For sale, fifteen memories, dating, break-up not included.
For sale, one memory, victory.
For sale, four hundred and seventy-two memories, lifetime.
The list went on and on. Hundreds of memories for sale, to the common public. But everyone knew that the real market was to the billionaires who have nothing better to do than experience another lifetime. If you choose to sell a memory, you’ll forget it forever, and you get fifty percent of the sales earnings. No one quite knows for sure where the rest of the money goes.
The Memory Center has sliding glass doors that open into a large, extravagant room. The cileing stretching upwards for what feels like miles. A long desk, spanning over a hundred feet, is set up opposite of the doors. Behind it dozens of sales clerks attend to the lines and lines of people, from poor to poorer, trying to get a few pennies for their memories. The happy ones sell better, but some of the sad ones do as well.
“Welcome to the Memory Center. How can I help you?” A clerk with a soft face, bob cut, and vibrant red makeup adressed the girl who’d just come to the front of the line.
The girl shifted uneasily from foot to foot, looking at the ground so her oily brown hair fell over her face. “I’d like to make a sale,” she said.
“Who will it be paid out to?” The lady asked, tapping on her screen.
“The Kendricks, we- they- live downtown.” The girl replied, looking up and taking in a deep breath.
“Is this them?” The lady asked, showing the girl a picture of a small family on the screen.
The girl nodded.
“What memory will you be selling today dear?”
“Um, I don’t know-”
The lady sighed and smiled slightly. “A failure? A love? An argument? What is the memory?”
“Erm, well, I don’t know if it’s that simple.” The girl tried to blink back tears. “Momma- momma said I had to-”
The clerk felt pity for the young girl as a wave of understanding flooded over her. “Are you sure? You should at least keep one.
The girl shook her head as she wrung her small, dirty hands. “No, every last one. I don’t want to remember-” She stopped herself and started shaking her head vigourously. “I don’t want to remember any of this.” She sobbed as her face wretched up and she started to cry.
The lady bit her lip. “Listen, I hate to ask this but- how old are you? It’s important for the-” She took a deep breath. “It’s important for the sale.”
“I’m, I’m…” the girls voice started to rise in pitch as she lost her composure. “I’m eleven, next week.” She said.
The lady closed her eyes to calm herself, pursing her vibrant blood lips. “A week, then.” She whispered to herself, shaking her head. “Alright.” She opened a small door in the desk, allowing the girl to walk through. “Come on then, go in that room and put this on your head.” She said, handing the girl a small metal disk the size of a quarter. As the girl walked through the doorway the lady felt a pang of guilt. For the girl would’ve barely reached her stomach had the clerk been standing.
The girl walked through the door, her trembling hands grasped the disk, and then she stared at the larger door behind the desk. Her breathing was eratic as she asked the lady one last question.
“Will it hurt?” She squeezed in between her gasps for air.
The clerk snapped, and got down from her chair, kneeling on the ground so as to meet the girls eyes. “No, no of course not love. It won’t hurt, you’ll be fine.” She brushed the hair from the girls face and smiled half-heartedly. On a whim, she gave the girl a bone crushing hug, and to her slight surprised, the girl hugged earnestly back.
“Thank you.” The girl whispered in her ear.
“Don’t mention it.” The lady said, patting the girls hair as her eyes started to tear up. She pulled back and held the girl at arms length. “Go on then.” She said, pushing the girl towards the door. Once the girl was through, it was all the clerk could manage to lock her in.
The girl glanced around the room, it was pure white, with a single chair in the middle. She sat down and looked at the disk. Before she set it on her head, she squeezed her eyes shut and relived her best memory. And so the warmth of that clerks embrace flooding her senses till the moment she set the disk on her head.
The clerk let out a gasp as the girls scream of pain filled the air, barely audible through the soundproofed room. The lady bit her lip, for she knew the scream must be louder, since normally you couldn’t hear them at all. As she typed in the particulars of the memories, her mouse hovered in shock over the box meant for the original memory holders name.
And, somewhere downtown, a small, poor family, sat in silence over their hard earned meal. For they all knew that the temporary fullness of their bellies would never be worth the price of someone so innocent
For sale, one lifetime, poor condition. The clerk stopped typing, and blinking back a tear, fixed the listing.
For sale, one half life, as innocent as the sun itself.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This tale is astonishingly beutifull. The language, despite being fairly simple, catches the reader and only makes the story shine even brighter.
The only negative thig i have to say is that the Girls family ought to get more space.
Even so, this is a great and heartbreaking story that will stay in my heart for some time.
This author has talent.
PS:This is my second Review. (i accidenally posted the last one as a comment, im such a clutz.)My Word is far from law, and this contains 100% of my own oppinion.
Hi!
As Esca has mentioned below, there are quote a few typos and punctuation errors, so before you submit it to the Literary Journal, remember to fix them.
As always, and from your unrevised different piece, you have such an amazon writing voice. It's clear, but breathtaking and beautiful anyways.
You've already got 5 reviews on this, so I'm going to make it brief:
I still want more. I'm still wondering. Leave us a little wondering, but not this much. I feel like there are too many gaps and holes in this.
I hope this helps, keep writing!
~ EternalRain
Hi, MoonlightForest here for a review. To start off, this is one of the few pieces on Young Writers' Society that I've actually finished reading. I was intrigued from the very first line. You have an excellent writing voice and I'd love to see this continued.
There were a couple grammatical things, but it didn't detract from the story. For example, "Hundreds of memories for sale, to the common public" shouldn't have a comma. Also, to enhance the story, these sentences could have a verb added to them. If the sentences are meant to be cut off like that for effect, then that works too.
I feel like the clerk is such a big part of this short story that she shouldn't go unnamed. I'd like to know more about her. How did she suddenly go from "all-business" to empathetic? If she has to be strictly professional for her job, yet a little girl like this gives her a moment of weakness, it would be interesting to make mention of that in your story. Also, why are sad memories accepted? Lastly, it's a little unclear: is the little girl selling her lifetime so that her family can put food on the table? Is losing all of her memories equivalent to death? These are some questions that I was wondering while reading. Maybe you could elaborate on them if you decide to continue with the story.
Overall, I really enjoyed your piece. You definitely have a talent for writing, and I'd love to read more
Hello. This is my first review, so please take it with a grain of salt.
Firstly, to get particulars out of the way, you have quite a few typos. I also think your wording could be better in many cases. For example,when you're describing the woman's hair you say "bob cut", and I think you could flesh that out a lot more: "blonde bob haircut".
Secondly, I'm confused about many of the details. What doesn't the girl want to remember? Her whole life? Who are the Kendricks-- her family? If not, why does she care about them? I assume it's her family, so I think you could go into that more and explain why she's making such a large sacrifice for them.
Why does the girl scream? Is it painful or is she sad? And like someone else mentioned, I don't understand how the story actually ends. Does the girl walk out of the shop and go back home? It feels unfinished. Also, why does the clerk hesitate to put in the girl's name (how does she know the girl's name)?
I think your idea is great and would make a wonderful short, but I think you would the story a great service by beefing it up and going into a lot more detail and touching on all the nuances of the story. Not sure how this site works, but I'd be interested in reading a revised version if you choose to do that!
Thanks for sharing.
Before I begin my review, I have a question:
So, does the girl die? I didn't get that out of the story, despite the screaming, but then I read the other reviews and saw that Esca said she did. I don't think the girl would have to die, necessarily, if you're doing it for a "here's what's at stake" kind of thing--I was horrified enough at the thought of her selling all her memories. I mean, she wouldn't remember anything. Not her family, not any of the few good times she's had (few though they may be), not anything. So there would be this massive void after she, you know, woke up or whatever without any memories, and I could see a lot of internal conflict because she doesn't know who she is at all.
Which obviously could also be the jumping-off point into a much longer story, but that's beside the point.
I just feel like if it's your intention to imply that the girl does die, then it doesn't make much sense to have such a sympathetic clerk. Not if she knows what's happening, anyway. A system like that would have to hide its gruesome truths or face anarchy. That's how such systems often do resist anarchy: hiding the ugliest truths, making them invisible to all but the members of society who encounter them first hand, and making them very difficult to prove even if one of those members tries to point them out.
Because, I mean, I think it's sad and shocking and horrific that someone would give up all their memories to feed their family (that they would have to, I mean), but at least in that case, if they're just going to not have any memories, people could be like, "Well, whatever. It was her choice."
But if they're going to DIE by doing that, then it's harder to be so blase about it. Or else people have to be emotionless automatons who don't care one bit. Which, from the clerk, is obviously not true.
(Of course, I'm still not sure that's the way you were going anyway. Yes, the girl screams, and yes, the clerk cries, but there's the part where the clerk tells her she should keep one memory and the girl says she doesn't want to remember any of this, which to me says that she knows she'll still be alive but completely without memory.)
The punctuating of dialogue was incorrect, but Esca already linked you to an article about that. So my next point is about the memories themselves.
The story is intriguing from the get-go because of the idea of "selling memories" and--as with most inherently valuable things--the poor having to sell off more of theirs just to make ends meet while the wealthy enjoy more than their fair share. However, we don't have much to cling to when it comes to the characters. The girl is young, yes, and visibly scared but nonetheless doing good by her family, even though it's at her own expense. But we know nothing else about her.
Which isn't terrible, since we at least have these layers of fear and courage, but the story would be much stronger if we knew more about this girl.
Luckily, since she's selling all of her memories, there's a really easy way for you to do this: show us some of those memories. Think about how the process of getting rid of the memories would work. Does each one flash through the girl's mind as it gets siphoned away?
Or, if you don't want to think that in-depth about the process, you have an even easier one, which is: show us what the clerk sees. Since she's typing up the descriptions and whatnot, she obviously sees what the memories are. Share some of that with us. We'll get to know the girl better, care about her more, and thus care more about the story.
Also, a final question that I think you need to consider:
Why did the family send a young girl to do this? The girl says that "Momma said I had to," which means Mom was like, "Okay, kid, I love you, but we have nothing to eat, so I need you to go sell all your memories to provide one meal for the rest of us." I have a few issues with this.
1. ALL the girl's memories are going to buy one meal? That is not a sustainable model of selling your stuff. I could see selling one memory at a time for one meal at a time until there's nothing left, but you'd think an entire life would provide for a little longer.
2. A parent's first instinct is to protect their children. I'm sure it seems sadder if it's a child giving up all her memories, but it would make far more sense to me if one of the parents did this instead. In a way this would actually be more sad, because--okay, consider. So the family wouldn't want the parent to do this, right? So quite possibly the parent would just go out without breathing a word about it, kind of an "I'll be back soon" thing...only they don't come back. The family's wondering and wondering where the parent is, figuring they've been abandoned or something, but then the money comes in, and they realize.
Which could also springboard into a much longer story as a child tries to find their amnesiac parent, but that's beside the point, too.
So if you can find a good answer to why THIS child was TOLD to go do this by her mother, good on you. Otherwise, I'd suggest either changing the story so that a parent goes, rather than a child, or you could have the child deciding this for herself. (i.e., she's the oldest sibling and knows her parent is planning to do so and figures it's best for the family if she goes instead so the parent is still around to take care of the other children)
~BlueAfrica
Thank you very much! You have me a lot of good ideas, I'll either expand or at least change the story, thanks!
Hi Authorian!
)
Amazing piece here, I really liked it. Everything from the way it was written to the plot and premise of the story was incredible. The idea of people selling their memories (and completely forgetting them), as well as the way they do it in this world (place a disk on their head) is very interesting.
Now for some grammar "lessons"
(Ah, I was going to correct your misspelling of "common" as "commen" but I see that someone else already has. Darn
Well, there's some others to point out.
You misspelled "ceiling" and "cileing".
I'd suggest putting a "just" after "do", making it "but some of the sad ones do just as well".
This part was slightly confusing and I had to reread it a couple of times. It doesn't really have a place there. You should either remove it completely or tie it in with the previous sentence and make it flow better.
Here, "girls" should have an apostrophe (i.e. "girl's"). Also, "half-heartedly" and be spell "halfheartedly".
Once again, "girl's", not "girls".
This should say "arm's length", not "arms length".
In this part did you mean "flooded" or am I not understanding the sentence?
Once again, "girl's".
"Original memory holder's name" is more correct as the memory holder was in possession of the name, hence the apostrophe.
"And" isn't really necessary here, I don't think. Especially not at the beginning of the sentence. It should be fine without it.
If I had wrote this I would have put another comma after the "and", making it "The clerk stopped typing, and, blinking back a tear, fixed the listing". But that's just me.
All-in-all a great story, and even better now that you've edited the scenes (I read the previous version). I plan to read more of your stories very soon, so you can expect some more reviews from me
Keep writing!
-Jules
Thank you! This was very helpful!
I'm glad it was, I was worried that I was annoyingly rambling on about apostrophes
Okay, so I'm on the proper page this time around! Let's get started, shall we? I'll give you a fair warning though: I probably will rub off as harsh in the next things I'm about to say, but please be assured that I only want to help.
First off, I know you edited this, but this piece has a lot of typos. Yes, you corrected the previous ones in my other review, but now there are a lot more -- more than in the original piece even. Be careful of things like that because it can get pretty distracting after a while. That said, the work feels choppy too. Try to make everything flow a little smoother. For example, some of the sentences here seem like they could be merged. From how it is right now, it's stop after stop after stop, so please edit as necessary.
I'm also going to reiterate one of my old comments: please be guided by this article written by Demeter concerning the punctuation when there's dialogue. I don't think you've really fixed that issue yet. Lastly, I still find the system pretty dodgy: why does the girl have to die? It isn't explicitly said here that she's going to, but it is hinted out, particularly in this part:
I understand this is how the system works, but why is the logic like that? Why would you have to dispose of someone who still can live despite severe "amnesia"? I mean, like I said before, she can be retaught everything.
Anyway, that's about the end of my review. I hope I wasn't that brutal. Good luck, Authorian. You can do it! It's still an interesting concept. Work hard.