For my LMS - approx 1100 words
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"Reana, you have been chosen! Your automatons come to life! Why can you not see that you have another calling in this world?" Thita gripped her elbow, turning her around to face the glorious redhead.
"Because if I do, I'll lose you!" The women's lips crashed togeth-"
Linna sighed as she perched on the edge of the counter, leafing through the latest book to arrive in her store and trying to determine which section to put it in. The plot seemed at first to be just the usual adventure, but it had certainly taken a steamy turn between the two protagonists. Romance was what she was leaning towards, though it was always a wrestle to classify them properly. Turning the pages, she returned to skimming the text.
A strand of pale hair fell in front of her eyes and she reached back to pin it to the side of her head, glancing around the small store. She appreciated the cosy feel the owner cultivated, with armchairs at the ends of aisles, and small stacks of books perched on every surface. She could lose herself in the tiny labyrinth of the shop, and find herself transported to far away lands. Trailing a stray finger down the book's spine, she let a small smile tug her lips upwards, glad that the owner didn't mind her reading the stock.
The bell above the door jingled brightly as someone entered. She put down the book she was holding and turned to greet them, then stopped short, her eyes fixed on the child next to the sweeping skirts. He couldn't have been older than five, even though he was malnourished. Spindly fingers picked at a loose thread on the rag he wore, before his master twisted his ear between two manicured nails.
He whimpered, then sniffed. A frown drew his pale eyebrows together before his lips pulled to one side. His glare darted across the floor, never looking up, but his nose twitched and his matted ears cocked towards her curiously. His tail flicked behind him playfully and he shifted on his feet. Linna knew he had recognised her as one of them, that he wanted to play, like any kitten would. A spike of ice drove itself into her stomach.
“Horrific, isn't it?” A cool voice dragged her attention back to the beastling's master. She looked at the lady, slightly wide-eyed, not needing to fake her shock.
“Yes, ma'am.” Linna glanced her up and down, taking in the expensive watch attatched to her chest pocket and the decorative gears on her top-hat. Fur fringed her collar and as Linna stared at it, the lady stroked it appreciatively
“Tails from fox beastlings. Purged of any filth of course.”
Linna swallowed, then fixated a smile on her face. “It's gorgeous, ma'am.” She felt the boy's eye's flick to her for a second, before returning to the floor. She cocked her head at the lady and made her smile apologetic. “I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't allow... those creatures in the store, especially cubs. They dirty the books. I hope you understand, ma'am.”
“Of course. Is there somewhere I can leave it? I've had three run away already, I don't want to have to have another one put down.” Her lip curled distastefully as she took the leash from her belt.
“I'll take it there, ma'am. Please have a look around the books. We've had some new stock in recently.” Linna took the leash from the ladies fingers and moved towards the door.
Her fingertips touched the child's back reluctantly, guiding him out of the store. She pinched the leash between her digits, resisting the urge to grab its ear and twist it so he'd stop showing the excitement. She knew, gods, she knew how hard it was at that age to control it, to control everything, but her life depended on him stopping the urge to twist and play.
Her steps trailed to a stop next to the metal ring embedded in the wall and the leather of the leash snapped as she pulled on it to stop the child. A small whimper escaped his lips and he glanced at her with wide, slitted eyes. She shuddered. At least her pupils were round.
“Sit.” She ordered, pointing to the floor. He stared up at her, ears tilting to one side as he cocked his head at her. “Sit or I'll kick you.” His eyes darted to the floor, then he scrambled to his knees, his tail curling around his stomach.
Linna tied the leash to the ring and stepped back, narrowing her eyes at the child. His ears still twitched, and the tip of his tail tapped against his side. She could hear a low burble from his throat and he shifted on his knees, still playful.
“Put your hand out on the floor.” He glanced up at her, then placed it out, laying it flat. His eyes shine with the naïve belief that this was a game. “If you tell anyone, even your owners, that I'm here, then I'll find you, and you will not like how I play.” She stepped forwards onto his hand, grinding her heel on it until he whimpered. “Understand?”
He nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. She stepped back, glaring at him as he cradled his hand to his chest before turning on her heel annd returning to the store, affecting her salesgirl smile again.
“Have you found anything that's to your liking, ma'am?”
“Not yet. You do have a good selection though.” The lady turned to look at her. “The cub didn't give you any trouble, I hope.”
Linna shook her head. “No problem at all, ma'am. It's just in the courtyard for you when you leave.” She stepped behind the counter. “I'll be in the back of the store. If you need me, do feel free to ring the bell, ma'am.” The lady nodded.
Linna darted into the storeroom, placing a hand on her chest as she took a shakey breath. Glancing around, she opened the door into the bathroom, bolting it behind her. She reached up, feeling her ears under her hat, checking that they hadn't shifted from where she had pinned them flat to her hair. Looking in the mirror, she made sure that her hair still hid the fact that she didn't have any ears on the side of her head, refusing to meet her pale blue eyes reflected on the glass surface, then unbolted the door. She couldn't let a cub rattle her. It wouldn't change anything. She couldn't let it change anything.
End of chapter
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Haiiii! I'm trying a new tactic for review day, it's called pre-reviewing chapters of novels which are in the green room in the hopes of then reviewing those chapters on review day so let's see how this goes...
Specifics
1. The first paragraph is a little confusing as I'm not sure if there are two people present or three. Is one of the speakers the redhead or is this a third person? I think giving us a little more description either as part of this paragraph or before the dialogue will give us a clearer picture and a smoother introduction to your story.
2. I'm not sure how I feel about the pan back and the first part being part of a book. It feels a little bit jarring and I wonder if we really need it. I'd say not if the book holds no further significance.
3.
4.
5.
Overall
The introduction of the beastlings is very smooth and immediately grabs my attention and makes me want to invest some time in this novel. It's a great piece of world building to open with. There's also a lot of emotion in this piece, particularly surrounding her treatment of the cub and the harshness of that helps us understand the position these creatures are in and what's at risk for our MC which softens our attitude toward her without making us love her yet. But that's nice. It's a brave move to start out a novel and not paint the MC in a perfect light.
I would mind seeing this chapter slowed down a pace and feeling a bit more of Linna's fear and seeing some more interaction with her and the cub in the back room. She's very quick to put him in his place but what if she didn't quite get there fast enough? I'd like to hear him speak, maybe even voice out loud what it is she fears and that might increase our sympathy for him if he gets a speaking role in the chapter but also out indecision as to whether we like Linna or not.
I'd also suggest less time giving us the details of the book and a little more time describing the store and just how content she is there. Maybe a sense of how long she has been there would help us to understand a little more about her and I agree with Pen that we need some familiarity with the owner - a name from the start would be best.
See you around!
~Heather
Thank you for the review, Ry!
OHAI XILLA!
You hollered at me to read this and I am here and have read this, the first chapter! (go me) I'm going to lay into you now.
I actually quite like this chapter. It is short and I understand that you're going to beef these up later on as you progress, but there is a sense we're missing out on a possibility of more. As it is, you do well to condense a bit of key information and characterisation into a relatively short section of writing.
You need to give your owner a name and use it instead of "The owner" because by the time it happens the second time it feels hectic awkward. This is in her perspective, she knows who the owner is and in our own heads we don't think of people as their labels, usually. This doesn't apply to the lady or the cub, they're chill.
There are a couple of redundancies. I've not read the other reviews, so I don't know if people have picked up on these yet - I'll only mention a couple in any case. In the second paragraph you don't need to say "small" store, you tell us it is cosy and then comment on it's size again later, so skip this one. In the third paragraph she puts down the book "she was holding" you don't need that bit, we already know she's holding it or she'd not put it down (and she was reading it to begin with).
You've got some good, clear description and characterisation and it looks like it should progress really well - I know you've got other chapters and some good traction going with them so I look forward to reading more soon!
Thank you for the review, lovely <3
Loving this so far, I might write you a review sometime!
Howdy, Auxii! Finally here to review~
Happy Review Day!
(Also, I'm typing this out on a phone; pls ignore typos.)
So, I'm going to reiterate what Blues said about removing the second quotation-mark around the first two paras. Either that, or--if you feel like the italics aren't enough of a division from the main chapter--you could have single-quotation marks on both sides of the italicised text instead.
Nitpicky business!
1)
'glorious redhead' is vague and off-putting. I understand that the first two paras, their characters, the character's appearances, etc. aren't that important except that they serve as the basis of entry into the story, which is why I'd advise cutting out even the smallest of appearance-related info. The reader, at this point, is unaware that the first para is not the actual story. A clunky sentence that floats mid-air only secures disinterest. Because the first para doesn't act as much of a hook (for me at least), I'd advise being concise with it. Suggestion: replace the emboldened bit with something simpler like 'Thita gripped her elbow and spun her around'/whatever suits you!
2]
^There's a pretty loose personification game the narrator's playing here. Image-wise, I found that the spindly fingers gig versus the manicured nails gig clashed quite a bit. This is easily sorted out if you say: 'His spindly fingers...' and 'before his master twisted his ear between two of her manicured nails'.
Hm, everything else seems to have been caught, grammar-wise, so I'll just talk general.
So I really enjoyed reading this and I also enjoy Linna as a character because I'm fond of characters with obvious faults; it gives them so much room for character development. I read somewhere that unsympathetic characters as MCs aren't wise, mostly because they tend to remain static throughout the novel, seeing as their faults remain to them ... justified. As an unsympathetic character, I'm keen to see what Linna goes through, because--and this is the best way to deal with a character that is likely to remain static--their circumstances throw them into reacting, and it alters their personalities in two ways: a) for the better, or b) for the worse.
I have a feeling we're heading towards a B as far as root personality is concerned, but there's probably going to be a whole lot of change where surface level traits are concerned (I remember you mentioning in chat how you were going to torture Linna, so.
That said, so far I have a handful of ways I can describe Linna: 1) She's paranoid, but also clever if she's hidden the fact that she's not human for so long, and isn't a poor, helpless(?) thing like this beastling 'ere. 2) She's learned to be selfish in order to survive.
At this point, I don't really understand Linna entirely, nor can I connect/vouch/sympathise with the parts of her that require sympathy. A suggestion for as you carry on with the novel would be to throw Linna into things, yes, but also place a lot of focus on her reactions to whatever actions are thrown at her. An effect to the cause, yeah? By effects, I don't just mean her running away from danger (or major things like that), to clarify. I mean a) emotional introspection (which ultimately paves the way to understanding an unsympathetic character, even if it does not allow for as much char. development), and b) subtle gestures and quirks. I find that the latter is always extremely helpful. Shaky fingers convey nervousness; patting the hat and tugging it down convey paranoia and uncertainty. You show Linna glaring at the beastling and regarding it with a general air of distrust and contempt, which firmly embeds how she feels towards them, but--that's just one aspect of who she is, and I wish you would take us a little more slowly with her. Just a tad.
Besides getting to see inside Linna's head, I'm also keen to get some backstory on her. Plus, worldbuilding! As a first chapter, it isn't very firm in its foundation as of yet, seeing as there are some places where the description is a little vague--but it's good so far. I think the introduction of the beastling as 'the child' might have been a bit vague and off-putting for some people, so I'd also suggest being a bit more concrete in what you say instead of beating about the bush.
By the by, I'm assuming this is Third Person Limited perspective? Because it certainly reads as such, but there's not nearly as enough introspection as I think would be suited to a TPL piece. Third Person Omniscient would also work with what you've got going here, but this isn't TPO for many reasons, partly because the narrative is so focussed on Linna and lacks those subtle chunks of info + worldbuilding. (Which can totally be inserted otherwise, in a TPL piece as well.)
Overall, for a first chapter, I'm intrigued--there isn't much immediacy, which works fine, and it's interesting enough, with a lovely enough writing style, to keep me going! (I've already read most of the chapters, and I can safely say the writing style gets smoother as we go along, as do other things!)
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Hope this helped~
~Pomp c:
Hello! Hawk here for a review
Let me start with the nitpicky stuff (there wasn't a whole lot.)
I agree with Blues about the quotation after togeth-, it was a bit confusing.
In the first and second paragraph, you repeat the word "perched."
You misspelled "attached" here.
It should be "eyes," not "eye's".
You change tenses here. I would rewrite this as: His eyes were shining with...
you threw an extra "n" in your "and".
"Shaky" is misspelled here.
Soooo I absolutely loved this! I totally understand the beastling thing. I can see why Linna would be terrified to be discovered and treat the child that way, given how the child's "master" treated him. Could you maybe describe the beastling a little more though? I know he's got a tail and cat-like ears, but that's about it. Is he completely covered in fur? Is it normal for him to walk on two legs, or four? What color is his skin/fur? I imagine many of these questions may be answered further on, but I also get the feeling that beastlings can come in great variety, considering no one suspects Linna of being one. I think the content was great, and the hook was even better. Can't wait to see what's in store for Linna and the beastlings!
Hey Hawk! Thank you for the review!
Yeahhhh.. spelling mistakes >.> Also shakey is an alternative spelling of shaky.
Apart from that, for the description, last time I wrote something substantial, I put too much description in, and I'm just trying out a different way of writing.
I'll add you to the tag list!
ahh, I did not know that about shakey!
And thanks! I appreciate it
Very good! The only problem I had was at the beginning. With the womens lips crashing or something but other than that a little more detail would be nice.
*Stretches review muscles*
Gooooood morning. Here to review!
I’d remove the speech mark after “togeth–” – I thought it was someone speaking initially.
I’m wondering if “the corner of her lips” would be better here; the current image seems like she’s wrinkling her nose at something foul.
Missed a full stop there
Hm, okay. I’ll admit that I was slightly confused when the child is introduced; a tail is mentioned and then there’s a reference to a kitten, leading me it wonder if the child isn’t human and is some kind of animal, but the way he is described elsewhere suggests he is a human child. Is there something that physically differentiates a cub and their master?
I really like Linna’s cruelty towards the child and yet we see her own panic about this too – there’s some kind of inkling that Linna is just like the child and I love how she is hostile to one of her own. I think all the information (physically) you’ve provided of her is adequate enough to show on which side she falls though. I like how it’s quite subtle, although I would like to see more of her physical reaction to having to control the cub like that, both while she’s doing it and when she runs to the back (at which point we’re not shown enough that this is different, I’d say).
The reason I say that is because as a reader I’m not really sure as to how to react to Linna. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Am I supposed to hate her? How am I supposed to react to her grinding her heel into the cub’s hand? I feel like perhaps more of her own personal reaction as she does so would really solidify the difference between how she feels and how she acts – or even perhaps something about how she’s growling at him to put his hand out on the floor as there isn’t any clue as to how the audience is supposed to react from this. I get the impression that this is all normal for most but evidently it isn’t something that Linna particularly enjoys.
Like here:
In this paragraph, for example, it’s almost as if Linna is doing this emotionlessly. Which may very well be the case, but there’s no indication of this actually being true and instead feels like we’ve missed something here.
Overall, however, I did really enjoy this. Is there another part to this chapter? Because there most certainly should be. There’s obviously a lot of background, which I’m excited to read about later on. It almost reminds me of slavery with an incredible amount of dehumanisation tooand I’m very excited to read more!
Any questions, fire away. Keep writing!
Bluesy
P.S. One of the characters in my Chinese textbook is called Lin Na and I keep pronouncing Linna the Chinese way >_>
Hey, Auxi! I figured since I liked this chapter so much, I'd drop by and review it <3
To preface this, I am usually a huge stickler for good beginnings. A hook is half the reason someone's reading your novel, at least in the first couple of chapters—however, this is the first chapter of a first draft, so I'm going to be a little more lenient on it and just point out that it could probably use some tweaking in a future draft.
I actually really liked the content of this chapter. I think you pulled off emotional reactions well, and I liked the characters you presented to us and the world you started unveiling, so let me go on about that first.
Obviously, the reader isn't meant to believe that Linna is 100% in the right concerning her actions towards the cub, but I think you did a good job of setting up a protagonist that's unsympathetic and yet sympathetic at the same time. She puts on a good façade, but there are a lot of people (and a lot of readers of fiction) who have had to hide aspects of themselves and condemn other people like them for the sake of their own lives. So I think that this was a good job of not only having a somewhat desperate unsympathetic character, but one that connects to various real-life interactions in society.
As far as the world, oh my gosh do I want to read more about this place. I hardly know anything about it, but I want to read every novel set in this world and all the companion pieces and the Ultimate Guide (tm) and just bask in the politics and society of this world. Maybe it's me being a sucker for worlds that are obviously imperfect from the top of the novel, but I'm itching to see how this unfurls.
Okay, okay, fangirling done. Onto the next bit: What I didn't like as much. Like I said, I really liked the content. What mechanical aspects can make the content less readable?
Grammar/punctuation. I'm not going to be a stickler for this as much, or write out a full grammar compendium in this review, but I'm going to let you know that you should probably make friends with comma rules. You have a lot of sentences with multiple independent clauses and no commas, which can make them difficult to read or follow, because there's no pause between the actions.
Syntax. This kind of ties into grammar, in that it's mainly a grammatical problem, but in this case, it's not that you're doing anything wrong. Mostly, I find that a lot of your sentences in a paragraph are pretty similar, and that brings it almost into a lull of monotony.
In some parts, such as the beginning when Linna is alone, that can be used to effect to show the character's emotions and outlook through the form. In other parts, like when Linna is walking the cub out of the store, it makes it feel like she's not really having any emotions, even though you've clearly written in both the emotions and her reactions to them.
I'm not saying to make every sentence wildly different from those before and after. I'm just warning you that when you have a lot of subject-verb-object (SVO) sentences in a row, and many of your subjects are the same ("she", "her [thing]", etc.), it can get a little hard to read fluidly.
Those are the two big ones. Other than that, I urge that you pay attention to consistency when you're using something like the code—most of your paragraphs are indented, but the one starting with "He nodded" isn't, so you'll want to keep an eye out for that.
And did I mention I am seriously digging this yet? Because I so am. I'd be stoked if you'd keep me notified for updates on this!
Thank you Arky <3
Haaahh, the grammar and syntax are quite French of me. I need to pay more attention to that >.>
I had so much trouble with the beginning, and yeah, I will re-work it at a later date.
:3 for all the compliment ilu. I really like Linna as a character because she isn't sympathetic, which is more fun to write. Also, haha, you'll learn more about the world and everything in the next chapter and later on. (But I may also write an info post, cause that could be fun)
I'll definitely link you for the next chap! (It'll be on the 26th-27th, just so you know, when I get back from camp).
Thank you again!
Yo! NafaKitty here! Just dropping in to shoot ya a review!
"A strand of pale hair fell in front of her eyes and she reached back to pin it to the side of her head, glancing around her small store."
This sentence started off good, but the ending where you add in that she was glancing around her small store, I don't think it really fits in that sentence.
Then, in the next sentence you say that she liked the feel the owner cultivated. I was under the impression she was the owner because you called it her store. Maybe clarify that slightly?
"He whimpered, then sniffed. A frown drew his pale eyebrows together before his lips pulled to one side. His glare darted across the floor, never looking up, but his nose twitched and his matted ears cocked towards her curiously. His tail flicked behind him playfully and he shifted on his feet. Linna knew he had recognised her as one of them, that he wanted to play, like any kitten would. A spike of ice drove itself into her stomach."
That entire paragraph seemed to come out of nowhere. The boy could tell she was one of them? What is "one of them"? Why are there suddenly people with animal attributes? Does she have these attributes as well?
Okay...so these creatures are slaves and not considered creatures at all really....that's extremely sad.
Oh...she does have animal attributes okay...that's cleared up. I'm going to assume her tail is tucked into her pants or skirt or whatever it is she's wearing on her legs?
Anyways. This story does seem very interesting, and I would like to read some more. Let me know when you publish the next chapter!
Sincerely-
NafaKitty
She has a small tail, like a lynx, so it's easily hidden. And and explanation most of everything else will be furthered in the next chapter. Thanks for pointing out the slip up on "her store"!
Haha, yup, and if you think this is sad, I wouldn't advise continuing xD
Thanks for the review!
(A word of advice, you can insert quotes into your reviews with this code:
[quote]quote here[/quote]Ah okay! Thanks for the advice on the quote. ^_^ and I intend on continuing to read. I'm extremely fascinated!