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Which One is Mine?

by AutoPilot


Hello and-

Is this necessary? It’s boring and-

You’re a whiner. Of course this is necessary-

But why?

Because we’re trying to explain everything.

There’s got to be a better way to-

Nah. She’s right

What do you mean?

She’s right. No one understands, this might help

Actually, it’s my head-

Are you sure?

Yes. Shut up. It’s my head, I’m right

How do you know?

I don’t. That’s the scary thing.

But if it's not, what if we're not who you think.

I have no idea.


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301 Reviews


Points: 19800
Reviews: 301

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Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:46 am
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fraey wrote a review...



Hi there!

Popping in to boot this out of the Green Room.

First Thoughts:

This is pretty chaotic, and the code mistype adds to that as well, I think. I'd recommend to maybe give each voice the proper coding, which this link could be helpful: Formatting poetry #3

I think that this poem uses coding in an interesting way, but I almost feel like putting this into stanzas, and having each voice be in one portion, would have a more concise juxtaposition. This way too, you could add more to these individual voices and even have some expand on these short lines. Especially because some of the confusion for the reader might overpower the message of confusion in someone's life who hears multiple voices or has conflicting thoughts.

Content:

I find it interesting that you started this with italics and then went into regular form, as usually the regular form of words are treated as the first in any situation. I think that made me curious as to who the actual main voice is, especially as it seems that's kind of what the other voices conflict over, at least partially? The way that this ends makes me want more to see the real contrast between the voices and see different personalities, as I'm guessing that's the purpose of the coding to contrast.

Overall:

I think that this is an interesting idea, but I feel that it's almost too unique to understand too well, and I do think to fix the coding would help in that area. Something interesting to see would be to expand these ideas, especially the "she's right" to maybe show that voice's logic behind that? Like maybe some of these are aware of other voices and such.

That's all for now!




AutoPilot says...


Ugh, thanks for pointing out the coding issue! I forgot that it's different than it used to be, I'll work on fixing that



fraey says...


Just glad I could help you :) Coding is tough.



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10 Reviews


Points: 156
Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 02, 2018 7:45 pm
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DoubleRiders wrote a review...



Hello there AutoPilot!

It is Selina from DoubleRiders here to review your work! I haven’t reviewed much in the last couple years so please forgive me if I’m a bit rusty.

The piece interested me and I think it was a creative idea with the whole ‘multiple voices’ thing, very neat. I’m not sure if it is just my personal opinion, but I find poetry is easier to read and catches the reader more when it flows (like with rhymes or rhythm). Just a thought. Also, as I review more poetry and even write poetry I find the new ‘modern’ poetry to be not very creative in the sense of sentences and words; the modern ideas are creative (and not just about love like the old ones!) but it’s still lacking the foundations of poetry. If only we could put both together!
One way I think your piece could improve would be to make it longer. I feel like I was thrust into someone’s brain and was out too fast to really have connected with it... does this make sense?
Your idea was so very neat, I could just see more potential if you used it as an outline and tried to delve into writing it with some rhythm and/or rhyming.
I hope I didn’t sound to harsh, I do not mean to be. I really encourage you to challenge yourself and discover; poetry is so much fun when you mix creativity with basic principles!

Keep writing, I look forward to reviewing some more of your work!

~ DoubleRiders





You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan