z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Snap.

by Authorian


Sydney sighed as she flipped through her bills. Only four months living alone and already she was falling behind. She reached for her phone as she made the final decision. She needed a flatmate to split the cost.

Mere moments after she posted a notice online, she got an email in response. ‘Hello, I am interested in becoming your roommate. When can I come down?’

Sydney shifted her position on the couch and then replied. ‘In the next two days would work for me, you?’

‘That works, see ya!’

Sydney set down her phone and turned on the TV. She’d just found something that looked good, when there was a knock at the door.

“One sec.” She said, standing up and walking over to the door. She opened it to a man about her age. He smiled with pearly white teeth.

“Hey, I’m Devon.” He said, putting a hand forward. She accepted it, wincing slightly at his firm shake. “Oh, sorry.” He pulled his hand back.

“Hi, um, how can I help you?” Sydney asked.

“Oh yeah.” He looked down for a moment. “I’m here about your request for a roommate?”

“Oh, oh umm.” Sydney said, taken aback. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were...”

“A guy? Yeah sorry about that, but I was in the area so...”

“I’m not...”

“Me either.” He interrupted. “Strictly platonic.”

Sydney frowned, and started to close the door. “Sorry, but...”

He put his foot in the door, holding it open. Sydney looked at him, eyes wide, but he just sighed. “Please, I need to-” He cut himself off and took a deep breath. “Look, I’ve gone over this a million times. I need a place to say.” When Sydneys expression didn’t change, he pushed the door slightly open. “Please.” He asked, but he didn’t just say please, he was asking please with his entire body. His eyes, his shoulders, even his slightly parted lips.

Sydney looked him up and down, and couldn’t help feeling pity. She swept her blonde hair from her face, and tapped the freckles on her nose in thought.

“Fine,” his face lit up, and she held up a finger. “But only if you stay far behind the line, and only until I say otherwise. Got it?”

“Yes, I do.” He smiled and gave her a quick hug. Then pushed past her, slinging his backpack on the ground by the door. It thudded heavily.

“When will you get your stuff together.” She asked, watching him tour the apartment. He turned around and pointed at the backpack.

“That’s it. All I need.” He stated.

“Seriously?” She asked, turning and looking at the bag.

“Absolutely.” He replied, stressing every syllable individually.

“You don’t have a bed?” She asked, closing the door.

“No.” He said frankly, wandering into the kitchen.

“You won’t mind...”

“Using the couch?” He frowned in thought. “No, not really.”

“Then I guess you’re all set.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Did you have dinner yet?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Do you need anything? A tour maybe?”

“Naw.”

Sydney relaxed her shoulders as Devon peeked into the kitchen. It seemed it was all sorted out. She sat on the couch and continued her program, keeping a wary eye on Devon as he ventured through the small apartment. Finally he grabbed his bag and leaped onto the couch.

“What’s this?” He asked, hugging his bag to his chest.

“Oh just a-” Sydney waved her remote to the screen. “A documentary on dolphins. I thought it looked interesting.”

“You still love dolphins huh...” He mumbled to himself absentmindedly.

“Hmm?” Sydney asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I, uh, meant you like dolphins then?”

“Yes...” Sydney said, her voice riddled with uncertainty.

They watched the rest of the film in silence, and as the credits rolled Devon cleared his throat.

“So?” He said.

“I’ll, uh, go to bed. Yeah.” Sydney hopped up, brushing of her pants and flashing him a half smile. “See ya tomorrow then.” She said.

“Y-yeah.” He replied.

The next morning, Sydney was awoken by the slamming of cabinet doors from the kitchen. She wandered out to see what was happening.

“You have nothing to eat!” Devon cried, checking one of the lower cabinets and then slamming it shut as well. “How long has it been since you’ve been shopping?” He asked, gesturing to the almost empty fridge. Sydney shrugged.

“A week maybe? I don’t know, I mostly have frozen food.”

Devon frowned. “Well, I hate frozen stuff, I’m running to the store.” With that, he stepped into his shoes and left.

He returned a half hour later with around twenty bags of groceries from various stores.

“Where did you get all these?” Sydney asked, rushing forward in surprise.

“I bought them.”

“Seriously? You’ve only been gone about thirty minutes.” She said, sceptical.

Devon shrugged. “I’ve gotten good at it I suppose.” He tossed her a block of cheese. “Slice that, will you? I’ll be right back.” She nodded as he turned to the restroom.

She pulled out a knife and cutting board, and was just starting to slice the cheese when she heard a yell from the bathroom. She turned to fast in surprise, and slipped on the tile floor since she was wearing nothing but socks.

It happened so fast. She let out a cry as she fell, reaching her hands out to catch herself, the knife bounced off the ground, point up. Devon rushed from the bathroom just in time to see her fall.

A snap split the air, and everything stopped. Sydneys shocked face, mere inches from the knife, was frozen mid air. Devon rushed forward, and grabbed the knife from under her. He pushed her gently to the ground, stared at her skeptically, then snapped his fingers again.

Sydney hit the floor gasping. She pushed herself up on her hands and looked up. “Wh-what happened?” She asked, in a daze.

He looked her up and down, then took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I heard a yell and when I came out you were on the ground.” He said.

“B-but the knife...” She stood up and looked around for it.

He looked over her shoulder with a feigned expression of confusion. “Isn’t that it on the counter?” He asked.

Sydney turned round, and sure enough, the knife was on the counter by the cheese.

“I guess I...” She rubbed her head. “I guess I just had a bit of a shock is all.” She looked up and smiled at him. “So what’s for-” As she spoke, Devons knees gave out below him, and he crumpled to the floor. She rushed forward.

Devon drew in a sharp breath. “No...” He mumbled. “Not again, come on.”

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Sydney asked, looking at Devon and feeling completely helpless.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” He replied, massaging his legs. “Just tired is all.”

“O-okay.” Sydney looked from him to the couch. “D-do you want me to?”

“Yeah.” He replied. She helped him up and he leaned on her till they got to the couch. He eased down and relaxed. As she turned back to the kitchen, he grabbed her arm.

“Don’t get into trouble again.” He whispered.

“What do you-”

“Please.” He urged, and once again his entire body reflected the urgency of the please.

“Okay- I guess.” Sydney replied slowly. Devon let his arm fall back to the couch and watched Sydney slowly walked back to the kitchen.

The moment he’d finished his breakfast, he hopped up and grabbed his bag. “Thank you, but I don’t think this’ll work.”

“Why not?” Sydney asked, setting down her fork.

He stopped on his way out and closed his eyes. “It-it’s hard to explain, just...” He scratched the back of his neck. “I’m sorry Sydney, but it’s dangerous.” She tilted her head, confused. “I want this more than anything... and I...”

A single tear made its course down Sydney's face. She reached up and touched it, her hand shaking. “I-I don’t know-” She said, wiping it away as one fell from her other eye. Soon, tears were cascading down her cheeks. Devon watched her, his face becoming more and more sad.

“You remember, don’t you.” He stated as he snapped his fingers. The moment he did, time stood still for everything but him as before, and light started to eat away at his body. He walked forward and leaned in, closing his eyes as he placed a single kiss on her forehead. He pulled away, and tears welled up in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He said. The light consumed his entire body and it burst with a flash. Time started moving again just in time for Sydney to see Devons bag fall to the ground.

She started to sob as memories flooded back to her. Times of peace, love, and a future that would never come. She reached forward with shaking hands and picked up Devons backpack. She unzipped the front pocket, and withdrew a photo album and an envelope. She opened the latter and began to read.

‘To whatever your name is at the time. If you are reading this, my time is up, I’ll try my best to explain. I was cursed with the ability to stop time. But every time I did, I took a step closer to death. And I, also, was frozen in time. I could have lived forever, never changing, never growing. But one day I met you.

You were perfect, always smiling, always laughing. When I lost you, I couldn’t bear it.

So I did the cruelest thing possible.

I froze you in time as well. Of course, it was different for you, and every time you died, you were born again. And every time that happened, I’d come to find you.

Over time, you remembered less and less of the first us. Until finally you didn’t remember anything from your past lives. I was devastated, but I continued to find you everytime I lost you.

If you’re reading this, I stopped time for the very last time. I’m sorry, and somehow feel as if once that happens, you’ll be set free. But not before remembering everything.

Once again, I’m so, so sorry.’

Sydney sobbed as tears fell onto the paper. She folded it carefully and set it aside. Then, she picked up the small photo album.

The first picture was a painting of a beautiful girl with blonde hair and freckles, standing on the seashore watching dolphins dance in the waves. The second looked to be the same girl, but she was sitting for a formal picture. The pictures were of people, dates, laughter and parties. As she went on they became more and more modern, but it wasn’t until she found a black and white photo of the girl and Devon kissing on their wedding day that she broke down. She remembered that kiss, that seashore, that child, that party. It was as if her life had been dragged across millennia and it pained her so much.

She glanced at her hand, and lifted it up, staring at it for a moment.

Then she snapped her fingers.














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User avatar
472 Reviews


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Sun Mar 29, 2015 2:44 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, allow me to give you my lame review. :)

I will just touch on the aspect of dialgoues. There is just too much of them, probably because you have just have too much ideas compressed into the story. My suggestion is to reduce the amount of dialogues, and take one step at a time. Don't rush things. The ending part of the story is a clear demonstration of you rushing things. Replace dialogues with descriptions, the latter will help even if it comes in small quantity.

To be frank, I lost the story when Devon told Sydney he had the ability to freeze time. Perhaps this was because it was delivered at the wrong timing. The idea of time freezing was a huge one itself, it often confused people. You should try to explain it more. In addition, since this was a fantasy story, what indicated the ability to be of fantasy, and not of science? Was his ability a gift from his mysterious grandfather, a wizard people thought existed only as a legend? Was this revenge doing, because he did something bad to someome who was secretly a malicious witch? That sort of thing.

That is all. Thank you. :)




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:34 am
donizback wrote a review...



Hey hey hey! What an amazing piece this is, young talent! I loved it.
Although, I don't review anything other than lyrics and poems, I feel like I should be reviewing this really sweet story you've written.

Let's start with the title. It wasn't really good, to be honest. I mean, I read the title a few times and forced myself to click on it and read what's in it. But this shouldn't be happening like this. The title is something which attracts the reader towards you and your writing and makes them come forward to read what you have written. That was, to be honest, not the case with your story title here. I hope you'll do better next time on choosing the right title.

The story itself was really cute. It did make me a little sad but it was really something good. I loved it. There are some really mini grammatical errors, which I request @Tuesday to look into for you (and if she does a review on your story, mark that day to be the best one in 2015), and some punctuation errors which you can keep improving over time.

Overall it was really very nice. A little bit too long though! I suppose it was somewhere close to 2000 words, right? But anyway, it was nice and I loved it! 8/10 for you on this :)

Keep writing and all the best for your future. Do let me know if you need any help.




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Sat Mar 28, 2015 6:45 pm
Aylisha says...



The story was wonderful. I loved the fantasy elements in the story the brought it together. I wish you would have explained Sydeny better in the beginning. Overall the story was touching and depressing at the same time. I hope you write a continuation of the story.
Best of Luck
- Aylisha




Authorian says...


Thanks!



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Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:12 pm
JoytheBrave says...



This is amazing, Authorian! I think you should try it as a longer story- maybe a novel or a novella. There's so much story here just waiting to be uncovered. It's an intriguing idea and pulled me right in. A few pointers:

The name change was a little confusing. I didn't quite get it at first and had to read it a few times before comprehending. Maybe if you said "Name change- Kendall to Devon" or something more clear it would make more sense. Also you said "She pulled out a knife and cutting board, and was just starting to slice the cheese when she heard a yell from the bathroom." Then you never specified what the yell was. I'm curious to know . . .

Again, amazing story! I hope to hear more.




Authorian says...


Thanks! I forgot to fix those few things when unedited, sorry, I'll fix it now!



Authorian says...


Fixed. Oh and by the way, I've tried to write Novellas from my short stories before, but I always like them better when they're short like this. There's actually a quote- 'A short story is a kiss in the dark from a stranger'- Stephen King. I write a kiss in the dark better than a wedding, if that makes sense haha. I intend to write longer stories in the future, probably when I'm more comfortable with them.



JoytheBrave says...


Yeah, sometimes short stories are the best format for things like this. Authors know best! :)




Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria