Young Writers Society

Hullo again!

Specifics

1. The first paragraph is a little bit clunky because you have a lot of short sentences and you need just a little more variation. Maybe something like:

Walk, don't run. Just keep on walking. She repeated the mantra in her head as she wove through the crowd but it was hard, her limbs itched to run, fast and far. Keeping that side of her in check was impossible when she felt cornered. Heart thumping; a tearing need to find safety.

It hadn't been had hard to find the gap in their surveillance and she had taken the chance.

The crowd thinned as she neared the gates, funnelling funneling into a slow colum column that fed itself through the imposing gate that lead led out of the city.

From the corner of her eye, she saw a beastling on a collar and instincively instinctively shied away, stepping to the edge of the column.

She knew they had noticed she was gone when a ripple of murmurs spread down the column from the city. It wasn't anything distinct, just the mute exclamation that accompanied a swivelling swiveling of heads towards the cause.

Yo Xilla,

We're plugging along aren't we! I like this chapter mostly because she's finally getting out of there. It's definitely about time and I'm pretty pumped for the narrative to really find its feet and begin to have a little more content to it. Not that it doesn't have content now, but it feels like the beginning of a bigger story (of course) so I'm excited to get to the meat of the conflict.

I'm saturated by "she" and "her" in this chapter - I know there's not so many ways you can refer to the one character when they're all you're talking about but I feel it is overwhelming here. What Id suggest is to limit some of them by altering your sentences a little. I'll provide and example.

Her rucksack rested on the nub uncomfortably, the weight feeling like it was bending her bones. But it was necessary, she told herself. She just had to change town, go to somewhere more remote, where there was less of an imperial presence, and she would be fine. She didn't even know why she had stayed in the capitol so long – maybe feeling she would be lost in the mass of people, maybe the young her hadn't even thought about it when running the first time.

Her rucksack rested on the nub uncomfortably, the weight feeling like it was bending bones. But it was necessary, she told herself. It was time to change towns, go to somewhere more remote, where there was less of an imperial presence, and it would be fine. Why she had stayed in the capitol so long was a mystery – maybe the feeling of being lost in the mass of people, maybe the young Linna hadn't even thought about it when running the first time.

Hey Aux.

So yea, it's nice to see that Linna is more aware of her surroundings and is trying to be more prudent.

This section isn't bad overall, but at the same time, I feel as though the whole escape seemed somewhat rushed and doesn't have that tension to it. A big reason for that is the whole thing played out too easily; there weren't many hoops and obstacles that she has to be aware of.

In my mind, I imagined the town to be sealed off from the rest of the world (due to the government that this town operates under) and for people to be able to enter or leave the town, they would have to go through various checkpoints to check for security, if they are a beastling or not etc. What about the guards? I would imagine there would be a greater guard + surveillance presence in the town.

These are just a suggestion. Basically, I feel there should be more security around, given that this imperial government is oppressing these beastlings. You want to tighten your security such that there isn't an uprising of the beastlings, and that there isn't any chance of a successful rebellion or terrorist attack happening from people that are against this government's oppression of the beastlings.

Therefore, I don't think it's enough for her to cover up and just walk out of the town while hoping to not get caught. She needs to be more cunning in her escape to avoid these obstacles. Maybe she knows of some secret passages or sewers beneath the city that would lead somewhere outside of the city without getting detected or caught? Maybe she could be smuggled out? (possible option, but you would need to figure out a realistic flaw in the security if you are going for this one).

That's all I have to say. Basically, flesh this out more and consider more of the security of the town and more of the methodology of how she's going to escape. She can't just simply cover up and walk out like that, unless the security in the town is really that lousy.

Additional comment: Oh yea, one more thing to consider. I think Linna should of premediated as to where she should go once she successfully leaves the town, and which route to go. It's not enough to just willy nilly go to some place where imperial forces are few, there would still be other towns under imperial control and patrols and spies running around. I feel like you need to also focus on her developing her plan of escape and where to go first before actually executing the escape. It isn't really vigilant of her if she just leaves with no plan in mind.

Evening Auxiira,

I must say I find this a very interesting story, and there is very little I would change to this.
However, I agree with Maverick when he stated about the italics for character thoughts. I use italics, or sometimes apostrophes as a type of quotation. Eg. 'Why won't he meet my gaze?' she wondered to herself.
Also, "the capitol"... For some reason, I'm thinking capitol should have a capital c, so it is "the Capitol", unless, of course, the Capitol has another name.
Other than this and a few grammatical errors, this is a well written piece, and the built suspense is something I rather enjoy in a story of this type. Well done. I dare say, this is far better than anything I could write in this genre.

I also apologise for such a short review, but Maverick had done such a good job reviewing, I didn't want to seem repetitive at all.

Kindest regards,
Tarakona

Hello Auxiira! I will focus less on plot in this review, since I haven't read the other parts

Walk, don't run. Just keep on walking. She repeated the mantra in her head as she wove through the crowd.

It was hard, her limbs itched to run, fast and far.

Her anxiety loosened[…]

She knew they had noticed she was gone when a ripple of murmurs spread down the column from the city. It wasn't anything distinct, just the mute exclamation that accompanied a swivelling of heads towards the cause.

Her heart thumped once; twice. She could feel the panic rising, closing off her airways – shutting down her lungs. Sucking in a breath was proving an impossible task. The leader of the patrol knew what she looked like. She was sure that he could pick her out from the crowd. Those eyes that sucked in the light skimmed nearer and nearer until they touched hers. Her breath stopped.

A breath rattled into her chest. She felt the release of his stare as sharply as a slap. He had chosen to ignore her, chosen to give her a chance. The anxiety in the pit of her stomach settled, catching the butterflies and locking them away once again.