Specifics
1. [Quote[]The hasty scattering of branches over a fallen bough did nothing to cover her from the spattering of rain that occasionally turned to downpoars downpours which threatened to drown her.[/Quote]
2.
Maybe try to avoid repeating rain here. You could have 'the onslaught' or 'its reach' instead.A cough wracked her body as she drew her knees closer. The rain had soaked through her rucksack leaving it a deadweight long before she'd even decided to try and hide from the rain.
3.
Her shirt was tattered at the edges and plastered to her skin, mud creeping across the cloth but barely showing on the darkclothmaterial.
4.
There wereoccasionnaloccasional murmurs of conversation just outside of her hearing that tickled at her ears and itched as the fragments of words filtered through.
5.
I'm not sure about the use of inexorable here. It's a really heavy word and it slows down the pace of the sentence and I know you're probably trying to go for that drag effect but it feels kind of clunky. I'd suggest unending or endless or incessant might work better.The cold dragged at her bones, seeming to pull her into the earth's embrace. After struggling a while against the inexorabledragpull of sleep - scared of what could happen, of the people her mind showed her in the trees - she caved, letting her eyes slide shut.
6.
Turning on her heel, she started in the opposite direction. Run. Run run run run run. Her blood echoed in her ears in an interminable [Again this word feels too heavy for an action scene. It's so long and clunky and would be beautiful if we were in a descriptive scene but I think here you want faster, easier to read words. Maybe uninterrupted or perpetual would flow just that little bit more smoothly.] thump of fear.
7.
As she made to enter the undergrowth again, she stumbled, her mind was suddenly taken by a roar of dizziness.
8.
Small chuckles followed her down, becoming louder as the darkness encroached furtherontointo her consciousness. She grappled with the invading haze, still feeling the urge to run but unable to act upon it.
Overall
This chapter's good and there are some lovely descriptions but it's very short and doesn't feel much like a chapter in its own right. This could easily be tagged on to the last one and with just a little filler in between you could slide them together without a problem.
It might also be nice to remind us that she got shot and her leg hurts because that seems to be absent here and I'm curious as to what's in her backpack that might help her. I feel like she must surely have a coat to huddle under or something - does she have food? Eating something small might be a comfort and even if she doesn't actually take anything out but just thinks through what she has that might help us see how prepared/ not prepared she was. It felt like a few chapters ago she had done this running thing a lot and was super ready for it but now she's failing too quickly? I don't know. I'm sure too many chapters of her on the run would be dull but at the same time I feel like she hasn't gone about this as well as she could have. Was running into the forest her plan all along? Maybe if we at least know that she has been rattled and had intended to go another way then we can understand why she's not prepared.
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
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