He was a fast walker for such a small man, but Quinn had little trouble keeping up all the same, her long legs easily keeping pace.
The pairs footsteps padded uneasily across the sidewalk, Quinn stared at her hands, they were shaking. She thrust them into her pockets and turned to her partner Blue.
“You sure we’re clean?” Quinn hissed, picking up her pace and squinting at him. The dim light of a nighttime residential street made it hard to distinguish his features.
“Yes.” Blue replied.
“What if he get caught?”
“We won’t.”
“She was-” Quin cut herself off and looked at the sidewalk.
Blue grunted and walked past Quin, walking several feet in front of her on the sidewalk.
The bag on Quinn's shoulder weighed heavier with every step. The bloody knife and clothes separated from her body with little more than a thick layer of cloth. She shuddered as the knife poked at her back.
She held her breath every time a car drove by. An owl hooted and sent a shiver up her spine.
The sidewalk, cracked and broken everywhere, gave way to the brick tiles of a bridge spanning the local river. Blue stopped halfway down the bridge and took the bag from Quin. He threw it over the side of the bridge.
“Come on, we gotta hurry. If anyone sees a middle schooler on the bridge this late...” He said.
Quinn let out a sob and buried her face in her hands. “I can’t, I can’t do this.” She cried, choking on her sobs.
“You already did. You already stabbed her.” Blue replied, turning around and brushing Quins blonde hair from her face.
“But Blue,” she said, looking up. “She was my sister, my twin, it was like...”
“Like killing yourself?” Blue finished with a sigh.
Quinn nodded.
“If you’re already dead, why stay here?” He asked, teasing back a smile tugging at his lips.
Quin met his eyes with a steady stare, then the light drained from her own. She stood up, turned round, and stepped off the bridge.
“Sorry dear, this devil likes to collect early.” Blue hissed as he vanished in a puff of smoke.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I loved the characterization of both of the characters. It made the reader want to read more and more of the story. I feel as if it could be a little bit longer and with a little more of what is going on inside Quin's head before you revealed the notion that she killed her twin sister. Other than that, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed.
The imagery in this is sooo lovely. I could really get a sense of her fear, and the scenery. I definitely want to read more of this. No no, I NEED TO READ MORE. DONT LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT. I must must know the previous events to this scene! But also, you did so well with using unlikely words, try using "trembling" instead of shaking next time. It gives a bit more room to imagine someone freaking out completely, which I belieb is what you were going for.
Hi there! Comrie here to review:)
Starting off, I will say that this was somewhat of an easy read. I didn't have too much trouble reading through this. I did notice some errors in grammar/punctuation but I won't focus too much on them in this review since I think there are other things you can focus on. Just pop this under any spell/grammar checker and you're good to go!
I feel somewhat confused though by the story in general. As I was reading, I kept asking myself multiple questions: Why did Quinn kill her sister? Who is Blue? Was he her friend, her brother, the neighbor? Maybe Blue's sister's boyfriend who wanted her dead? There are no answers being answered, and that can confuse people. I think the problem is that this is too short. There's not enough about the characters or the plot or anything. It's just so short that I don't have enough to pull from to say, "Hey, this sucks for Quinn, aw man, Quinn, why her, she didn't mean to do it," and really feel for her.
I'm just like, "Okay, she killed her sister... I don't know why, but she did. And I feel... nothing." Do you know what I mean? I feel detached from her, like I don't know enough about her to sympathize with her (crazy, right? She killed her sister and I'm thinking about sympathizing with her, but hey it happens, that even when the main character does something bad, we want to try to understand and feel for them; people are crazy) or think, "Oh how could she? I knew she would from the start. She was just that evil." But since I know nothing except that she killed her sister, it's sort of like, "Well... it happened."
So basically, I think you should expand a bit more on her in general. I know this is a short story, and it can still be a short story even if you expand on it. You just have to give little details here and there. About the characters, the situation, all of it. Just bits. Something to help the readers along the way.
Okay. Now let's talk about Blue. There's not much else to say except, "Who is he?" I think that's maybe a personal problem; I personally like knowing everything about everyone in a story. But just think about your everyday reader. Your everyday reader would appreciate some information about the characters. Based on his last line, I'm assuming he's a devil of some sort. My other question is, "Why is Quinn running around him?" Did they meet somewhere before? Did he influence her plan to kill her sister? Just who is he and why is he the one that gets to tag-along?
Does that make sense? Just think, "Why?" and go from there:)
I will say the ending was completely unexpected. Like really unexpected. I didn't expect her to step off the bridge. Pretty sudden, but I guess not for someone who just killed someone and is feeling guilt from it. Especially her sister. But it can also be taken as an ending that's too unexpected, because, again, we still don't know why she killed her sis. Maybe I'm missing a point; I do miss points often. Let me know if I'm not reading this in the right lens!
Oh, wanted to say I really liked this:
*Shiver* Can't imagine feeling something like that especially after what's been done. I'm just imagining this in my head and -- wow. Just wow.
All in all, I did enjoy reading this. Your writing style is clean and simple - nice. You have the potential to make this a seriously creepy and awesome story. It's okay in its state right now, but tweaking it and expanding on it -- wow. Keep writing! I can't wait to see what else you got!
-comrie
MORE! MORE! I actually like how this story is going. You've started it off with a mystery, pulling the readers in. Quinn seems very uneasy yet her partner Blue seems like remorseful. You've done something every author wants to do and that is to pull readers in. They want to make them want more! I seen a couple grammar mistakes, and punctuation misses. But other than that I absolutely loved it!