, does he keep one as a pet? Does he use them around the military camp? Is this normal military procedure or frowned on by those around him? I feel like there are a lot of questions left unanswered and it would be more interesting to learn more about him outside of the situation with Linna. We get to see him from her point of view in her chapters and I'd like to see you dig into his character outside of that. If that makes sense?

Catch you later!

~Heather




User avatar
896 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 896

Donate
Fri Sep 11, 2015 5:08 am
View Likes
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Xillabot,

You're right when you suggest you don't have Jamin's voice down yet. At least, it's definitely not translating through the text into something I can get behind. It's inconsistent with both how he was with Jenner and how he was as a pretend solider - although you wrote pretend soldier very well, I knew it was Jamin but it felt believable.

There's a bit too much internalisation in this for me, I think. It becomes a little repetitive and rambly because we need to move back a little bit before we continue with his thoughts. You do some great description in other chapters that I think would be very useful here. Is his home spartan, busy, tidy but occupied? Is he doing something while he's lost in his thoughts? We don't need to know everything he's doing at every second of course, but I feel like a break from being inside his head would be useful to the clarity of the chapter.

I also think that his passion over Linna is weird. I mean, this happens in novels a lot where a "bad guy" fixates on the MC really quickly? I don't think that it is necessarily justified through his talk. Does he not have another beastling he already controls that he can manipulate into controlling others? Why would he decide she has to be the one, after meeting her only once and from a second hand account of abuse of beastlings?

That might all be getting ahead of myself and your narrative. I think I can expect to see these things clarified as we go through the chapters, but if they're not, please consider what I've said. I really hate the sudden fixation thing, it's just so unrealistic.

Thanks, as always, for posting!
<3




User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 472

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:10 pm
View Likes
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here again to review for the Review Day! :D

He had been almost certain she would, but it was reassuring to know that prey still worked the way he was used to.


Hmm, I think you aren't referring to Jamin with the second "he". I think that better be replaced by "she" as the prey here refers to the beastling.

Jenner had painted the her as cruel, cold, not snivelling.


No need for the "the", and "cruel, cold" sounds smoother if wrote "cruel and cold". Just a suggestion.

Barely taking in the slight change in the buildings around him as they shifted from civilian homes and shops to the more austere form of the military.


I think you should put in a "he" before "barely" as a subject. The sentence sounds more complete like that.

Overall, I just want to say that although Jamin's foundation of sadism and lack of respect or empathy on the beastlings aren't really firm, I can totally see his genuine perspective of seeing them as mere tools and nothing more. I seriously dislike him as he's really just a well-made character - kudos to you - and being a villain he is, he distinguishes himself with other typical villains.

While this chapter talks about Jamin, it doesn't really move the plot further. I mean, there's no action in here, no decision making, just Jamin and his thoughts. I would like to see more interaction between him and his second, Jenner, as it would make the chapter more interesting and their relationship more established. I also feel like until now, we still haven't knew human's real perspective on beastlings which can be fleshed out.

Other than that, I think you have a solid writing style that is slowly making itself different than other's. I dunno on what aspects that they do but if you blend this with solid plot and events, this novel can be a better one. My only suggestion is to reread your chapter one or two times to notice the minor errors or typos that you accidentally made. Keep up the good job! :)




Auxiira says...


Hey Light! Thanks for the review, as always <3

For the first one, I am referring to Jamin, as in I am saying that he is used to "prey" acting in a certain way, and is glad they still do. In the others, they're... typos, of sorts.

On Jamin, his character flaws'll be developed later on, but yeah, his sadism will have a basis. Lack of respect and empathy are really just part of the whole mentality of humans in this country.

The next few chapters are going to be the same, I've been struggling with the chapters >.>

Seeing as I've gotten into the bad habit of posting these just before midnight, I don't really re-read >.>



Lightsong says...


Hahaha, I see. I hope you keep it going, I'm liking the story so far! It's realistic and fantasy-like at the same time. :p



Auxiira says...


I hope so to xD




pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn