Young Writers Society

Haiii Auxi!

Specifics

1. This is the start of the new chapter and even though you've titled it with her name, we need to know who she is. Always start a new chapter by re-establishing the basics: who's in this scene, where is this scene set and what's the pace/ mood of this scene? A reader will be more easily immersed in your story when they know what ground they're standing on.

2. Does Linna want to show off her ears or does she want to have normal ears to show off? I think that distinction would help us understand more about her - I don't know yet if she's self loathing or angry with the people who treat her kind so differently. Does she hate her body or just that it's hers?

3.

As Linna brought up the price of the book, the lady watched her. Her stare became unconfortable uncomfortable as Linna handed her the book in a small paper bag. The young woman shifted on her feet, not meeting the lady's eyes as she started to separate the boks books into different stacks.

She took a breath to stablise stabilise herself before giving the lady a shakey shaky smile. “I'm very sorry, it tried to... touch me, and it gave me quite the fright.”

Linna took a deep breath through her nose, then paused. Was that gunpowder she could smell? Surely not. A woman from the higher spheres had no need to play with gunpowder. It was surely her nose playing tricks on her. She let out her breath, then ruturned returned to placing the books on the bookshelves.

“She wouldn't last a day with other beastlings, is what I mean. But we can work on that.” He looked up from the file, a pensive moue [Mole?] pulling his lips together. “You can go. I'll take it from here.” He looked back down to the file. “Good job.”

Hey Xilla,

I'm enjoying the progression of the story thus far, I like that you're giving small hints tho I still recall you'll expand chapters later, which is actually a great idea because I feel like you could be expanding on some elements of description.

Nitpicks are for other people to talk about, you've got a million reviews again so I'm sure people will have covered the redundancies and the like. You don't have many of them, mostly they're probably quirks of syntax related to dialect rather than strict grammar issues.

I think that your pacing is on point but the cuts between scenes/Linna's actions are a little awkward in places. Particular when she goes to get the cub and returns, it feels disconnected or something, rather awkward. This is also the case when we swap perspectives - though I super like the use of The Man as our subheading, it fits really nicely. I can only assume these people are perhaps military or such, I like the suggestions without the facts. Too many novels tell you everything all at once without letting the reader settle into the world first. I do think we need a bit more settling before The Man, but that will happen when you expand.

Characterisation: The Man is fine, I don't have any queries about his behaviour. The woman, on the other hand, feels a little... undecided in terms of her actions here. She drops the file on the table (with a feeling of carelessness/tension?) and is frank and a little snarky "Her mind probably works faster than yours though." but then in the end she's glowing with his small compliment. I suppose there are people who are actually like that in the world but in this case it feels a little contrived? Or not contrived but uneven. If you want to do well, you want to do well, but you don't add little sassy comments to your reporting. But I might be looking too closely at it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, when I'll read the next chapter.
- <3

Back for 1.2!

Happy Review Day~

In the first line you have 'arms' and 'arm' in quite close vicinity to one another, which creates a teensy bit of repetition--I'd suggest just cutting 'in her arms' out because it feels like superfluous detail.

Okay, so the main issue I have with this chapter-part is pacing. The scene from 1.1 is completed and we jump-cut straight to the man; this isn't done all-too-subtly, either. While I'm really fond of the stylistic choices you've employed here, as well as the lovely hold on atmosphere you're reigning, I'm going to have to suggest keeping the part with the man as a separate chapter, or even dividing the chapter with an asterisk while weaving us subtly into the scene. The PoV shift was also ... odd. It reads like the kind of Third Person Limited that's prevalent in Harry Potter, with us entering Linna's thoughts, but not so very often.

What I think this chapter needs a bit more of, in a nutshell:

1) Setting + scene

2) Sensory description

3) Hints of worldplaying/building.

Also, I'm going to complain about how we're lacking description here. Everything seems to be floating mid-air and I realise this might be you experimenting with style, but I think a small amount of setting is necessary in a story that depends so heavily on worldbuilding and a society that appears to be so ... different ... from our own.

Writing is as much about aesthetics as it is about telling a story. c: While I'm enjoying what you're unrolling so far, I'd also like something heavier to chew on, like specifics that you can deliver to us subtly, instead of info-dumping which /might/ be the end-result when your reader has entered a moving plot without much background on the world or the characters' histories. I think you could take advantage of Third Person Omniscient. This is a suggestion, because so far it's TPL, but I think TPO could up your game by allowing you to both manoeuvre the storyline + situations better, as well as get into your characters heads and allow for quite a bit of dramatic irony.

Again, that's just a suggestion~

Moving on--BACKSTORY. I needz backstory. I'd also be a fan of seeing Linna interact with the owner of the store perhaps, to build up the vibe, and so we can see how she's managed to keep her actual identity so discreet for so long. I have so many questions for her. SO MANY. You'd better answer the whys and wherefores of her in the next chapters, Auxii. I demand it. I would also suggest spending a bit more time with Linna when you re-write this, perhaps introduce a minor conflict before the main one, like her struggling to hide her identity while on the job, or the shop owner thinking it suspicious that she wears a hat indoors, or something along those lines to make Linna's being what-she-is more realistic. I also think it'd allow the readers to connect to her more if you pushed the scene with the man ahead--we can't really worry for her or feel excited much because the world is still a little vague.

I will reiterate what I said about adding more emotional input via the characters in 1.1. Emotion and facial expressions can convey a lot~

Overall, I am digging this. Have I told you already? If not, I shall now. You have managed to well and truly snag me, but you must now quench the thirst for providing answers by adopting more of a measured pace and keeping us up-to-date with things as we go along!

Hope this helped. Onwards to 2.1!

Keep it up~ Keep writing!

Cheers,

Pomp x

Oh, poor cub =( I hope things change for the beastlings!
Now I'm getting REALLY SUPER curious about what the heck is going on with the beastlings. who is this woman who turned Linna in, and who is this man? Is the woman some sort of spy? is the man a detective? It really hurts me that Linna could be so cruel to a child, even if he is seen as a slave or whatever.
And what is this mysterious gunpowder smell? So many questions! I'm excited for the next chapter! I love the style of your writing. It's detailed and complex and intricate but not so that it's overwhelming. It's just right (in my opinion at least).
Just a few nitpicks here:

You repeat "smoothing/smoothed" in the second and third paragraphs.

There are two spelling mistakes in the 4th paragraph.

You misspelled "returned" in the last paragraph before the second section.

Other than that, everything seemed great to me!

-Hawk out

Heyo Auxii, Flite here for a review. I didn't review on the previous chapter since you've already got reviews on it. I want to focus on the content and style here rather than the technical aspects. So let's get to it.

The general pace of the chapter isn't bad, however the transition between Linna and the Man was slightly abrupt and there wasn't enough time to truly flesh out the characters or Linna's scene. But given that there is a deadline, this is understandable. Let's take a look at these separate parts, starting with Linna.

Linna's POV opens with a store with books. If his a bookshop then why is there a cub in it? I would have actually liked more descriptions of the environment she was in just to set the mood for the chapter, as well as contextualizing the chapter for the readers.

Smoothing along the pile, she found the bumping of their spines against her fingers soothing.

Hurrying out from behind the counter, her heart was in her throat, beating faster than she had felt in a long time.

“I'm incredibly sorry for that.” The woman looked Linna up and down before turning to the cub. “Filthy animal.” The snap of her hand on its cheek filled the shop. Linna closed her eyes, forcing herself to not appear tense. That could be her. Just an animal. She could almost feel the grime on her skin where the cub's fingers had grazed her skin. Her eyelids flicked open and she smiled.

I have been meaning to review this, so I'm here to review!

First of all, I want to praise you on how you manage to give us interesting bits of information like Linna being envy to the lady who has ringlets. It makes me wonder why she's envious to that degree, and as the story progresses, I find my answers satisfyingly, which means there's no info dumping here. Congrats!

Her hair curled around her ear in soft, blonde ringlets and Linna felt a flash of hot jealousy, even though she smiled.

The lady held up the book she was holding with a slight tilt of her head. “This one. I've been waiting for it to come out for a while now.” She closed the book and smoothed down the cover with a gloved hand, then came to the counter.

...unconfortable...

A few more centimetres and she would have been found out, would have been killed.

She took a breath to stablise herself before giving the lady a shakey smile.

...ruturned...

The file landed on his desk with a small thump as the woman before him dropped it there with a frustrated frown.

The woman before him dropped it on his desk with a small thump and a frustrated frown.

I enjoyed reading this piece of the chapter- it definitely caught my interest. Okay. I think your writing is pretty good, but you have to be careful about specifying things. For instance, in the first paragraph of "The Man" section, the phrase "the woman before him dropped it there with a frustrated frown." sound strange, almost as if she is using her frown to drop the paper, not frowing as she is dropping it.
Also, this transition in actions-
" Almost. A few more centimetres and she would have been found out, would have been killed. She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe normally.

The cub pawed at her ankle as she untied it from the wall. “Sister,” it whispered. “Sister, why?” Without thinking, she lashed out, her foot connecting with its chest. Her fists shook next to her sides." is very confusing. She goes from one moment recovering from a close miss at the counter, to untying the cub. The shift of focus is jarring, and can confuse the reader.

Good writing, though- keep it up!