Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...well this was an interesting little story...I almost wonder if there was a deeper meaning somewhere hidden among this but I don't quite know, I wasn't really able to figure out something.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She looked out over the city, quiet, serene, simple. A certain coldness was in her eyes, one that burned into the soul of all who saw her. No one knew who she was. Though she was always there every Thursday evening. On top of the highest building in the small town… ten stories high.

Several attempts had been made to get her down. By the time people got up there she was gone. She had become as part of the scenery to those living in the small town, but for me, being my first there, she stuck out like a great, serene, angel. To worried with matters of the high above to care for those below. And although her eyes were cold as ice, I could see the sadness in them. Cold, but miserable. No- not miserable. Sorrowful. Yeah.

I lived across the road from the building. Every thursday after school I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes. For some reason, the more I stared at her, the sadder I became. Yet, also, the more I stared at her, the more I loved her.

Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful young girl who stood on the roof on thursdays.

Maybe it was her flowing brown hair, or her simple brown dress, torn at the edges. Perhaps it was how beautiful she was, or how serene.

Or how sorrowful.

I felt so close to her, every time I saw her I felt as if I knew her. But of course I didn’t.

After a while, looking at her made me feel bitter, and sorrowful. My feelings slowly died away.

Now I stand atop the building opposite hers. Every Monday, looking towards the horizon as the sun sets to my back. Silently screaming at the sad, cruelness of the world.

Yes, it might have been the sadness, or the sereneness, but one thing is certain.

My soul has become as sorrowful as her heart.

Allo, there, Myndi here to give ya a review.

Positives first, of course. I have to say, I love the idea of this. The vagueness of this is perfect for something like this. It keeps the reader detached enough to accept when it is over, but not too detached to where they do not care whether or not it is over. It is simple and concise, and I appreciate that in a piece.

I had several problems with this, though, and it did not reside so much in the idea and concept, as it did the writing itself that took me out of the piece several times. I believe you are telling rather than showing. There is no progression, and, although this is a short piece, progression is almost necessary to keep the reader interested. Also, the showing technique will help to reader to read on their own, rather than you telling them how to read (which is the telling technique, which is commonly avoided).

Yet, also, the more I stared at her, the more I loved her.

Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful young girl who stood on the roof on thursdays.

She had become as part of the scenery to those living in the small town, but for me, being my first there, she stuck out like a great, serene, angel. To worried with matters of the high above to care for those below. And although her eyes were cold as ice, I could see the sadness in them. Cold, but miserable. No- not miserable. Sorrowful. Yeah.

Every thursday after school I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes.

Silently screaming at the sad, cruelness of the world.

This story sounds too short for it's own good. I feel as if there should be more of the story here. That's my opinion, but you don't have to listen to me. However, I do have things you can do editing wise.

"quiet, serene, and simple."

"No one knew who she was though she was always there every Thursday evening on top of..."

"By the time people got up, there she was gone."

"Too worried with..."

"Every thursday after school, I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes."

"Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful, young girl who stood on the roof on Thursdays."

"Maybe it was her flowing, brown hair, or her simple, brown dress, torn at the edges."

"But, of course, I didn't."

"Now, I stand atop of the building opposite hers."

Nice, "serene" (you used that world like a hundred times) story you have here. I get the feeling that this would work even more effectively as a poem. There is a damp melancholy in the poem that makes your readers wonder about this girl on the roof, even after the speaker, who has contracted the same coldness that she saw within the girl. Now this being a prologue, I would definitely read a story about these two girls and get to know their stories.

The greatest element of the story here is not the sorrow, but the mystery. The city of people are used to the girl on the roof, but I would imagine they were curious when they first saw her, just like the speaker is now curious. What makes the speaker stand out from crowd though is that in stead of becoming indifferent toward the mysterious girl, she becomes entranced by her, and somewhat you could say she even becomes her. The story reflects the idea of love existing without a relationship, without words ever being exchanged. Just seeing the girl up there every Tuesday caused the speaker to eventually love her, even somewhat identify with what she seems to feel.

Hi, Authorian. This is Pinkie here a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*

I got to agree with EmeraldEyes. This is a good story. It is dramatic and interesting piece of writing. The descriptions are very good on every paragraph in the story. It gave the image of the girl and how the main character felt like her while I read it. The characters were just seem so realistic to me. I really don't want it to end too soon. Well, it is your choice, not mines. Anyway, I didn't see any errors on here which it is good thing. I enjoyed this story a lot. I hope to read more from you. Well, have a nice day!

Wonderful Job!

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

P.S: Welcome to YWS!

This story is very nice.
I appreciate how you kept it short and sweet. Even though, now that it has that quality I'm not quite sure it fits in the short story category.
Your characters are nice, and I'm glad you didn't give them names. When you give your characters names, people get a liittle bit close to them. Then if it's a short little story, like this, people are disappointed when it has to end.
I saw a few general grammar and spelling mistakes that others might not notice, and I'm too lazy to correct.
Thank you for a neat story.

Hi..

This was cool. I liked it:

She looked out over the city, quiet, serene, simple. A certain coldness was in her eyes, one that burned into the soul of all who saw her. No one knew who she was. Though she was always there every Thursday evening. On top of the highest building in the small town… 10 stories high.

Or how sorrowful.