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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Beastling : Chapter 9

by Auxiira


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

    The cold was an overwhelming force that caused Linna's bones to tremble as she huddled under the makeshift shelter. It had been so long since she had felt this cold and helpless. The hasty scattering of branches over a fallen bough did nothing to cover her from the spattering of rain that occasionally turned to downpoars which threatened to drown her. A cough wracked her body as she drew her knees closer. The rain had soaked through her rucksack leaving it a deadweight long before she'd even decided to try and hide from the rain. Sounds cluttered her ears, the thunder of the rain around the forest – on the leaves, on the branches, on the litterfall – drowning out any of the other sounds she was trying to hear. The sounds of someone following her.

    She had lost her hat somewhere along the way, and she couldn't walk, couldn't run with her tail tucked away. It was the closest she had felt to being a true beastling since she had been a child. Linna was glad she couldn't see herself. Furthering her self-loathing wasn't high on her list of priorities. Her shirt was tattered at the edges and plastered to her skin, mud creeping across the cloth but barely showing on the dark cloth. She coughed again, the sound rattling through her lungs.

    The forest had turned her in circles as she had slowly become aware of other people among the trees. It wasn't something explicit – a flash of skin as she walked down the main road, a small rustle that could have been anything, but she knew it wasn't an animal. She wasn't sure how, but she knew. There were occasionnal murmurs of conversation just outside of her hearing that tickled at her ears and itched as the fragments of words filtered through. It was enough to take her off of the main road and stumbling her way through the undergrowth. The thorns tearing into her calves had almost coaxed her back to the trodden path, but paranoia kept her struggling.

    Though her clothes were drenched and kept her uncomfortable, she still found her eyelids drooping as the rain dwindled and gave way to a clouded, starry sky. The cold dragged at her bones, seeming to pull her into the earth's embrace. After struggling a while against the inexorable drag of sleep - scared of what could happen, of the people her mind showed her in the trees - she caved, letting her eyes slide shut.

    Crack. She woke with a start, her ears snapping to attention. Her back ached from the hunched position she had slept in. She could feel her stub of a tail flicking slightly apprehensively. As she made to move, she realised she couldn't feel her fingers. The numbness abated further down her wrist, giving way to intense cold. Snap. She was on her feet in a half crouch before she even fully registered the noise. Footsteps in the forest. Right next to her.

    "This way. I've seen her over there."

    Run.

    She jackrabbited out of the makeshift shelter, scattering branches as she went. Scrambling through the undergrowth, not sure where she was going, she was only aware of the sudden noise in the branches and on the forest floor. Humans were following her. Humans humans humans always humans. There was a rising bubble of hatred in her, but she forced it down, concentrating on running. The forest seemed to want her to be found, placing fallen trunks and low branches in her way. A low growl escaped her throat as she pushed harder, trying to move through the undergrowth as fast as her body would allow.

    A sudden change in surface made her stumble. The road. She was back on the road. Cursing, she glanced around, trying to work out which way to go.

    "Fuck it all." She muttered, choosing a direction randomly and coursing that way. She managed a couple of sprinted steps before she staggered to a halt, staring wide-eyed at the person crossing the path. She wasn't sure whether they were one of the ones following her, but the dark, foliage scattered clothes weren't normal.

    Turning on her heel, she started in the opposite direction. Run. Run run run run run. Her blood echoed in her ears in an interminable thump of fear. As she made to enter the undergrowth again, she stumbled, her mind suddenly taken by a roar of dizziness. The ground seemed to lurch toward her, calling to the fatigue in her bones. She only vaguely registered motion as she hit the ground, her vision narrowing to a tunnel. A harrowing cough shook her as she curled up.

    Small chuckles followed her down, becoming louder as the darkness encroached further onto her consciousness. She grappled with the invading haze, still feeling the urge to run but unable to act upon it.

    "Is that it?" A bored voice asked, a nudge in her stomach causing her to tense despite the haziness. She managed a vague growl, drawing another round of chuckles. Trying to lash out, she wasn't even sure whether her body moved or not.

    "Well we can't complain about catching her fast." The man's voice tickled at the back of her memory, but didn't connect in her addled mind as she fell into the darkness.


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:55 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Specifics

1. [Quote[]The hasty scattering of branches over a fallen bough did nothing to cover her from the spattering of rain that occasionally turned to downpoars downpours which threatened to drown her.[/Quote]

2.

A cough wracked her body as she drew her knees closer. The rain had soaked through her rucksack leaving it a deadweight long before she'd even decided to try and hide from the rain.
Maybe try to avoid repeating rain here. You could have 'the onslaught' or 'its reach' instead.

3.
Her shirt was tattered at the edges and plastered to her skin, mud creeping across the cloth but barely showing on the dark cloth material.


4.
There were occasionnal occasional murmurs of conversation just outside of her hearing that tickled at her ears and itched as the fragments of words filtered through.


5.
The cold dragged at her bones, seeming to pull her into the earth's embrace. After struggling a while against the inexorable drag pull of sleep - scared of what could happen, of the people her mind showed her in the trees - she caved, letting her eyes slide shut.
I'm not sure about the use of inexorable here. It's a really heavy word and it slows down the pace of the sentence and I know you're probably trying to go for that drag effect but it feels kind of clunky. I'd suggest unending or endless or incessant might work better.

6.
Turning on her heel, she started in the opposite direction. Run. Run run run run run. Her blood echoed in her ears in an interminable [Again this word feels too heavy for an action scene. It's so long and clunky and would be beautiful if we were in a descriptive scene but I think here you want faster, easier to read words. Maybe uninterrupted or perpetual would flow just that little bit more smoothly.] thump of fear.


7.
As she made to enter the undergrowth again, she stumbled, her mind was suddenly taken by a roar of dizziness.


8.
Small chuckles followed her down, becoming louder as the darkness encroached further onto into her consciousness. She grappled with the invading haze, still feeling the urge to run but unable to act upon it.


Overall

This chapter's good and there are some lovely descriptions but it's very short and doesn't feel much like a chapter in its own right. This could easily be tagged on to the last one and with just a little filler in between you could slide them together without a problem.

It might also be nice to remind us that she got shot and her leg hurts because that seems to be absent here and I'm curious as to what's in her backpack that might help her. I feel like she must surely have a coat to huddle under or something - does she have food? Eating something small might be a comfort and even if she doesn't actually take anything out but just thinks through what she has that might help us see how prepared/ not prepared she was. It felt like a few chapters ago she had done this running thing a lot and was super ready for it but now she's failing too quickly? I don't know. I'm sure too many chapters of her on the run would be dull but at the same time I feel like she hasn't gone about this as well as she could have. Was running into the forest her plan all along? Maybe if we at least know that she has been rattled and had intended to go another way then we can understand why she's not prepared.

Best of luck with this!

~Heather




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 9:48 am
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review this fine Review Day! I haven’t read the other chapters, so this is purely my opinion on this chapter. Hopefully you can forgive me, and I’ll try my best to leave you with some really good quality feedback!

My first impression of this is that it’s really good, and I really wish I’d read the previous chapters before I started reading this one. I might need some prodding to do that, if you’re happy to have another follower on your novel. There were a few little spelling errors dotted around the text which I’d advise you run through a spellchecker, but apart from that it’s really good!

The cold was an overwhelming force that caused Linna's bones to tremble as she huddled under the makeshift shelter. It had been so long since she had felt this cold and helpless. The hasty scattering of branches over a fallen bough did nothing to cover her from the spattering of rain that occasionally turned to downpoars which threatened to drown her. A cough wracked her body as she drew her knees closer. The rain had soaked through her rucksack leaving it a deadweight long before she'd even decided to try and hide from the rain. Sounds cluttered her ears, the thunder of the rain around the forest – on the leaves, on the branches, on the litterfall – drowning out any of the other sounds she was trying to hear. The sounds of someone following her.


Firstly, this is a very long paragraph and I’d suggest splitting it up into shorter ones so your reader doesn’t lose their place in the text, as it were. “Downpours” is spelled incorrectly, but I’m sure that was a typo. Also, the last sentence but one took me a while to work out what it meant, so I’d suggest revising that.

However, I do like this paragraph, as it painted a really vivid image in my mind. I don’t know anything about Linna, but I could visualise this scene as clearly as if it had been a film.

The thorns tearing into her calves had almost coaxed her back to the trodden path, but paranoia kept her struggling.


I’m not sure about the wording of this sentence, especially not the “paranoia kept her struggling” bit, but maybe that’s just me. Maybe rephrase the second part of the sentence to, “but paranoia stopped her” or something like that? Hmm… just a suggestion though.

"Fuck it all." She muttered


Hrm, I don’t think you usually have a problem with speech tags, so I’m not going to link you to any articles. Just thought I’d point it out though – comma not a full stop at the end of the speech, and “she muttered” isn’t capitalised. ;)

I had a very brief look through the previous chapters, and I noticed that she was injured. I feel like if she was in that much pain, you should really make more of it in this chapter. Unless beastlings really do heal that fast, of course.

Like Lightsong said, the vocabulary is pretty complicated. My vocabulary’s pretty good so I didn’t have a problem, but many readers might struggle and I feel like the “big” words are overused slightly. But that’s just my opinion. :)

I found this chase / action scene gripping and exciting, and if you ever need anything else reviewed then feel free to let me know!




Auxiira says...


Hey steamy! thanks for reviewing this!

As a question, what do you deem as "big" words, because I write with words that I would otherwise use in everyday conversation, so I can't really pick them out...



steampowered says...


Haha, I hate to use the phrase "big words"! I mean words such as "inexorable", "abated", "encroached"... words like that. I use these words in everyday conversation too, but I often find myself getting stopped by people who don't understand them.
That's not to say some big words aren't good. It really depends on your target audience. Maybe you could run it past some other people (on WFP, perhaps) who are of the sort of age this is aimed for, if you haven't already. See what they say!
Like I said, I'm not really in a position to judge for myself, since I understand what you're saying. I'm trying to think as a reader with a slightly smaller vocabulary than yours.
Hopefully this was helpful; if not, I wouldn't beat yourself up about the vocabulary you used. It's only a fairly minor point, after all. :)



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Mon Sep 14, 2015 8:41 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! As my friend @Mazuurek once said, "No writing is ever beautiful at its inception and first draft, unless the author in question possesses writing skills and finesse far beyond that of the average writer." Reviews and edits would sure to follow your novel, and hopefully with this, your future drafts would be much better than this one. :)

Now, the suggestions;

Spoiler! :
It had been so long since she had felt this.


"This..." what? Specify. It would make the sentence complete, or you can just switch it with an "it".

The hasty scattering of branches over a fallen bough did nothing to cover her from the spattering of rain that occasionally turned to downpoars which threatened to drown her


Nope, darling, there's no such thing as "downpoars". "Downpour" would be thing you wanted to say. ;)

Furthering her self loathing wasn't high on her list of priorities.


"Self-loathing".

Her shirt was tattered at the edges, mud creeping across the cloth, but barely showing on the dark cloth, plastered to her skin.


This is the moment when I say your tendency to use comma prevents you from seeing a better punctuation mark for this. Suggestion;

Her shirt was tattered at the edges, mud creeping across the cloth - barely showing on the dark cloth - plastered to her skin.


There.

After struggling a while against the inexorable drag of sleep, scared of what could happen, of the people her mind showed her in the trees, she caved, letting her eyes slide shut.


Again, there are too many commas here. Suggestion;

After struggling a while against the inexorable drag of sleep - scared of what could happen of the people her mind showed her in the trees - she caved, letting her eyes slide shut.


You need to replace commas with other punctuation marks to diversify your sentence structure and bring in different impact to it.

Humans humans humans always humans.


I like how this sentence gives the impact it's aiming for, but you better separate it from the usual narration by italicizing it.

A sudden change is surface made her stumble.


"... change in surface ..."

"Fuck it all."


*gasp* Please label this chapter as 18+. It won't applied to me but I dunno about the others. xD

Small chuckles followed her down, becoming louder as


WHY IS THIS SENTENCE INCOMPLETE? >.> Please complete it. I think you miss the other part of this story.[/quote]


Now, to the plot, settings;

I... don't have much to say. I mean, the scene has no interaction between Linna and the others, it's only her trying to escape, so it's more like a micro fiction-like to me in the sense where you focus every details of her escaping, and while it leads the plot further, it's uneventful. Still necessary, just not the best scene out there.

About setting, nice job! You've given me a vivid imagery on how Linna struggles to escape and all. It's a bit hard to swallow it all since your vocabulary level is too high for me. You don't have problem with settings, I assure you.

And that's all! I hope we see other prominent characters like Jamin or his second-in-command. Also, complete the chapter! The ending sentence there is incomplete, shouting to me that it has lost its other parts. All in all, keep up the good job! :D




Auxiira says...


I haven't finiiiisshhheeddddd ;-; and yeah, I posted this at like midnight on the dot, so I didn't manage to rate it or anything. I'll do that. And finishing it will happen sometime today, this is literlally all I have in my doc



Lightsong says...


Lolz, okay, that's cool. Notify me when you've published the rest of it - I'm sure I'll need to comment on that too. xD




The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.
— Shakti Gawain